


The Bonds We Share

by Jadders92



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Acceptance, F/M, Full Moon, Gen, Loneliness, Love, Past Abuse, Recreational Drug Use, Smoking, Teacher-Student Relationship, Underage Smoking, Werewolves, Wolfsbane
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:01:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 60,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28345077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadders92/pseuds/Jadders92
Summary: Remus Lupin has been appointed the new DADA Professor, but more than that, he has been asked to try to connect with Shaylin Clark, a young werewolf who has already discovered how cruel life can be and is in the process of a violent decline in quality of life.Remus needs her to understand that there is hope for life despite what she has been previously told. Love doesn't always end in heartbreak and it isn't always what she thinks it is.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Original Female Character(s), Remus Lupin/Reader
Comments: 88
Kudos: 106





	1. Introducing Mr Chocolate...

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my sidelined fic that is still being written, but it's nearly there. I hope you all enjoy and as usual you can catch me over on tumblr under Jadders92. Feel free to stop by and say hi!

The last year. The very last year of Hogwarts and it started the same way it always did. With a beautifully lit cigarette shared amongst friends, hiding behind a pillar so that the new parents couldn’t see what we were up to. This had to be better than the last few years. I was exhausted as per usual, but as was tradition, my hair was dyed a different colour, I went for a fiery red with gold streaks to start the year off. 

‘Gotta represent your house, right?’ I laughed, taking a long drag of the cigarette and passing it along. ‘I’m definitely going to try turquoise before Christmas though.’

The six of us all hopped onto the train, finding an empty carriage near the front as we usually did and soon we started trading summer stories. Mine were always kept fairly brief, I wasn’t about to overshare with anyone anytime soon, they just wouldn’t understand.

I was the first to feel the cold, it was icy and thick and sent trickles of cold sweat down my skin. I could see flashes of sharp teeth and claws and the tearing sensation rippling through my ribcage. 

I looked up to see my friends were feeling the effects of the cold as well and suddenly the train stopped. We were all reaching for our wands, but I was the first to stand up and open the carriage door. I could see Harry Potter in the compartment next to ours, he was trying to see down the train as well. I just shrugged at him from the hallway and felt the whole train shake, making me trip and fall onto the floor, luckily I just about managed to pick up my wand as complete darkness descended around me. I crawled back to where my friends were and caught a glimpse of what I thought was a dementor. There was no fucking way they let a dementor onto the train! Not with it full of kids!

‘Dementors.’ I panted to my friends who all had a similar reaction to mine. 

It was a while before the air finally cleared, a bright light had appeared outside and the dementors started to scatter. Only a patronus could make them do that. I took a deep breath and stepped back out into the hallway, there wasn’t a single student around, but I could smell chocolate and it was incredibly strong.

Harry’s compartment door opened and a young, shabby looking man emerged. It was an odd moment to recognise the same tiredness and the same cursed scars that I possessed. It was also the source of the chocolate I could smell. For just a second I panicked about what he might have been able to smell on me.

‘Well, you must be Mr Chocolate.’ I smiled, not really feeling like I was in the mood to play games. ‘Can I assume that wonderful bright light belonged to you?’

‘You can.’ The man smiled a kind smile, his blue eyes scanned me and it seemed he was reaching a similar conclusion to myself. ‘Can I also assume you are the source of the ginger I’ve been smelling for the last hour?’

‘Ginger? I always thought the wet dog smell was more overpowering than that.’ It was a quiet conversation, not a single other person was going to hear what we were saying, but we made the efforts not to acknowledge the exact truth of what we were so publicly.

‘Well, that is a smell one gets used to over time, so perhaps I’m not the best judge.’ 

I could help my snigger. ‘Fair enough. I assume you’re heading to see the driver.’

‘I am.’

‘Well, on you go Mr Chocolate, go and save the day, yet again.’

‘Don’t mind if I do, Miss Ginger.’ The man smiled and shuffled past me towards the driver’s door. What a strange individual.

I walked a little way down the carriages just to see if anyone was hurt before making my way back to my own carriage where my friends were still recovering from the cold. Mr Chocolate might’ve been of use here.

The feast was a welcome change, warm and bright and the smell of food being prepared in the kitchens below was blissfully overpowering. It was an odd feeling to sit at the very end of the Gryffindor table as the oldest students in the school, seemed like a lifetime ago we were sitting at the front. 

We watched the new first years entering the Great Hall for the first time and it was also the first time I was actually able to smell the nervousness on them. I needed to hold my breath for a moment or two as it dissipated and the Sorting Ceremony began. I didn’t pay much attention until Gryffindor was shouted a few times and then I took notice of the faces just to be polite.

I could not wait to get some food inside me, I’d barely been able to eat over the last week, surviving mostly on a packet of biscuits and cigarettes. I could afford to get one good meal from the Leaky Cauldron kitchens before I caught the train, but that was it. The only saving grace was that Dumbledore had sent over a batch of Wolfsbane, I’d never been able to try it before, but it seemed as good a time as any to see if it made any difference to the transformations. It was marginal at best.

I let my hand rest on the table and felt a small piece of parchment slide from beneath my plate, piled high with food, into the palm of my hand. I subtly turned it over, avoiding catching the attention of anyone around me and read it. Dumbledore wanted me in his office after the feast. Fuck.

My friends had no idea that I was werewolf, they had no clue why I was so grouchy and they had no idea why I got myself into so much trouble all the time. I’d pushed my luck far too many times and it was only because I got the top grades and took extra precautions as far as my condition was concerned, that Dumbledore actually kept me in school. I imagined I would have been expelled by now otherwise. But this year, I figured, there was no point in expelling me, I wouldn’t be around long enough for it to make a difference. 

Once the feast was over, I could see the shabby-looking man, known as Professor Lupin, talking to Professor Sprout, he seemed incredibly cheery and by simple association, I could once again smell chocolate. 

I made my way up to Dumbledore’s office without anyone noticing I’d slipped away and prepared myself for yet another uncomfortable conversation about the year ahead.


	2. ...To Miss Ginger

I could smell him a mile away! 

‘Mr Chocolate.’ I smiled, without having to turn around, feeling my eyes getting drowsier as the evening went on. 

‘Miss Ginger.’ I heard Lupin’s own smile starting to form and I already liked the attitude.

‘I see you’ve both met already.’ Dumbledore watched as Lupin took the seat next to me.

‘Briefly acquainted on the train, yes.’ Lupin confirmed, crossing his legs. 

‘Smelt him two carriages away.’ I mumbled.

‘Shay!’ McGonagall said in a shrill tone. 

‘What? It’s true,’ I shot back. ‘Honestly, how much chocolate do you eat? Fucking reeks! It’s like when you smell strong mints. Does stuff to your airways up here.’ I gestured to the top of my nose where the smell of sugar was stinging my nostrils. ‘Why can’t you have the decency to smell like something, I don’t know, dog-like?’

‘You mean like ginger?’ Lupin was just smiling, only really amused by the whole thing.

‘Hilarious. I mean like… I don’t know, wet dog?... damp dog?’ I’d never been challenged like this before and it was actually kind of exciting. ‘Meat.’

‘Meat?’

‘Yeah, meat! You do eat meat, don’t you? Don’t tell me you’re one of these vegetarian werewolves, honestly, those guys are fucking awful.’

‘Quite preachy, I find.’

‘I know right! All they ever say is “oh, we have to be better than people think we are, show them we’re capable of more than being monsters.” Like, fuck you, just eat the fucking bacon!’

‘As long as it’s not over done.’ Lupin still smiled.

‘Oh Merlin, it’s like eating burnt bird, you ever had burnt bird?’

‘Yes, it’s very crispy.’

‘I’d rather eat a raw cow.’

‘They aren’t much better, to be honest.’

‘Really?’ That caught my attention, finally a normal discussion I could have. ‘See, I always thought it’d be better than marginally cooked steak.’

‘No, unfortunately even when transformed its unimaginably chewy and very difficult to digest. Trust me, it’s not something you want to deal with the morning after.’

‘Well, fuck me, who would’ve thought.’ I slumped a little further down in my chair and thought about the information I had just been given. All this time, I though raw would taste better, but I never really got around to trying it.

‘Well, despite Miss Clark’s language and blatant disrespect for her new Dark Arts teacher,’ McGonagall gave me one of her stern looks, making me roll my eyes hard. ‘I expect her to do very well in your class Remus and not to have a repeat of last year.’

‘Last year?’ Lupin frowned and I felt myself grinning a little.

‘When she decided to publicly ridicule Lockhart in front of the whole school.’

‘Well, he was a hack.’ I reasoned, knowing that I was stepping over some boundaries. ‘Even you think so, so I don’t see why it was a big deal.’

Lupin definitely laughed, but he covered it well with a cough. If it wasn’t for my excellent hearing, I would have missed it same as the other two teachers. 

‘Regardless, there was absolutely no need for your comments, impressions or pranks on the man.’ McGonagall agreed he was a hack and it was good enough for me to shut up for a while, but I wasn’t getting rid of the grin any time soon.

‘This year will be different,’ Dumbledore interjected, he so rarely took his eye off me during these types of meetings and I was very used to that fact. ‘This year, Professor Lupin will be there to ensure your transformations will be much smoother than in years previous.’

I felt my eyes widen and yet another laugh form in my chest. ‘That’s funny.’ I said, looking at Dumbledore and Lupin. ‘That’s so funny… you’re not joking, are you?’

‘Shay, your erractic behaviour during the full moon needs to be monitored closely to avoid posing any danger to the rest of the students.’ Dumbledore tried to explain, but he wasn’t getting it.

‘My erratic behaviour!’ I exclaimed, I could feel the anger starting to bubble now. ‘Are you kidding-Are you fucking kidding me? How old are you?’

Lupin took an uncomfortable breath. ‘Thirty-three.’

‘Well that right there is it’s own set of problems, but moving swiftly on. How long have you been a werewolf?’

‘Almost thirty years.’ Lupin’s tone was quieter, it was so easy to tell that even he had doubts about the whole idea.

‘Almost thirty years,’ I laughed and turned my attention back to Dumbledore. ‘That’s perfect, that’s just fucking fantastic. Do you have any idea what will happen if you put a young, crazy hormonal, inexperienced female werewolf, with an older, more experienced, probably fucking dominant male werewolf? They bond, they become mates and that shit is not just reserved for the full moon, oh no, that shit happens in human form and I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m not having anyone’s litter. No fucking way! You know what, this exact thing happened to my pal Freddie up in Norway, his headmaster brought in another werewolf for him to learn from and you know what happened? They ended up bonding. Well fuck that,’ I stood up backing away towards the door to the headmaster’s office. ‘No fucking way am I bonding with anyone! I got a lone wolf thing going on here, ergo, uno… on my own.’ I knew I lost it a bit at the end, but my point was clear.

‘Do you know how rare it is for that to happen? It’s also not as simple as that.’ Lupin finally spoke up, but it was so the wrong thing to say.

‘Oh well done, now that you’ve said it’s rare, you’ve only gone and bloody jinxed it and now it’s going to happen!’ I could see Lupin looking slightly more amused. ‘Fuck it, I’m not transforming with you!’ I turned and headed straight for the door, mumbling to myself on the way out. ‘Fucking try to whore me out…’

Lupin found the whole thing very funny indeed, not that the other two teachers shared in his amusement. He’d been told about Shaylin Clark before he arrived and about her fiery personality so when he met her for the first time on the train, he realised that no one else would smell like a strange combination of Ginger and wet fur. It had been coming off of her bright red and gold hair from where she’d been sweating slightly, no one else would have noticed it, except him. 

She recognised him for what he was immediately and for just a second it caught him off guard, but he suddenly saw the same tiredness and aging features that had plagued him during his seventh year in school. Despite being seventeen, with bright green eyes and soft, smooth features, Shay looked at least twenty-three.

‘We can only apologise Remus,’ McGonagall sighed, taking the seat that Shay emptied. ‘I’m afraid Miss Clark’s attitude is something that we have not been able to control ever since she started here.’

‘I’m not really surprised.’ Lupin was still smiling. ‘You find it a lot in young werewolves, ones who are unable to face the reality of what they are… we all struggle in different ways, but to keep it as bottled as she clearly is, can’t be good for her health.’

‘Bottled up? If that’s your attempt at a joke, Remus, I really don’t think it’s-‘

‘I’m not joking.’ Lupin cut in. ‘Not in the slightest. Miss Clark is very much struggling and considering this is her last year of school, I can only imagine she will start panicking slightly more.’ McGonagall just frowned at him. ‘Werewolves are not generally accepted members of society, is she popular?’

‘Very.’ Dumbledore said, quietly. 

‘Though she is known for starting physical fights with other students, something the rest of the school finds amusement in.’

‘Let me guess, she gets into fights once a month?’ Lupin didn’t need them to answer, their expressions said it all. ‘It’s a common cover up for werewolves who have become integrated and secure in their positions. In order to cover over the fatigue felt once a month by something people can’t see, some will create regular scenarios for people to make their own conclusions from.’ 

‘We had our suspicions about that early on.’ McGonagall nodded. 

‘I’m afraid this year may be worse if she doesn’t find somewhere to put that frustration.’ Lupin thought for a moment. ‘Though she does appear to have a good understanding of werewolf behaviours. How does she know about bonding?’

‘We presumed she found out from one of her contacts.’ McGonagall and Dumbledore seemed to know very little about it. ‘What exactly is it Remus?’

‘It’s an incredibly rare occurrence and very unlikely to happen in this case,’ Lupin made sure they knew that simple fact before explaining anything. ‘But it is extreme by nature. It’s where two fully transformed werewolves form a lifelong connection that cannot be broken by anything magical, muggle, emotional, spiritual or physical, it is a deeply unifying experience and lasts for the rest of their lives. It’s also not necessarily as scary as she seems to believe it is, it’s what gives some werewolves purpose and focus, everything is shared, but in rare cases a physical need can develop between them… I have never known it to happen and certainly not to anyone I have known. I hate to say that she is overreacting, but it is just that.’

McGonagall seemed to be settled by the statement, but Dumbledore remained as stoic as ever. 

‘I would like you to get to know her, Remus.’ He said. ‘I realise given her bold personality that it may be difficult at first, but I believe you are the guide she has needed these last few years.’

‘I don’t know how much guidance I will be for her, but I will do my best.’ Lupin nodded. ‘May I ask about her home life?’

‘Non-existent.’ Dumbledore responded before McGonagall could speak. ‘Her parents decided they could not have a werewolf for a daughter and two summers ago, she was thrown out of her home.’ McGonagall was shocked by the new information that had been kept from her, but Lupin didn’t seem so surprised. ‘I believe she spent some time with her friends over the last summer, moving from house to house, but over the last few weeks I fear something much worse became her fate… she went abroad, going to eastern Europe, she came into a substantial amount of money, but I have no idea how she came by it.’

Lupin shifted uncomfortably, there were very few reasons why a werewolf would go east for any length of time. 

‘Once she returned to England, I lost sight of her on and off, she was integrating with muggles and made regular visits to Gringotts.’ Dumbledore was slowly confirming something that Lupin was beginning to fear. It may also have explained the first thing he smelt on her in the train carriage. 

‘Did you see anyone she was with?’ He asked, not exactly wanting the answer.

‘No, never.’ Dumbledore shook his head. ‘I just hope that while she is here, you can help her feel safer when she finally leaves us.’

Lupin didn’t really want to ask anything else, he knew what he needed to do, this young woman needed help and he was possibly one of the only people in the world who might have been able to provide her with it.


	3. Impressions

I’d gotten over the previous night relatively easily, it was just one more year to get through and it would all be a distant memory. Dark Arts was the last subject I had that day and in fact I’d forgotten the smell of chocolate entirely before entering the classroom where it was especially strong. 

Everyone was egging me on to get up and do a brief impression of the new Professor before he arrived for the lesson and I had no reason to deny them such a performance.

I hopped up and sat behind the desk, throwing my feet up on top of it and began.

‘Well, good afternoon everyone,’ I spoke in an outlandishly posh accent. ‘Allow me to introduce myself,’ I slowly let my feet down and got ready to jump up onto the desk. ‘I am your new professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Lupin.’ I hopped up onto the table. ‘Who’s ready to face some scary monsters?’ I roared and yelled like the buffoon they knew me to be and got a round of applause and laughter for being an idiot. I carried on, pretending to teach and generally arsing around when suddenly they stopped laughing, it could only mean one thing. ‘He’s standing behind me, isn’t he?’ I was still smiling, knowing exactly what was coming next. A few people nodded and I admitted defeat. ‘Well, fuck.’ I said to myself and took my seat.

There was an air of amusement to Lupin’s face as he began descending the stairs leading to his office. 

‘I have to say, when I heard about Miss Clark’s famous impression of your previous professor,’ Lupin was definitely amused more than angry. ‘I had expected to be represented more accurately. I must say, I am disappointed.’

‘Don’t worry, we’ve got the whole year together,’ I winked. ‘The accuracy will improve and I’ll have the whole class saying “fucking hell, there’s two of them!”’ There was a rumble of laughter that went around the classroom.

‘I look forward to it, Miss Clark.’ Lupin chuckled, much to everyone’s surprise. ‘I’m sure you’ll have ample time to collect any research you might need in detention tonight.’

‘Wait, what?’ Maybe he wasn’t so amused. ‘It wasn’t even a good impression! It was total shit!’

‘Oh, the detention isn’t for the so-called impression, it’s for the swearing, which has just earned you another night this week.’

I thought for a moment before calming all the way down. ‘Fair enough, he’s right. Fair enough.’ I held my hands up and admitted defeat, the rest of the class were still giggling at least, but I knew when to give in.

Lupin began the lesson and it was mostly going over what we hadn’t learned in the previous year with Lockhart at the helm. I was tempted to whip out my old impression of the man, but I wasn’t sure how far I could push Lupin’s patience just yet.

Finally, the class was dismissed and I remained in my seat, earning slightly amused and sympathetic looks from my friends. The room emptied and I sat back and sighed.

‘So, this is my first time taking detention,’ Lupin rounded his desk and leaned back against it, suddenly that chocolatey smell was more invasive than ever. ‘What do your teachers normally make you do?’

I figured there was no point in lying, it would only be worse and possibly more boring if I did. ‘Lines, mostly, sometimes cleaning out cupboards, running odd jobs, the usual.’ I shrugged, watching him think hard on which he was going to make me do.

‘I see.’ His blue eyes narrowed for a moment. ‘No change from when I was here, then.’

‘And how often were you in detention, Mr Chocolate?’

Lupin laughed and turned to look out of the window. ‘If I told you that, you’d call me a hypocrite and I’d like to wait at least a term before anyone reaches that conclusion… especially you.’

I frowned, not quite liking the end of the sentence given the previous night.

‘So, tell me about yourself.’ Lupin looked back at me and folded his arms, waiting.

‘What?’

‘Tell me about yourself.’

This must have been some kind of joke. ‘Okay,’ I played along for a while. ‘I’m seventeen, eighteen in a week’s time, Gryffindor, werewolf as you can probably smell-‘

‘Tell me things I don’t know,’ Lupin interrupted. ‘I don’t want to hear things that I could guess, that I know or that you’ve made up, if you lie, you get another detention.’

I could only frown, unable to figure out quite what to make of the man in front of me. 

‘I thought I was being punished.’

‘You find this comfortable, do you?’ Ah, now I understood, it was another challenge, one I wasn’t going to rise up to quite so easily. ‘Tell me about your parents.’ And it seemed he knew exactly which buttons to push.

‘My dad works for the ministry, my mum stays home.’ Maybe if I kept it vague enough, he would be settled.

‘What department does your father work for?’ Maybe not.

‘Department of International Magical Cooperation.’

‘What exactly does he do there?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Another detention.’

I sighed, he was good, he was fucking good. I took a breath and answered while I tried to figure out how to get out of this game. ‘He works for Barty Crouch, helps to make deals with other countries, he travels a lot.’

‘I see… and when is the last time you spoke to him?’

I went to answer, but I honestly was more distracted by the very fact that he asked the question. He couldn’t have known that I hadn’t seen my parents for over two years, he couldn’t have known that at all, no one knew.

I remained silent and it seemed to stop the questioning for the moment.

‘What about your mother?’

‘I told you, she stays at home.’

‘What does she do at home?’

‘I don’t-‘ I stopped before I said anything else, he knew I’d be lying and I wasn’t about to lose this game. ‘Why are you asking me about my parents?’

‘Because, I want to know you better so that I may understand why you are in the position you are in.’

‘And what position is that?’

Lupin stood up and I suddenly felt a much more serious tone, though he didn’t seem angry, just concerned. 

‘The same position I found myself in when I was seventeen,’ he confessed, there was no way that could be true, he didn’t know me. ‘I don’t want to see you make the same mistakes I did, it only ever led to disappointment and dissatisfaction.’

I just looked at him, feeling the familiar anger surge whenever anyone tried to get too close. ‘You don’t know me.’

‘No, I don’t.’ Lupin titled his head and assessed me once again. ‘But as much as you believe that to be a sturdy defence and something that forces people to turn away from the truth, it also opens up the possibility for the wrong conclusion to be reached and more damage to be done.’ I didn’t care, nothing was worse than what I was, that was a fact. ‘Why did you go to Eastern Europe this summer?’

I felt my blood run cold and I knew he could see it, he could probably smell the sweat forming on my forehead. How could he possibly know that I went east?

Lupin sighed and sat down at the desk next to mine across the aisleway. He observed me for a moment. ‘There are very few reasons why a werewolf would go east, fewer still why others would feel the need. What were you doing there?’

I swallowed thickly and felt familiar bruises beginning to flare up in places I’d rather not think about. 

‘You made a lot of money while you were out there,’ I felt my head snap around to face him, a deep set frown on my face that I couldn’t get rid of. ‘But there are only two high paying industries. Sex and drugs. So which was it?’

I stood up, again Lupin didn’t seemed fazed and it only annoyed me more. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down, he didn’t know anything, he couldn’t have known a single thing. 

‘I went to visit family,’ I said, he knew I was lying, but didn’t bother giving me another detention for some reason. ‘Funeral. It was a big inheritance.’

Lupin leaned on his hand and watched me, I was daring him to give me another detention, daring him to say something else that would push me a little further. 

‘Fine.’ He said, quietly. ‘You’re seventeen years of age, rightly pointing out that you turn eighteen in a week’s time, no one here can force to make choices,’ Lupin stood up and I hadn’t realised just how towering the man could be. ‘But can you at least try to understand that I know how this feels-‘

‘No you don’t.’ It was quieter than I had intended, but I could feel tears building in the corner of my eyes, this was not how this was supposed to go.

‘Shay, if you need help, I am here.’ He looked at me as if he could see straight through me and I was not ready for that at all. Lupin nodded his head towards the door, indicating I could leave and I was out of there faster than anyone could say “quidditch”.


	4. After Care?

Lupin watched her leave his classroom and decided that his intention to confront her head on was a good one, she was shaken, rattled by his questioning and it meant that she may well have opened up to him later down the line.

Lupin knew exactly what she was going through and he knew exactly what she was about to go through. 

At that age he rejected his own body, claimed no ownership over it, dismissed it as anything that needed to be taken care of and soon separated his mind from his physical being so that he could survive. For him, it was bad, his disconnect from his body made him a good soldier for the war, but it made him an incredibly lonely and pained human being. At the time, he didn’t care, that came much later, but it was difficult and the worst part of it was that he was alone.

Shay was already in a process of descent and without talking to her a little more, Lupin couldn’t be sure of how far gone she really was. He observed her over the course of the next few weeks with her friends, she was extremely popular and very easily convinced to do things that were in every sense daring. She had no regard for her personal safety, her health or even the emotional effect any of her pranks were having on herself. 

The detentions were more informative than she would have wanted them to be, she gave him the silent treatment in the second, staying silent for three hours while he asked her questions and assessed her reaction. She had not yet learned to maintain control over her facial expressions, possibly because she hadn’t ever needed to, talking seemed to get her out of most sticky situations. The third detention was much harder than the first two, Shay was tired, she’d been in a fight that morning and was struggling with bruised ribs and a black eye. Lupin took pity on her and allowed her to leave after half an hour of silence.

The full moon would be up in three days time and Lupin knew that it was far too soon to bring up the topic of transforming together, so simply told Shay that he would be around if she needed any help. She rejected him outright, once again calling him Mr Chocolate and limping away towards the Whomping Willow. 

‘Has she taken her Wolfsbane?’ Lupin asked Poppy, resting on a nearby rock as his own body began to fail him. 

‘She has some with her and she knows when to take it.’ Poppy nodded, brushing the dirt off of her pinafore and helping Lupin to his feet. It was early in the morning, no students were around and so Lupin didn’t feel so bad about allowing the matron to help him.

‘How does she normally react the morning after?’ He asked, curiously.

‘Much the same way you did, exhaustion for a few days, mood swings and sometimes a horrific temper.’ Poppy shook her head, he suddenly felt incredibly bad that the matron had to go through this not just once with him, but now twice and he never really thanked her for it. ‘You don’t need to, Remus. It was my job to ensure your health was maintained and to ensure the secret was kept.’ It sounded mechanical, but Lupin said nothing.

‘She’ll be feeling it for a few more days with the injuries she’s carrying.’ Lupin leaned against the wall next to his classroom. ‘Will you keep her in the wing?’

‘Until she’s well enough to leave, yes.’

‘I’ll be sure to visit when I can.’ Lupin nodded, his knees were shaking with how exhausted he was. 

‘I’m sure she won’t appreciate it.’ Poppy raised her eyebrow and Lupin would have laughed if he could have done. ‘Get some rest Remus. I’ll come and see you in the morning… and don’t exert yourself if you don’t have to, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.’ 

Lupin looked up at the healer and gave a familiar smile, the memory of feeling embarrassed about his body as a teenager was something that no longer plagued him the way it used to. Lupin nodded and made his way to bed where he could curl up and finally get some rest.

It was an easier transformation for Lupin, the wolfsbane was enough to keep him lucid enough to curl up in bed and go to sleep, there was still some pain and a lot of discomfort, but at least he was in control. 

He thought a lot on Shay and what she was doing to herself, he also thought about what he could really do for her. She had an advanced knowledge of werewolves, as evident by her panic over bonding, she knew what was in the east and got out of it with a large amount of money, meaning she knew how to survive out there.

There was, however, one question she never answered when he asked. How had she really made so much money? Lupin knew there was a lot of wealth in the drugs trade and in sex clubs, but the thought that she would have become a part of either was a hard one. He’d asked McGonagall what subjects she excelled in and it appeared to be Herbology, Potions and Dark Arts, doing well in Transfiguration and Charms, but not to quite the same extent. It was entirely possible that given her intelligence and stunning features, that she may well have had a hand in both trades.

Lupin couldn’t bear the thought that she was allowing her body to be used in such a way, but he also couldn’t stand the thought that her mind was being abused for profit either. 

He went down to the kitchens the following evening, finally feeling well enough to wander around after Poppy had seen him and the smell of ginger and copper greeted him as he leaned against the doorframe, more for support than he wanted to admit to.

Shay was staring at a pot of yoghurt and a banana, her whole body was slouched and hunched over, one arm leaning on the table and just about keeping her upright. Lupin watched her for a moment, he could see the edges of some scratch marks on her back, just about visible beneath her light, white shirt which was far too big to be worn at any other time of the month he assumed.

He watched as she finally found the motivation to try to open the yoghurt, a few of the house elves giving her strange sideways glances. Shay’s hands trembled and he watched her nostrils flare momentarily, she stilled for a fraction of a second before setting the yoghurt back down and giving up all together. She knew he was there.

Lupin didn’t bother saying anything witty, he just wandered in and sat down at the table closer to the wall and leaned back to observe her. 

‘So,’ his voice cracked. ‘How did it go?’

Shay frowned the hint of amusement made her mouth twitch slightly. ‘You ask that like I went on a date or something.’

Lupin was clearly feeling himself more than she was and chuckled at her comment. ‘Well, some cultists think werewolves are people who are simply in love with the moon.’

‘Are you?’

Lupin tilted his head and watched her bloodshot, green eyes try to focus on him. ‘No.’ He said, calmly. ‘I think you and I both know the reality of that question.’ It seemed that she had very little energy to spend mocking his answer, or even acknowledging anything about what he said. ‘Do you want some help with that?’ Lupin gestured to the yoghurt pot she clearly wanted to devour.

‘No.’ It was definitely a “yes”.

‘Okay, I’ll rephrase, do you need some help with that?’

Shay’s body was about to collapse in on itself if she didn’t get some food into her system quickly, but still she shook her head and Lupin wasn’t about to let her starve herself out of spite. He slowly picked himself up and moved closer to the table she was at, she didn’t move, in fact she suddenly stayed very still. Lupin took the lid of the pot off and placed the spoon next to it. The smell of strawberries was unbearable to him at that moment, he needed something much meatier to get him through the evening. 

Lupin sat back down and watched as Shay dipped her finger into the creamy liquid, she licked it off and there was a very minor lift in her shoulders. Lupin wasn’t stupid, he could tell she wasn’t trying to do it in a seductive or inappropriate way, but more likely she simply couldn’t handle the extra weight of the spoon. 

He could see that she was regaining something of her strength with every mouthful, but everything was still a struggle. 

‘You didn’t answer my question.’ Lupin said, just as Pinky the house elf put down a plate of meat in front of him, it was piled high with sausages, bacon, steak, chops, chicken and ribs, exactly what he needed. ‘How did it go? Did the Wolfsbane help?’

Shay sighed and he could tell the smell of meat was causing her some discomfort. ‘Everything was clearer.’ She said. ‘What about you?’

Lupin shrugged, nonchalantly. ‘I was much more lucid and maintained control over my behaviour.’ He said, taking a bite out of one of the juicy sausages in front of him. ‘I was able to get some sleep… I take it you didn’t?’

‘Well, I wasn’t staying in a five star hotel, was I?’ 

Lupin remembered the mood swings very well indeed and he could see the instant annoyance in her eyes, she probably wanted him to think that she was fine, she probably convinced herself that she may well have been, but Lupin needed her to accept that she wasn’t.

‘Did it help with the pain?’ Lupin asked, finishing off another sausage while Shay struggled with the banana.

She suddenly dropped it and held her head in her hands. ‘You know the answer to that question, so why are you asking it?’

‘Because every experience is different and I would like to learn more about your relationship with your body.’ Lupin knew that there was an instant understanding on her part. He just wanted to know how connected she really felt to it. 

‘I don’t have a relationship with my body,’ Shay was angry and her lack of food was a contributing factor, the only saving grace was that she was far too weak to simply leave. ‘It’s a thing I walk around in, it gets me from A to B, but let me make myself clear… I have no desires to get along with it. I know what you’re trying to do, I know you’re trying to make me see that I should respect myself and take care of my body, but fuck that. Why should I care about something that doesn’t matter to me?’

‘Because that thing you walk around in is not just a vessel,’ Lupin could feel her pain and hurt over what happened to her, he could feel the residual pain he felt at reaching a similar conclusion when he was seventeen. ‘It is a part of who you are, it has needs and desires and fears and it’s own way of working. Being what you are is something it experiences, your body fears the change as well and you don’t need to be ashamed of it, especially not in front of someone like me.’

Shay didn’t say anything, she didn’t believe him, but she was far too tired to argue. 

‘Tell me about your friend, Freddie,’ Lupin changed the subject, still shovelling as much meat as he could into his mouth. ‘The one in Norway.’

‘Not much to tell,’ Shay sighed. ‘He wasn’t really a friend anyway, just someone I knew.’ She took a moment, finally able to peel the banana, which again offended Lupin’s senses; fruit was never the thing he needed after a full moon. She frowned at it, like she was unsure of if she could stomach anything at that moment.

‘You said he bonded with another werewolf?’ Lupin pushed for a little more.

‘Yeah two years ago,’ she sighed, it was clearly a pressure point for her. ‘He goes to Durmstrang, she went to the school as a teacher, his behaviour was getting out of hand and they thought he could do with a little guidance. The result was not what they expected.’

‘Did you ever speak with him about the bond he shares?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘None of my business.’ 

Lupin swallowed his mouthful, feeling better already for giving his body what it was craving. 

‘You were never curious?’ He said, standing up to make some tea. Shay folded her arms on top of the table, leaned her forehead against them and let her eyes grow tired. ‘Shay?’ 

‘What?’

‘Were you ever curious?’

‘No.’

‘So, you were curious.’ Lupin nodded and slid a teacup in front of her, he could see the smell of tea was one she got on better with. ‘If it’s a subject you’d like to know more on, you know that I would be more than happy to help.’

‘Why? So we can bond and I can be trapped on this Earth forever?’ It seemed she knew more than she was letting on.

‘So that you may be better educated on the subject.’ Lupin poured the water. ‘I assume you don’t take sugar?’ She rolled her slightly less bloodshot green eyes and Lupin chuckled, before setting the milk next to her cup and returning to his food. He gave her a moment to frown at the tea, unsure of whether to drink it or not. ‘You know that bonding is more than a physical connection, don’t you? That sometimes, more often than not, the physical never even comes into it.’ He could see the flicker of her eyes turning her attention towards him. ‘The bond is unifying in more significant ways, it is a process of sharing yourself with someone else entirely, but contrary to what most people think, it is not the werewolf version of love, it runs much deeper than that. It creates not just a need or a want, but a necessity for the two to co-exist, when one dies, the other cannot hope to survive, but the main drive of a werewolf is to continue it’s existence and to bring others into the fold, a drive the wolfsbane prevents.’

‘So the wolfsbane might prevent the bond?’

‘It’s not quite what I’m saying, but it is possible.’ Lupin bobbed his head from side to side, feeling himself almost completely revitalised. ‘You also need to consider how unlikely it is that you and I will share anything at all.’

‘Why? You bonded already?’ It was clear the tea was helping her regain more of her strength.

‘No.’ Lupin chuckled. ‘No, but that wouldn’t matter, you can bond with more than one person, how do you think packs are created? They become reliant on each other and over time bonds are created. It is unlikely that you and I would bond because you are so resistant. We would need to be the exact right match for one another, one dominant and one submissive, one in need, one able to provide, one experienced, one not so and both of us would have to want it in some way. Even if we met all the criteria, bonding is a serious commitment of mind, body and soul.’

Lupin watched her think for a moment or two, one of the house-elves put down a plate of cut up apple, again it was an unwelcome invasion of his senses, but at least they were calming down somewhat. 

Shay chewed on the apple and said nothing while Lupin finished the rest of his plate.

‘Why did you tell me that?’ She asked, frowning at him.

‘Because, it seemed like something you might have been interested in and it’s something I wish someone had been able to tell me when I was curious.’

‘I’m not curious about it.’ Shay was getting through the apple relatively quickly and Lupin knew he was running out of time to talk with her.

‘Okay, what are you curious about?’ He countered.

‘How did you end up like this?’ She was trying to find his pressure point, but that simply wasn’t it.

‘Greyback, when I was four years old.’ He said simply, watching her slight shock at the fact he answered. ‘My father had an altercation with him and so Greyback’s revenge was to sneak into my room when I was a child and turn me into the monster my father thought he was.’ Shay just watched him for a moment. ‘What about you?’

She didn’t speak for a moment, not wanting to give anything away.

‘I was honest and upfront with you, the least you could do is afford me the same thing.’ Lupin used a slightly sterner tone, something she seemed to respond to.

‘I don’t know who it was,’ she swallowed. ‘My parents were fighting about something, I ran out into the forest… they didn’t even realise I was gone. I was six.’

‘Shay, I’m so sor-‘

‘It doesn’t matter.’ She snapped. ‘I don’t matter, not really. They got what they wanted, a life without me and we’re all much happier for it.’

Shay slowly got to her feet, but Lupin could see she wasn’t quite able to storm out at the rate she wanted to. She was holding onto her ribcage, like something was broken or bruised. 

‘Shay.’ Lupin said and darted over to help her stand properly, she was a little resistant and he lightened his touch, just enough to subtly guide her and no more. He could feel how thin she really was, how frail her body had become, but her skin was incredibly soft, he suspected her fur was still thick and her transformed body was as horrifying as his own. ‘It’s alright, just sit down, just rest for a moment.’

It seemed she had no choice and slumped back down. 

‘You need something more substantial in your stomach.’ Lupin searched around the kitchens for something that might help.

‘I don’t want anything meaty.’ She suddenly said. It made Lupin’s head whip around to see her still holding her ribs.

‘You’re craving it, aren’t you?’ Lupin suddenly understood what she was doing. ‘Shay, you cannot hope to recover if you do not listen to what your body needs from you.’ He told her firmly. ‘Now, I am not an idiot, what you ate was as repulsive to you as it was for me and with your ribs in the condition they are, it will only get worse before it gets better.’ 

Lupin watched her pant until he decided it for her. He grabbed some bacon and sausages, briefly throwing them in the pan before sliding a plate towards her with another cup of tea. He sat closer to her, making sure she didn’t fall off her seat, placing his hand lightly on her shoulder; her eyes were closed, but the smell of the meat was what had her opening her eyes. Though it seemed as revitalised as she had felt for all too brief a moment from the fruit, it was a temporary solution, probably one designed to cause her body more pain than was necessary. 

‘Shay, eat, you’ll feel better for it.’ Lupin said, gently. She looked up at him and for a moment he was caught off guard, was this what he looked like when he was seventeen? Was he so helpless and fatigued and desperate? ‘Do you need me to help you?’

Shay said nothing and tried to lift herself enough to eat. Tears had begun streaming down her face, but she couldn’t cry properly. 

‘You still smell like chocolate.’ She mumbled, making him chuckle.

‘Would you like me to go back to where I was sitting?’

‘I don’t care.’ 

‘I’ll stay here for now then.’ He could feel her leaning more into his hand than before, needing his support to stay upright. Shay began to eat and she was clearly feeling much better for it. ‘Starving yourself is not the best way to avoid detection.’ Lupin caught her interest. ‘To appear like everyone else is the goal, isn’t it? If you give your body what it needs as soon as you’ve transformed back, you will recover quicker and spend less time worrying people. The more people worry, the more questions they will ask and the more difficult it becomes to keep the secret.’

Shay frowned at him. ‘Why are you telling me that?’

‘Because, you are no longer alone here,’ Lupin was a little more serious now. ‘It’s not just your secret that is being protected, but mine as well and the more discreet we can both be for each other, the less chance anyone will find out what we are… do your friends know?’

Shay scoffed and shoved another slice of bacon in her mouth.

‘I see.’ Lupin nodded. He decided not to say anything else that evening and escorted Shay back to the hospital wing to get some sleep, something that he needed more of as well.


	5. Miss Ginger's Five Galleon Remedy

I wandered around for the next couple of weeks, generally avoiding Lupin at all costs and keeping my head down. My friends were rightly suspicious but when I told them I was just taking in the last of castle, they became much more settled and we all began taking in our surroundings much more clearly.

I often went up to the astronomy tower in the evenings and wondered about what they would all be doing in the years to come. 

One afternoon at the end of October, I found myself laughing with Oliver Wood about one thing or another, spotting Lupin wandering about the corridors, talking to various students. I had no desires to go anywhere near him and luckily for me, Oliver spotted a group of Slytherins surrounding something and laughing and pointing. I frowned for a moment, before I saw the robes of a Ravenclaw student in the middle of everything.

I was the first to race over, seeing the familiar face of Marcus Flint, who as I heard was yet again repeating his seventh year of school. I launched myself at him, taking him and the other students by surprise, but it was enough to get them to disperse and move away from the younger student. 

Flint managed to get up and kicked me hard in the ribs, forcing me to hold them tight as the pain began to spread throughout my body. Flint drove his foot down repeatedly until a voice shouted from where Oliver and I had been talking. 

‘Flint!’ Mr Chocolate, I could just about smell the sweet scent through the coppery blood that was flooding my throat and nose. I rolled onto my side and struggled to get back onto my feet. The Ravenclaw student was one I recognised, Lovegood I think her name was. 

I heard the clicking of McGonagall and the heavy thudding of Snape following close behind, I was well accustomed to the sound of every teacher’s footsteps by now. 

‘I’ll deal with him.’ Snape hissed.

‘Are you alright, Miss Lovegood?’ McGonagall was a sickeningly caring woman really.

‘Shay?’ Lupin slid his hand over my shoulder to see if I was okay. I was still on my hands and knees trying to breathe slowly and steadily, but even I wasn’t ready for my reaction. I jumped up and away from Lupin who was just as surprised as everyone else. ‘Shay, are you alright?’ His hands were up, clearly a gesture to keep me calm, but I honestly didn’t care.

‘Fuck you, Flint!’ I yelled. Flint struggled against Snape’s grip as he lunged for me again. 

‘Come on then!’ He shouted back.

‘Next time, you’d better hit harder.’ I mocked and stepped forward quickly, taunting him before half laughing and walking in the other direction.

‘Thank you!’ The Lovegood girl called after me.

‘Anytime.’ I raised my hand, waving back. I felt like shit though. Oliver just watched me holding my waist as I wandered back towards.

‘I’ll take care of it.’ I heard Mr Chocolate say to the other two teachers presumably. 

I made sure I walked straight into a group of students and suddenly the sweet smell of chocolate was gone as I slipped away from Lupin’s sight and headed up to the Astronomy Tower to calm down.

I sat with my legs dangling over the edge and took a moment to assess the damage the idiot Flint had done and it seemed fairly extensive. I breathed for a moment and tried to figure out what to patch up first, there was no way I was going to the hospital wing. I used my wand to get rid of any blood on my face from where I’d coughed it up a few times, I probably had some internal bleeding, but it didn’t really matter. 

I brought out my tin of cigarettes and pulled back the hidden compartment where I kept something stronger. I lay back against the wooden floor of the tower and pulled my jumper up, there was some serious bruising forming. I placed my hand over it for a moment, feeling the soft and tender flesh, pain radiating throughout my upper body the more time I spent prodding it.

I inhaled the spicy flavour of the cigarette and closed my eyes for a moment. I lay for as long as I could before I started to feel sick, sitting up to hang over the edge of the metal bar that ran around the tower.

‘Thought I could smell ginger.’ Lupin.

‘Well, well, Mr Chocolate, you found my hiding place.’ I said, smiling up at him. Lupin sat down beside me and chuckled.

‘Is that a joint?’

‘This?’ I gestured to the toxic tube in my hand. ‘This is a concoction of my own, designed to numb emotion and block out all outside distractions.’ I inhaled deeply once again, feeling the effects fog my mind and much to my own surprise and almost shock, Lupin gently took the joint from between my fingers and inhaled as deeply as he could.

I watched him go through the process and figured he either used to be or still was a regular smoker of such luxuries. He breathed out the smoke and nodded.

‘That’s not bad.’ He said and handed it back to me.

‘You can finish it.’ I shook my head, taking out my tin and lighting up another one. ‘You know, I normally charge five galleons for one of these, but I’m willing to let you sample my wears.’

‘Five galleons, you say?’ Lupin considered it for a moment, taking another drag while I lit up my own joint, knowing I would be high for hours if I continued at this rate. ‘Seems a fair price. What’s in it? Nothing toxic I’m assuming?’

I scoffed. ‘Nah, just all the good stuff, bit of Billywig sting which won’t kick in for a little while, bit of Castor Oil to relax you, some powdered Horseradish and a few different types of mushroom, among other things.’

‘How long do the effects last?’

‘For us? Few hours. For those with less animalistic tendencies? A day or two.’ I shrugged, making Lupin laugh a little at the terminology.

‘I think you might be selling yourself very short indeed.’ Lupin noted, taking another deep drag and looking out at the darkening sky. ‘I used to pay five galleons for three and they only ever lasted an hour max.’

I looked over at Lupin who seemed to be more concerned with his joint than with me for the moment. Previously, I couldn’t imagine him smoking anything at all, let alone a joint and here he was complimenting me on my own version, not just that, but outright telling me that I was charging too little. 

‘So, do you want to talk about it?’ He finally got to the point and I had no intention of talking about Flint, I took a long drag and looked out at the darkness for a while. ‘Okay, we don’t have to. You want me to check for any serious damage?’

‘Would you like me to take my shirt off, Mr Chocolate?’ I feigned seduction, making Lupin let out a bark-like laugh.

‘Only if it’s necessary, Miss Ginger.’ He responded and finished the rest of his joint. I wasn’t expecting that response.

‘It’s fine, just some bruising,’ I smiled. ‘Maybe some internal bleeding, nothing I haven’t dealt with before.’

‘Internal bleeding can be serious.’ He insisted, gently.

‘Can be.’ I agreed, but made no move.

We stayed sitting in silence for a while, letting the cool breeze circle us and listening to the sound of the trees blowing in the wind. 

‘Well, I have to say, you have quite the talent for mixing herbs.’ Lupin suddenly laughed, the Billywig sting must have just begun to kick in.

‘Your thoughts starting to run away with you?’ I chuckled.

‘Yes, indeed.’ Lupin’s cheeks flushed pink.

‘And where exactly are they taking you, Professor Lupin?’ I teased, finishing my own joint and disposing of the rest. 

Lupin turned to face me and smiled. ‘To places I’ve not been in a very long time.’ He said, cryptically. ‘Why the Astronomy Tower?’ He asked it like a man who already knew the answer and I found myself being surprisingly honest.

‘I keep thinking I’ll throw myself off one day,’ I shifted, making sure my ribs were supported properly. ‘Just end everything, not bother with tomorrow because today has been shit.’

‘It’s not tall enough.’ Lupin shook his head. ‘The Owlery would be better, not quite as clean, but it would do the job.’ 

‘The Owlery?’ It wasn’t really something I’d considered before.

‘The drop on the east side goes directly into the valley,’ Lupin explained. ‘It’s rocky and you’d have to get a good lift off, but it’d better than breaking every bone in your body and spending months in the hospital wing.’

‘Are you speaking from experience?’

Lupin had a gentle look in his eye. Why was this man so full of recognisable features? ‘I’ve certainly spent the time thinking about it.’ He confirmed, looking down at his swinging legs. ‘Why do you want to end your life?’

‘Why ask questions when you already know the answer?’ I countered.

‘I know why I wanted to, but I don’t quite know the reasoning behind your choice.’

I sighed and sat up a little straighter. ‘Because this is shit, life beyond Hogwarts is shit, I don’t have a family to go back home to, I don’t really have any friends, none that understand me anyway and I don’t want to feel like this anymore.’ I wasn’t sure why I chose to let all the information go, but something in Lupin brought it out of me. ‘There’s no cure for being a werewolf, nothing to truly stop the pain, wolfsbane only makes you more aware of what you are and I can’t find a single example of someone like me having a better life than what I have right now… so there really is nothing better for me out there.’

Lupin thought for the longest time before speaking, I almost thought he wouldn’t speak at all.

‘I’m going to ask you a question, I would like an honest answer, but if you can’t give me that then I ask you not to answer at all.’ Lupin turned back to me and I watched his eyes show that seriousness he had on occasion. ‘Were you selling drugs when you went east?’

I felt the effects of the joint suddenly flood out of me.

‘I only ask because the packs out there would place a high value on your product and the thought of you selling drugs, for me, is easier to deal with than the alternative. There are only two high paying industries in the east.’ Lupin was being strangely honest and I wasn’t sure how comfortable I was with his ability to see through me.

‘Why would you care either way?’

Lupin’s face dropped, his eyes scanned my face and he was asking a silent question. I looked back out and away from him.

‘I told you,’ I said, quietly, feeling the lump in my throat form. ‘I claim no ownership over my body, but there are people who would pay for that exact thing… I won’t get a normal job like everyone else, but if I’m going to survive like everyone is so intent on me doing, then this is it. This is the only way I can.’

Lupin was silent and I hated it.

The night came in and I felt an increase in my discomfort, Lupin noticed but continued to remain silent.

‘How much?’ I almost jumped at his question, forgetting the sound of his voice.

‘For what?’ My voice cracked as the pain in my ribs began to flood to my chest and throat.

‘For you.’ Lupin didn’t even look at me. Was he really asking what I thought he was asking?

‘Three hundred Galleons, upfront rate.’ I couldn’t quite believe I was having this conversation with my bloody Dark Arts professor, but it was easy money, so why not? ‘But it depends on what you’re looking for.’ I shrugged.

‘What won’t you do? What are your limits?’

I turned to Lupin and thought about the summer I’d had working in the east. ‘Everything has a price tag.’ 

‘I see.’ Lupin nodded and took a deep breath. I braced myself to enter into a negotiation with Lupin, I had seen a lot of men like him, quiet, peaceful and shy, but they were the ones who needed some coaxing. ‘What’s your price to keep someone company for a night?’

‘What kind of company would I be keeping, Mr Chocolate?’ I inhaled, feeling a wave of pain wash over my entire being, my head growing a little fuzzy.

Lupin smiled, it seemed somehow gentler. ‘What do most men want from you?’

I half laughed and looked out at the black sky. 

‘They ask you to care for their needs.’ Lupin continued.

‘Yeah.’ I breathed, suddenly feeling like I didn’t really want to spend the night taking care of Lupin.

‘How much to care for your needs?’ He asked. I frowned and looked at his intense gaze. ‘Say I were to ask you for one night to care for your needs instead of mine, what would your price on that be?’

I scoffed and felt the fresh blood pooling in my mouth. ‘Can I assume we’re not in fact talking about sex?’

‘No,’ Lupin laughed. ‘No, that would be far too inappropriate and not at all constructive in my intentions, Miss Ginger.’ I moved my arms slightly and realised that I was putting a lot more of my weight on top of the metal bar than I had intended. ‘Shay, you’re bleeding and one of us needs to care about that.’

‘Why?’ I felt the tears beginning to fall, why did I have to cry? ‘Why do you fucking care so much?’

Lupin moved closer in case I needed him to help in anyway. ‘Because, when I went through this, I wished there had been someone to care for me, I wished there was someone to get me through the hard nights, I wished I had someone to tell me that my life, no matter what I did to it, mattered. Entirely and completely.’

I took another breath and sat up straighter than before, I almost went blind with the pain and Lupin definitely noticed, he went to touch me, but for whatever reason, I jerked away. I knew I was being an arsehole, I could have just let myself fall off the Astronomy Tower, there was every possibility that Lupin was lying about the height and just didn’t want me to do it in front of him. I could understand that.

‘How about I give you a freebie, Mr Chocolate?’ I panted, knowing full well I was going to lose consciousness if I was made to stand too soon. ‘First night on the house, but the rest won’t come cheap.’

‘Sounds like a deal to me.’ Lupin nodded. ‘I’m going to take you to the hospital wing, you’re going to get those ribs repaired and I would like to have an honest conversation. Can you agree to those terms?’

‘Sure, whatever the man wants.’


	6. The Freebie

Lupin watched as she had begun sweating heavily, blood had started to come up and made her lips turn the same shade of red that her hair still was. As soon as she tried to stand, Shay collapsed, finally losing consciousness. Lupin would have passed out long before she did, but it was both heart breaking and admirable to see that potentially broken ribs and internal bleeding wouldn’t keep her down for long. 

He lifted her light and frail body into his arms and carried her down to the hospital wing. The second Poppy was able to tend to her, the ribs were no longer broken, the blood was gone, the fever had disappeared and there was no more internal bleeding for anyone to be worried about. 

Lupin watched as Shay slept while Poppy continued to work to repair her injuries, he thought on the conversation they’d had at the top of tower. Admittedly, his mind had been slightly clouded from the spicy joint she’d let him finish, it made his mind blurred and his ability to see what was appropriate conversation and what wasn’t, had all but disappeared entirely. 

‘She’ll wake in a few minutes.’ Poppy finally said and left Lupin alone behind the curtain. He inhaled deeply and sat up, taking a cool sip of water from the glass next to her bed. He ran his hand over his face, trying to shake off the effects he was still feeling and simply waited for Shay to open her eyes.

He felt a deep-set embarrassment that he had asked how much it would be to spend a night with her. It came from a place of concern, simply wanting to know how much value she placed on her body for men to do with as they pleased. Lupin wasn’t stupid, if he had been a different man, he would’ve paid whatever the price to have her settle his needs, but he had a duty of care, not just as her teacher, but as an experienced werewolf brought in to help her through this difficult time.

Lupin couldn’t deny she was very beautiful and found his mind drifting to what she might have looked like when servicing others. He knew it was just the joint and he didn’t really want to think about those things, but it did mean that his questions were phrased in a rather forward way. 

Finally, her eyes began to open, the green gems shone out at him, they were laced with salt water that she tried to hold back. She watched him for a moment or two and Lupin found himself wondering what she was thinking about and what she really thought of him.

‘Feeling better?’ He asked, quietly. She didn’t answer, instead she turned to look up at the ceiling. ‘Madame Pomfrey has repaired your ribcage and there is no more internal bleeding, so you’ll be fine in a few hours.’

Shay licked her lips, something that Lupin narrowed in on for some reason. 

‘Is there anything you’d like to ask? Anything you want to say?’

‘No.’ She croaked and again Lupin found himself sipping the water and inhaling deeply. ‘You should drink some salt water though, take the edge off.’

‘Salt water?’ Lupin frowned.

‘You’re on a come down, you’ll start craving it again soon.’ She explained and adjusted herself to sit up against the pillows. Lupin helped her as much as she would allow, moving the pillow for her and sat back in his chair. 

‘I’ll be sure to drink some soon.’ Lupin nodded and observed her curiously. ‘I should apologise for the way I was speaking earlier, it wasn’t appropriate and I didn’t exactly mean the questions the way I asked them.’

Shay scoffed and rolled her eyes. ‘You know I also use some ingredients that are used for Veritaserum, it helps loosen client’s tongues when they need it and keeps them coming back for more.’

‘I see.’ Lupin nodded. ‘So everything we said was the complete truth?’

‘Almost.’ Shay grimaced. ‘It just makes you more inclined to tell the truth, its nowhere near as strong as the real thing, but it does make you want to be open and honest.’

Lupin nodded and couldn’t help his smile. ‘Well, I am glad I was able to resist enough to keep some things from you.’

‘Oh yeah?’ Shay turned to half smile at him as well. ‘Like what?’

‘That would be telling.’ Lupin winked and felt himself slip back into their normal routine. ‘What I would like to know is if our deal is still active?’

‘What? A freebie?’ Shay chuckled. ‘Sure, why not? I already know what you don’t want to do, and you never know, it might be a worthy investment for me.’

‘Possibly.’ Lupin shrugged, knowing full well that this was a one off occurrence. He quickly checked to see that Poppy was back in her office, but kept his voice lowered anyway. ‘Though considering the subject matter, I would feel more comfortable if we were to take this conversation to my office.’

Shay frowned slightly, but nodded anyway. He noticed that she kept pressing on the spot where Flint had driven his foot down onto her several times, it was as if she was trying to feel the pain that was no longer there. 

She was eventually discharged and Lupin walked beside her towards his office. It was well passed curfew, but neither of them cared that much, he would just make some excuse about a detention if anyone saw them. He led her back to his office and flicked his wand towards the fire, letting it ignite.

‘Why don’t you take a seat? I’ll put the kettle on.’ Lupin said and watched as she did exactly as he asked, he wondered if this was what she did for all of her clients. ‘How does it work?’ He asked, maybe if he could understand the process better, he could understand how to help her.

‘What?’

‘When the clients come to you, what’s the process?’

Shay sighed and watched him move about making them both tea. ‘Usually, I start by asking what it is they’re looking for, they tell me, well, they try to tell me anyway and then, once we’ve agreed terms, we start talking about price.’

‘What do you mean they try to tell you?’ Lupin frowned, handing her a cup of tea without sugar and finally sitting opposite her in his usual armchair, the faint smell of ginger was beginning to come back to him.

Shay’s green eyes flickered to his for just a moment. ‘I usually only attract a certain type of client.’ She swallowed.

‘Tell me.’ Lupin pushed her gently.

‘The ones who are afraid to ask for what they really want,’ Lupin could see the shame in her eyes, he wondered why she was being so compliant with him. ‘Shy and quiet guys like me better because I’m nice to them, they find it easier to talk to me than the other women, I’m not as pushy.’ Lupin felt his entire being still for just a moment. ‘Yeah,’ she half laughed. ‘You’re really not that different, don’t think I haven’t noticed.’

‘I’m not like those other men, Shay-’

‘You think you’re not like them.’ She quickly countered.

‘I’m not trying to take advantage of you-‘

‘No, but if I offered, I bet my life it would be a different story.’

‘That’s a serious accusation to make-‘

‘I’m not accusing you of anything… I’m giving you what you asked for, just like I do for them.’ That made Lupin stop in his tracks, he suddenly realised what was happening. ‘You asked me for an honest conversation, so that’s what I’m giving you, you asked me to go to the hospital wing and I did. If we hadn’t agreed terms, I wouldn’t be doing any of that.’

‘Shay, I’m not forcing you to stay here, if you want to leave, you can.’ Lupin took a much more serious tone, but suddenly he felt himself craving one of her cigarettes again, this was so unlike him. He got up to pour himself some water and quickly rummaged around to find some salt.

‘You know they don’t all want sex.’ She said, quietly. ‘Some of them just want someone to talk to, someone to tell them the world isn’t that bad… one of my clients just wants someone to play chess and have a laugh with. But they’re all the same in the end, they all want something from me, to use me in whatever way they choose.’

Lupin downed the salt water, grimacing at the taste and suddenly his whole being felt lighter and he was able to focus a little better on the present.

‘But the ones who don’t,’ he found himself able to calm down and have a conversation. ‘The ones who want to… to sleep with you,’ he wasn’t sure why he couldn’t use the more literal terminology. ‘Do you even know what it is they’re really asking you for?’ Shay just frowned at him. ‘These men are asking you for an experience that they can’t find on their own, some of them are asking you for something that they are afraid to be rejected over because it is so far away from reality.’

‘So?’

‘So, I don’t want to see you get hurt,’ Lupin implored. ‘You are incredibly intelligent, but intelligence will only get you so far without real life experience. That’s what these men are looking for and they will only find a temporary fix with you… what do you think is going to happen when one of these men is dissatisfied with what you provide?’

Shay just watched him for a moment. Lupin took a deep breath and let his eyes drift over her for a moment. 

‘Shay, please think about the path you are on, it’s all I’m asking.’ Lupin sat back and took a sip of tea, watching her observe him suspiciously. 

‘Is that it?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, you asked to spend time with a whore and all you want to do is tell me to think?’

‘You’re not a whore Shay.’

‘What am I then?’

Lupin sighed. ‘You’re lost, that’s all.’

Shay scoffed and shook her head. ‘Ask me for something else.’

‘Okay,’ Lupin nodded, putting his teacup down next to him. ‘Would you consider allowing me to transform with you this month?’

‘No.’ An immediate response.

‘Why not?’

‘You know why.’ 

‘And you know how unlikely that is to happen.’ Lupin knew that this conversation was going nowhere. ‘You may find some solace in having someone there to go through it with you. Packs survive longer than those of us who live alone because they have each other. Now, I am not suggesting this be a regular occurrence, but perhaps just once or twice will be enough to give you some perspective.’

Shay sighed and ran her scarred hand through her flaming red and gold hair, her face suddenly looked ancient before it settled back to the womanly features she had. ‘I just can’t risk it.’

Lupin sighed. ‘Fine, at least I can say I tried.’ He gave her a tight smile. ‘Now, would you like to get some rest, or is there anything else you would like to talk about?’

Shay’s defences suddenly shot back up. ‘Hey, this is your freebie, you’re in charge.’ 

Lupin sat a little further forward. ‘In that case, I would like you to go to bed, sleep and if you can’t sleep, then please try to spend one night not thinking so little of yourself.’

‘Is that really what you want?’

‘Yes… more than anything.’ Lupin tried some honesty to end the conversation and watched her suss him out for a moment. Shay nodded and stood up, he followed her movements all the way to his office door.

‘Can I just say one thing?’

‘I encourage it.’ Lupin smiled.

‘I’m glad…’ Suddenly her courage was faltering, it was a new much more fearful and vulnerable side that Lupin hadn’t seen before. ‘It’s not just because you smoked with me, but I do believe you when you say you want me to change… I just don’t think it’s really worth it.’

Lupin considered her for a moment. ‘Then it seems we will both have a very long year ahead of us.’ At least that made her half laugh. ‘Shay, please take care of yourself tonight, for me, because I ask it of you.’

She nodded and took a moment before she left. Perhaps some progress had been made.


	7. Lonely and Lost

Lupin had eventually caught up to me, just as I got half way up the stairs to the Fat Lady, I could see that something was wrong with the painting, but before I could get a proper look he shouted for me to come back down. 

‘Shay, we need to get you to the Great Hall.’ He said, I looked back up at the painting, trying to see what had happened. ‘Shay, please, we need to go.’ Lupin’s wand was out and he was panicking. ‘Please, please just come with me.’ I slowly went back down the stairs, towards Lupin who had his hand out to guide me back through the corridors.

‘What’s going on?’ I asked, Lupin was definitely worried about something and it was starting to scare me. ‘Lupin, talk to me, why are we going to the Great Hall?’

Lupin suddenly stopped, I looked at him, pleading him to tell me what was going on. ‘Sirius Black has entered the castle and attacked the Fat Lady.’ He said quietly. My entire body flooded cold, I’d heard the stories, I’d heard what had happened to the Potters, same as everyone else and it terrified me just like it was terrifying Lupin.

‘He’s still here, isn’t he?’ I whispered. We stopped at a corridor that was in almost complete darkness, the only light came from the end of Lupin’s wand.

‘We don’t know, but I need to go with the rest of the teachers and search the grounds just in case.’ Lupin panted. 

‘Shit.’ I breathed, knowing that I could have wandered through any corridor and come up against Black only to be killed by him. Part of me hoped I would. 

‘We need to keep moving, Black won’t stay in one place for too long.’ Lupin looked around us, as if checking that Black wasn’t lurking in a corner somewhere. ‘Everyone is safely in the Great Hall, you’ll all be sleeping there tonight.’

‘You can’t seriously expect me to be able to sleep, can you?’

Lupin sighed and guided me towards the end of the corridor. ‘I need you to at least try, our deal still stands and this is what I want.’

I rolled my eyes, he must have known he was taking advantage of our deal, maybe not in the way he thought, but he was still using me in a sense. Lupin guided me back to the Great Hall and I received a look of disappointment from McGonagall which I shrugged off immediately and found my friends, who were still very much awake, curled up in soft looking sleeping bags. They all sniggered as I playfully flopped down and winked at them. I thought I heard the tail end of a conversation between McGonagall and Lupin where she asked about my welfare and he replied that I was fine. I felt so far away from fine that it was laughable.

They never found Black, if he was still on Hogwarts grounds, he was damn good at hiding, because there was absolutely no trace of him anywhere. Lupin was on edge, it was easy for him to hide the days leading up to the transformation by claiming he was worried that Black was still on the grounds, everyone believed him, fuck, people even felt sorry for him. Snape was covering his lessons and apparently told the class that Lupin was running himself ragged with nightly patrols and finally the exhaustion had caught up with him.

The transformation had been pretty terrible, but I didn’t dare venture out of the Shack, I didn’t think Black would want to come up against a fully grown werewolf, but then again, he had been the only person to ever escape Azkaban, so there was no telling what he would or wouldn’t do. 

I did everything I could to avoid Lupin, starving myself intentionally so that I wouldn’t see him in the kitchens. I went down a lot later and shovelled as much meat as I could into my body just so that I could appear normal to my friends.

The only thing that really annoyed me was how much grief everyone was giving Harry and his friends. I did my bit and kept telling him that none of it was his fault, I didn’t think he believed me for a second, but he did well to hide it and he did well to move past his nagging doubts for a while.

He was beginning to get annoyed with the amount of people following him around, guarding him in a way, I found it to be a welcome distraction to tell my friends about it and talked them into following up their concerns about Harry. His annoyance for a few weeks would be nothing compared to mine and Lupin’s secret coming out. 

For a while it worked and I was able to focus on the Christmas holidays. The full moon would occur the first day of the holiday and I had two weeks to earn a little side money. There were plenty of bookings to take in Romania and Lithuania, I could make time for both. 

I mostly passed off my large stack of post as various job applications for the Romanian herbology labs, I was good in Potions and Herbology and so it was an easy sell. The one person I knew wasn’t as easily convinced was Lupin. I did everything I could to avoid him, but it only took a mistimed trip to the Owlery to run into him again.

‘Turquoise.’ He said, indicating my hair and gave me a gentle smile.

‘Oh yeah,’ I felt the panic rising. ‘I promised I’d dye it again before Christmas so, may as well go out with a bang.’

We were silent for a moment, the awkwardness settling in.

‘Well, I’ll see you next year, Mr Chocolate.’ I nodded and quickly focussed on finishing tying my letters to the large white owl I used for longer trips abroad.

‘That’s a lot of post.’ Lupin took a step towards me and suddenly my fingers found it difficult to work. I didn’t answer, I just focussed on the last knot in the string. ‘Shay? Who are you writing to?’

I cleared my throat and calmly finished tying, allowing the owl to take flight. I turned to see Lupin with a deep set frown. I went to walk past him, but he didn’t move and I needed to squeeze past him. 

‘How many did you send?’ His voice was quiet, but loud enough to stop me in my tracks at the doorway to the Owlery. 

I sighed and leaned against the stone wall. ‘Twelve.’ I said, looking out at the snow starting to fall. Lupin didn’t say anything and I was about to walk away again.

‘Shay.’ His voice was hoarse. ‘Please don’t do this.’

I felt the anger bubbling beneath the surface once again. ‘What choice do I have?’

He didn’t answer and this time, I didn’t hesitate. I left. 

Lupin was furious, he could barely contain his anger as he sent a Christmas card to his father. He hated that he couldn’t help Shay more, he wanted to do more and help her feel better about herself, but the time of the month and mind set she was sinking deeper into, was preventing any logic or reason getting through to her. 

He sent his letter and contemplated going to the Gryffindor common room to talk some sense into her, but that felt extreme by nature and so he returned to his office and tried with everything he had not to think about what those men might do to her. 

‘Remus?’ Dumbledore.

‘Albus, I was just winding down for the evening.’ Lupin tried to sound cheery, but honestly what was the point? He leaned on his desk in his office and gestured for the Headmaster to take the seat opposite him. ‘Something the matter?’

‘Shay is going east again,’ he said simply. ‘Do you have any idea why that might be?’

Lupin watched the headmaster for a moment. It sounded very much like a leading question, one Lupin wasn’t keen on answering, he didn’t want Shay to get into trouble, but he also didn’t want to compromise his place at the school, or feel like he was betraying Dumbledore again. 

‘I can’t be sure of what exactly it is she is doing there,’ it wasn’t technically a lie. ‘But there are only two things she could do that would earn her the kind of money she has been depositing into Gringotts.’

‘And they are?’ Dumbledore pressed. Lupin swallowed nervously.

‘Sex clubs and the drug trade.’ He said, frowning and not quite looking at Dumbledore. The thought that she was on her way to either of those places was a maddening one. 

‘She has a hand in both, I presume?’ 

‘That is the theory I’m working with, yes.’ Lupin said, rather diplomatically.

‘I see.’

Lupin’s eyes snapped up to the headmaster. Was he seriously not reacting to this? Was he honestly not concerned with the safety of one of his students? One of his more mentally unstable students at that.

‘You think there is more we can do, beyond what we are currently doing?’

‘Yes! Yes, of course I do!’

‘Such as?’ Dumbledore asked as casually as Lupin had ever heard him speak, as though he were offering a cup of tea. Lupin was at a loss. ‘Remus, she is of age, when she is not here, she is not under my protection and her choices are her own. I cannot take away her privileges to Hogsmeade unless she is in immediate danger and I cannot keep her here against her will. She must choose to stay of her own accord and I must say, I had hoped you would be more successful in guiding her towards that conclusion.’

‘So, you think this is my fault?’

‘Not at all.’ Dumbledore stood up and went to leave Lupin’s office. ‘Though, when she returns to the castle, I would ask you to speak with her again about her choices. Good evening.’ The headmaster left and Lupin’s rage returned tenfold.

How could he be so okay with what Shay was doing whilst away from the castle? How could he not care enough to do anything? She was in real danger, these men were capable of horrors and she was putting herself at risk by going there. 

Lupin decided he needed to speak with her before she left in the morning. He checked the hospital wing and the Astronomy Tower as well as the kitchens, she was nowhere to be found. The sun was already set, but it was still early enough that she may have been lingering with her friends somewhere. She wouldn’t be back in the common room at that time, but when Lupin saw her friends sitting in the Great Hall laughing away, he feared that that was exactly where she was, the one place he couldn’t just go strolling into.

Lupin had just about given up, feeling the effects of the moon starting to overcome him, when he heard a distinct sound coming from the greenhouses. It was Shay, carrying a small case that she was shrinking down and about to conceal in her black hoodie pocket.

She stopped upon seeing Lupin and he could see her heart dropping. 

‘Professor Sprout won’t be happy to find someone’s been stealing her wares.’ He found himself unusually calmer when Shay looked at him like that. She was vulnerable and exposed and Lupin found himself wanting to take care of her. 

‘I wasn’t stealing her wares.’ She rolled her bold, green eyes. 

‘What were you doing then?’ Lupin leaned against the archway and watched her suspiciously. 

‘Who wants to know?’ Shay gave a half smile and wandered past him. Lupin wasn’t about to give up just yet.

‘What’s in the case?’ He asked.

‘What case?’

‘The one you shrank down and placed in your pocket.’

Shay just looked at him and shook her head, half laughing. ‘Are you going to give me detention if I lie again?’

‘I might.’

‘Fine, then I won’t answer.’ She shot back and Lupin felt a small smile form on his face as they walked out of the castle and towards the Forbidden Forest. 

‘Where are we going?’

‘I don’t know where you’re going, but I’m heading into the Forest.’ 

‘I’m not leaving you.’

Shay suddenly stopped in her tracks and allowed Lupin to turn and face her. ‘Why are you still doing this?’ 

Lupin debated with himself for a moment. There was really only one other thing he felt he could do to get her to stay at the castle over Christmas and it was a big risk if it didn’t work. 

‘Honestly?’ He stepped towards her. ‘Because I care about your well-being.’

‘My well-being?’

‘About you.’ Lupin corrected himself and felt the nervousness come back. It was her move and for the longest time she said nothing.

‘You don’t know me well enough to care.’ 

Lupin heard the cracking of her voice as she strode past him. Again, he waited a moment, before striding after her and quickly catching up.

‘I’d like to.’ He said, quickly. ‘I’d like to know you well enough to care. You just need to let me.’

‘I don’t need to let you do anything.’ 

Lupin walked with her for a while, deeper into the forest, he had no idea of where they were going, but he followed her all the same, feeling her irritation, but the smell of ginger and wet fur driving him forward. 

‘My mother was a muggle.’ He suddenly said. ‘Her name was Hope and she met my father, Lyall, when she was out walking one day. She ran into a boggart and my father saved her, fell in love and eventually revealed his true nature to her. My mother was an extraordinary woman, she didn’t think any of the magical world was odd or, for the most part, particularly scary; she thought it was fantastic.’ Lupin could feel her slowing slightly, she was at least listening to him, even if she wasn’t saying anything. ‘She died just before the first war, my father worried for my health and all I could do was separate myself from him even more. I caused him an immense amount of pain by leaving and then once the war did start, all he could do was worry about the news arriving that I had been killed. I deeply regret some of the choices I made.’

Shay was quiet for a moment. ‘Are you trying to make me see that I’ll regret my choices later on down the line?’

‘Not necessarily, but I do think you need to consider the choices you are currently making.’

‘I have considered them.’ Shay stopped just as they got to the edge of the centaurs territory. ‘Stop caring about me, Lupin. You’ll only get hurt in the long run.’ Her eyes were piercing his, she was serious, this was the life she was choosing for herself. ‘Wait here.’

Lupin frowned for a moment, but didn’t follow her, instead he sat on a fallen tree trunk and thought about how he could talk to her about her choices, how else could he convince her to do something different.

He waited for a full twenty minutes before she returned looking much the same as she did when she left. 

‘Where did you go?’

Shay just looked at him a rolled her eyes. ‘I have another stop to make, can I assume the smell of chocolate will be following me there as well?’

‘It’s not safe to be wandering around on your own.’ Lupin reasoned, but again, she just sighed and shook her head before wandering off towards the lake. 

They walked at some pace and Shay would on occasion look at something to the left hand side, deeper into the forest. It made her pick up the pace before feeling her legs grow tired and slow a little.

‘What’s out there?’ Lupin finally asked, almost startling her. He realised that she had a tight grip of her wand.

‘All sorts.’ She tried to shrug casually, but he could see the concern in her eyes.

‘Shay.’ He warned. ‘If there is something dangerous that you’re worried about then we should go back to the castle, immediately.’

‘Just relax,’ she insisted. ‘You need to learn to get a bit of excitement into your life.’ 

Lupin just exhaled deeply before staying silent all the way to the edge of the lake. Shay seemed a little less keen on the area she picked and made him stop.

‘Can you smell that?’ She said. Lupin sniffed the air and something similar to burning wood. 

‘Burning?’ Lupin confirmed.

‘Burning bone.’ Shay corrected him. ‘Unicorn bone, there must be a dead one nearby.’

Lupin was incredibly impressed with her sense of smell, it was so specific, he would never have been able to tell that it was a dead unicorn, but on the other hand, why was there a dead unicorn nearby?

‘Shay, we should leave.’ Lupin stepped a little closer to her, but she didn’t move. ‘Shay.’ He said much more firmly.

‘Shhh.’

Shay crouched down and kept her eyes focussed on a spot a little further down the lake side, she slowly pulled out her wand and levitated a rock around thirty metres away, throwing it hard into the forest. Whatever was following them chased it, all Lupin could see was the bushes moving quickly away from them. 

When he looked back, Shay was already at the lakeside, her sleeve rolled up as she thrust her arm into the cold water and pulled out a net full of all kinds of small creatures and various plants. She pulled out a small handkerchief and picked out what looked to be hundred or so snails and put them into the handkerchief, carefully folding it and submerging the net again. She looked up to the spot the creature had been and then to Lupin himself.

‘You’d better come this way a bit.’ Shay said and Lupin immediately did as she asked while she finished her work.

‘What was it?’ He asked, still a little frightened of the silent creature.

‘No idea.’ She shrugged and genuinely seemed not to know. ‘But if he’s killed a unicorn, he’s probably pissed off, or hungry. We’re right on the edge of his territory, he’s probably waiting for us to step towards him.’ Shay stood up and rolled her sleeve down, Lupin noticed the scars, not that she seemed to care. ‘Lucky for us, the quickest way to the castle is this way.’

She guided Lupin in the opposite direction and just as they had begun walking, a loud groan could be heard. Shay turned back, but didn’t stop walking.

‘Poor guy is probably hungry.’ She said, quietly. 

‘And you have no idea what it actually is?’ Lupin questioned.

‘No, I’ve never actually seen him, but he’s big, I know that much.’ Shay explained, he preferred this side of her, nothing mouthy or in pain, just simple and honest. 

‘Any reason why your net is right on the edge of his territory?’ Lupin raised his eyebrow, making her half laugh.

‘I saw your face,’ she said, still smiling. ‘You were shit scared and had no intentions of getting any closer to him, no one comes round here, seems like the perfect place to plant my net to make sure it goes undisturbed. Even the Merpeople avoid this part of the lake.’

‘Doesn’t that tell you that this is probably not a safe place to be?’

‘It does.’ Shay nodded. She knew what he was getting at, but didn’t rise to his questioning.

‘Shay, you know what I’m trying to say here.’ Lupin said much more seriously.

‘You’re trying to tell me you care about me, which is very sweet, but incredibly misguided of you.’ She was suddenly back to being guarded. ‘I’d suggest focusing your energy on other things, such as the hunt for Sirius Black. I heard you never found him on castle grounds.’ 

Lupin suddenly felt a little uncomfortable. ‘No, we didn’t.’ He sighed. ‘But he’s not stupid, he won’t attack again until we let our guards drop. We all need to stay on high alert, including you.’

‘He won’t attack me.’ She half laughed.

‘No? And why do you think that?’ 

‘Because there would be no point, he wouldn’t gain anything by it, I don’t have anything to do with Harry, I barely ever remember the bloody password for the tower and if he threatens me with death, then we all know perfectly well what I’ll be choosing.’

Lupin remained silent. He hated how willing she was to throw her life away, hated that she would forever feel like her worth was less than anyone else’s.

‘I don’t want you to go east.’ He said, but was unable to find the will to look at her. ‘I don’t want other men to treat you like something they can discard once they’re finished with you.’

There was a beat before she answered. ‘Sounds to me like you want me all to yourself, Mr Chocolate. Well, let me tell you, you couldn’t afford it.’

‘Shay.’ He sighed in a much more irritated tone than he intended. He stopped just at the edge of the forest, he was already too tired to have walked with her, but this was pushing his breaking point. ‘Can you please give me the decency of being honest with me?’

‘I am being honest.’ She shot back. 

‘You’re being defensive.’

‘So?’

‘So, can’t you see that the one thing you have been searching for all your life is right here?’ Lupin knew he was losing control of himself, but he couldn’t allow her to go on like this. ‘I am giving you a chance to be accepted for who you are, who you really are… I accept you.’

‘You don’t know me.’ He could see her emerald eyes brimming with water. ‘You don’t know a single thing about me.’

‘I know that you are lonely,’ Lupin started, watching her shake her head and turn away. ‘Shay, look at me.’ He said firmly, enough to get her to do as he asked. ‘You are lonely, but you’re looking for someone to give you the answers, you’re looking for someone to understand you and not pass judgement. People like us always do terrible things in the end, for the most part, we don’t mean to, you and I would never dream of hurting an innocent, but sometimes we can’t help it, we’re not in control… I just want you to see that there is a better life for you than this, that you can have the things you truly want. You deserve good things, but you have to fight for them and you have to be willing to allow people to get close to you.’

Shay didn’t take her eyes away from him while he spoke, she sniffed and took a deep breath. ‘There’s nothing good about me.’ She said, sure of herself, but it only broke Lupin all the more. ‘But I can at least see that you are a good man, I trust you to be that, but I’m sorry, I just don’t think getting to know who I am is worth it for you.’

She went to walk away. 

‘Please don’t go.’ Lupin almost found himself begging. ‘Please don’t go east tomorrow. Stay here instead, stay at the castle over Christmas and let me find out for myself if getting to know you is worth it, because I really think it will be.’

She gave a small smile and suddenly everything clicked into place. Shay had done this before, she’d had someone beg to know her and she had gotten hurt in a big way.

‘I won’t do what the others did,’ he said, one last shot at getting her to stay. ‘I won’t hurt you like they did. It doesn’t matter what you tell me, or what you’ve done, or what you think of yourself. I won’t judge you for it… I won’t hurt you because of it.’ 

Shay gave a slightly wider smile and looked up at the almost full moon, fear lacing her expression, the same way it did him. ‘I believe that you think that.’ She said and turned to walk back to the castle. 

Lupin was at a loss. He’d done everything he could and it still wasn’t enough. Maybe his tactics were wrong, maybe he needed to approach this differently, maybe he needed to play her game for a while, get her to trust him a little more. Either way, he knew there was a way in, now that he understood why she was so guarded, he understood what he needed to do to get her to open up to him.


	8. Christmas Wishes

I was fucking exhausted, the mornings always sucked, they always presented a new opportunity for my body to reject all that was energising by nature. I grabbed the wolfsbane that had appeared next to my bed and downed it before any of my classmates woke up. I showered, I got dressed and I looked down at what I had been doing the night before.

I had been running low on my stock of luxury cigarettes and needed to make more before I left the castle. I had around twenty in all, but an extra ten would have been useful. The Leaky Cauldron wasn’t exactly keen on drug making in their rooms, but I had a place I could go to both transform and make more product.

It was a small cottage in the middle of nowhere, a bit broken down and rusty, but it was all I could afford with the money I’d made over the summer and the previous term. Sixty thousand galleons upfront and one hundred and twenty thousand left to pay. Fuck, it was expensive, but the work I had over the Christmas period, with any luck, would have gotten me around ten thousand to put into working on the cottage. I did the math, I was good with numbers, I just needed each client to pay one thousand galleons each and I would be able to fix the roof of the cottage and the back wall which was crumbling. 

I thought about the conversation I’d had with Lupin, I couldn’t let him in, as much as I believed he was someone I could trust, there was always an outside chance that I couldn’t and it was too much to risk again. Freddie had already betrayed me thanks to his bloody bond with that woman, I wasn’t about to risk it all over again.

I made my way up to the bedroom, got a small fire going, took my wolfsbane again and went to sleep. I was absolutely exhausted. 

The transformation was about as painful as it usually was, only this time, I felt like something was keeping me up, I couldn’t get my mind to relax enough to actually sleep and there didn’t seem to be any concrete reason for it. I relaxed as the moon descended in the sky and the morning breeze circled through the cracks in the cottage. 

I ran down a list of things I still needed to do before catching the portkey to Romania, I needed to finish making my cigarettes, get my clothes ready and grab some more from Diagon Alley. 

I had twelve clients and possibly more to make if I was in the right place with the right equipment. Muggles were always easiest, they were quick and easy and with a few well timed spells, I barely had to do anything other than offer them a cigarette, a drink and let them fall into themselves. Wizards on the other hand were much more difficult, they paid more which meant I had to physically get involved, it wasn’t ideal, but hey, that was my life.

Lupin hated himself over the Christmas period, he spent some time with Harry and tried his best to cheer him up, but he found his mind drifting towards the night of the transformation, he was restless. He knew full well it was his concern for Shay that had him pacing all night. While she was transformed, she was safe from the men she serviced, but the second the sun came up, he worried immensely, was she taking care of her body? Giving it what it needed? Or disregarding it like her clients inevitably would?

He found it difficult to relax on Christmas day, he wanted to join the rest of them in the Great Hall, but his worries and thought process simply wouldn’t let him. 

He had begun to think on his patronus lessons with Harry and what he would do to Black should he ever see him again, anything that kept his mind occupied and his body relaxed enough to function properly. 

Each day that passed, he couldn’t help but wonder if Shay was alright, if she was staying safe. Lupin even went as far as to create a fantasy in his head that she was at home enjoying Christmas dinner with her loving parents, that she wrote him letters saying how much she was enjoying her family time and hoped he was doing the same. He recited the mantra in his head every moment he found his focus failing him. “She’s okay, she’s fine, she’s happy, she’s healthy. She is fine.” He said it to himself, over and over again until he could almost believe it.


	9. Honesty Breeds Empathy

The new year brought in new worries for Lupin, Shay had returned to the castle and he’d seen her sneaking around near Snape’s potions cupboard. He followed her for a few minutes, watching her ascend the Astronomy Tower stairs. No one would dare go up there during the winter months and so she surely thought she wouldn’t be disturbed, but Lupin noticed she walked with a limp and he needed to know why.

He could hear the sound of her crying, she was clearly in pain, clearly in need and Lupin was the only one around to help her. He climbed the steps of the tower, feeling the chill in the air, how could she bear it?

‘Shay?’ He called out gently, but she didn’t stop crying, she obviously knew he was there, he’d had some chocolate to see him through the day that morning, the smell was probably a lot stronger than usual. 

Lupin approached her slowly, but she didn’t stop what she was doing. She was mixing some kind of potion, pulling out several ingredients from her hoodie pocket and throwing them in. He noticed her hair was a chestnut brown, thick and up in a loose bun, revealing bruising around her neck.

‘Shay.’ Lupin knelt down next to her, he went to touch the bruised area in an effort to assess the damage but she wouldn’t let him.

‘I’m fixing it.’ She snapped and her bright emerald eyes found his. She was terrified. 

Lupin sighed and kept watching her work for a moment. ‘Do you need any help?’

‘No.’

‘Shay-‘

‘I don’t need you.’ She shut him up with four simple words. 

Lupin sat back against the tower wall and observed her as she threw ingredients into the cauldron. She cried the whole time and on occasion she would hold her ribcage, she had more injuries than she was letting on.

‘I worried about you,’ he suddenly said, though Shay barely acknowledged that he spoke. ‘Over Christmas, I worried that you were getting hurt.’ She continued to ignore him. ‘Will you tell me what happened?’

Shay threw the last ingredient into the cauldron and sat back, sighing. ‘Tell me something,’ she said and suddenly the light amplified her being all the more, the low winter sun bounced off the purple skin covering her neck, her wrists and a little of her face. It looked as if she had been bound in some fashion and suddenly Lupin felt his rage return tenfold. ‘What would be the point?’ She asked, simply. ‘We could sit and have an honest conversation about what I was doing over Christmas, but I think you can see exactly what I was doing. We could share stories about how fucked up our lives are and share some sense of empathy. Honesty breeds empathy, empathy breeds understanding and understanding someone is how you learn to love and accept them for exactly what they are, regardless of flaw… you asked me if I understood what these men were asking of me, I understand perfectly. They ask me for things because they fear their honesty with the people who actually matter to them will cause them immense pain and loneliness, but I don’t say no. I say yes.’ Shay watched him with a new set of eyes he hadn’t seen before. ‘You ask me for the decency of honest conversation, and I give it to you because I feel how scared you are of not being accepted, the same as them. This is my purpose in life and you pretending that it’s anything else is naive at best.’

Lupin held her gaze for far longer than he thought he would. How could he make her understand that this didn’t have to be her purpose?

‘What do you think my purpose is?’ Lupin asked, curiously. Shay frowned for a moment. ‘You think your purpose is to provide a service to men who are afraid to be rejected by the people they love, you think this because you are something people reject by nature. I am the same as you, I’m broken like you, I reject my body the same way you do, I hate myself for the same reasons you do, so, what is my purpose?’

Shay didn’t answer, she just stared at him, before glancing down at the cauldron and pulling out a white, rusty camping mug to fill with the dark blue liquid. She sat back against the tower wall and sipped the steaming liquid. She took a moment to think and observe him before putting the mug down and pulling out a familiar tin. 

‘I’d rather you didn’t.’ Lupin asked, gently, but it only made her smile slightly before lighting up. She inhaled deeply before settling back with her mug and joint in hand.

‘I’d rather have an excuse to fall back on.’ She shot back, making him half smile as well. 

‘What is my purpose, Shay?’ Lupin asked again. ‘You and I are bound to similar fates… is my purpose to service women the way you do for men?’ Shay scoffed and almost laughed, it warmed him to see. ‘What? You don’t think I could?’

‘No, I actually think you’d be very good at that.’ She laughed and looked out at the grounds. ‘But I also think it’s easier to please women.’

‘Really?’ Lupin laughed. ‘Well, you’re going to have to tell me how, because I’ve never found much luck.’

‘Yeah, that’s probably because you’ve been all broody about the werewolf thing and put them off.’ Shay dunked her mug into the cauldron again, refilling it with the blue liquid. Lupin frowned in questioning, but she just shook her head. The purple markings around her wrists and neck had almost faded entirely.

‘Why do you think it’s easier?’ He took a deep breath. ‘You don’t think men and women want the same thing?’ Shay took another drag from her cigarette and said nothing. ‘What do you want?’ 

Shay said nothing, instead she sipped some more of her potion and lay on her elbow, staring out at the still snowy grounds. 

‘What do you want, Shay?’ Lupin tried again.

‘Why do you want to know?’

‘I’ve told you already, I’d like to get to know you well enough to care.’ 

‘And I’ve told you, I think you’re wasting your time.’ 

Lupin watched her drink the potion and smoke again. ‘What’s in the potion?’

‘This and that.’ She shrugged.

‘Tell me what’s in the potion.’ He said a little more firmly. Her green eyes snapped to his.

‘It’s just some basic medicinal stuff,’ she shook her head. ‘It’s to reduce clotting for a short period of time, it helps with bruising. I just didn’t have time to make it before I came back to school.’

‘Does it help?’

‘Yeah.’ Shay nodded.

Lupin shifted uncomfortably. ‘I don’t like forcing you to tell me things.’ He confessed. ‘Why can’t you just be honest with me?’

Shay said nothing. 

‘Shay.’

‘Why do you want me to be honest with you?’

‘You’ve already answered that. Honesty breeds empathy and so on.’

‘And what? You want to love and accept me?’

‘Don’t you think you deserve it?’

Shay was almost stunned into silence once again. She just looked out at the view and thought for a while. Lupin decided he’d said enough that night, he simply allowed her to think on what he’d said and come to her own conclusion. He didn’t want to push his luck too hard, he wanted her to come to him on her own, of her own accord.

She eventually made movements to pack up her things, he stayed quiet and let her do what she needed to do. She seemed to be trying not to cry again and as much as Lupin wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be okay, he knew that she needed to reach that conclusion on her own.

He looked to the stairwell where she had disappeared and realised that she must have dropped a bit of parchment on her way down. Lupin picked it up and was about to open it before realising that one way he could gain her trust was to resist temptation and allow her the chance to show him on her own.

I was panicking slightly, the question had come at me from a new direction. Lupin had never asked in that way before, he’d always been firm with me and always had the ability to make me want to answer his questions, but he never asked me if I thought I deserved love and acceptance with such softness before. I wondered if I did, for just a moment, I really wondered if I did. 

I spent the remainder of the week back hanging out with my friends and trying to help the Weasley twins pull off pranks, they always needed a fall girl and I was happy to do it, especially if I got a cut of the rewards, which I always did. They were good businessmen like that. It was always a good reminder that I was still young, I still had a few months of supposed happiness left and maybe I should embrace it more.

I felt a note slip under my hand whilst I was finishing my lunch in the Great Hall, it was from the Weasleys, apparently people were taking bets on what colour I was dyeing my hair next. I honestly hadn’t put that much thought into it.

‘What about blue?’ Oliver Wood said, sitting next to me, Percy Weasley wasn’t far away and I wasn’t keen to let him know about his younger brother’s antics. 

‘Blue? You mean like the Puddlemere United colours?’ I grinned, making Oliver laugh and shake his head.

‘They’re a good team.’ He defended.

‘A team who I happen to know you have signed for. Reserves, right?’ I raised my eyebrows, making Oliver stop for a second. He shrugged and laughed it off.

‘It’s not exactly public knowledge,’ he said. ‘How did you find out?’

I tapped my nose. ‘I know things, don’t question it.’ 

‘Probably less than honourable methods.’ Percy mumbled.

‘Say again, Percy,’ I said loudly. ‘Couldn’t hear what you said over the sound of your prudish attitude.’

‘It’s not prudish to follow the rules,’ Percy shot back. ‘Gambling is against school rules and carries a heavy penalty.’

‘Who said anything about gambling?’ I said, entirely offended. ‘No one said anything about gambling, Percy.’

‘I’m not stupid, I know my brothers are taking bets and I know you’re involved.’ 

‘You don’t know shit, Percy.’ 

I could hear Oliver sniggering next to me, but I knew the smile on Percy’s face. The smell of chocolate was unmistakeable.

‘How has your morning been, Professor?’ Percy asked, rather smugly.

‘Oh, piss off, Percy.’ I snapped. ‘Why do you have to ruin everyone’s fun?’ 

I stood up, grabbing my books and storming out of the Great Hall. ‘Gentlemen.’ I heard Lupin say as he followed me out. I turned suddenly to face Lupin, a small smile playing on his face.

‘You know what, I’m really not in the mood to be given detention today, so if you’re going to do it, can it wait until tomorrow?’ I snapped, aware that we were very much alone in the middle of the corridor outside the Great Hall.

‘Okay.’ Lupin smiled. ‘Tomorrow it is.’

‘Right.’ I frowned, why was he still smiling?

‘Indulge me for a moment?’

‘That is very much my job.’ I said.

‘Will you take a walk with me?’ 

‘Depends.’

‘On what?’

‘On why?’

‘Because I’m asking.’ Lupin shoved his hands in his pockets and I absolutely did not trust his good mood. ‘You can say no, Shay.’ He still smiled and I wasn’t sure.

‘Alright, I’ll indulge you for a few minutes, but only for a few minutes, some of us actually have work to do.’

‘I’ll not keep you long, don’t worry.’ Lupin assured me and gestured for me to follow him out of the castle and towards the lake. ‘So, you’re thinking of dyeing your hair blue?’

‘It’s an option,’ I sighed. ‘Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?’

‘It’s one of the topics I regularly think about bringing up to you, but in this case, I’m just using it as opening conversation.’

‘I’d rather you got straight to the point so I can leave and indulge in other things.’

‘Fine.’ Lupin looked back and me a grinned. We stopped at a spot beside the lake, strategically placed out of sight of the castle, Lupin clearly didn’t want anyone knowing we were speaking. ‘I want you to transform with me this month.’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘Yeah, I’m really not having this conversation again. You know why.’

‘You really won’t consider it?’

‘It’s pointless of you to push the subject.’ I folded my arms, waiting for Lupin to get to the real reason we were standing beside the lake. 

‘Fine. That’s fine.’ Lupin nodded, I thought it interesting that he didn’t push for more like he usually did. ‘You dropped this the other day, I thought you might like it back.’ Lupin pulled out a piece of parchment, one I wasn’t aware I’d lost. ‘I haven’t read it.’

I opened up the parchment to find it was a list of clients and how much they owed me before I collected at the end of our arrangements. It was everything I’d earnt over the Christmas period. I looked at Lupin suspiciously. 

‘You didn’t read this?’ I frowned, not believing him for a second. Lupin shook his head. ‘I don’t believe you.’

‘I don’t expect you to.’ Lupin still smiled. ‘Feel free to tell me, of course, if it’s something you’re worried about, but I wouldn’t read something that doesn’t belong to me unless I thought it was useful in aiding someone.’

‘And you didn’t think reading this would be useful to you?’

Lupin took a moment and sighed. ‘The truth is, I thought it would be very useful to me in helping to understand you and your position, but my first intention is to gain your trust. I can’t hope to do that by displaying such disrespectful behaviour… do you at least believe that?’

I observed Lupin for a minute or two, folding the paper and shoving it into my jeans pocket and folding my arms again.

‘I believe you.’ I decided and watched Lupin’s face light up. Somehow the smell of chocolate was suddenly so much more intense for just a moment. 

‘Good, in that case, would you also believe me when I say I think your current hair colour suits you much better than blue would?’ 

How did he do it? How did he infuriate me and then make me laugh within the same minute? I couldn’t contain myself and stared out at the lake for a little separation.

‘Did you seriously bring me all the way out here to tell me you prefer brunettes and to give me back my list?’ I could feel the glorious ache in my cheeks.

‘Mostly, yes.’ Lupin admitted and took a small step towards me. ‘But also to ask if you might give me some advice?’

‘What do you mean?’ I frowned. 

Lupin gestured to a large rock that most of the fourth years used for making out and a part of me cringed how he might have known of it’s existence. I decided to sit with him and indulge his conversation for a little longer.

‘Shay, I am in a curious position,’ he said, looking out at the still frozen lake. I could see some of the dementors still searching the grounds for Black and they always made a chill run down my spine. ‘I feel you are someone who can help me.’

‘What is it?’ I asked, curiously.

‘I have a secret that, if revealed, could change the course of year and my life in the most drastic of ways.’ Lupin seemed genuinely worried and I wondered if this was a trick. ‘I was friends with Black in school, he was one of my closest friends in fact. He knows of my condition and as my friend, took steps to make the transformations easier for me.’

‘What did he do?’ 

Lupin looked at me a smiled. ‘He, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew, were all I had in this world. Of course, Lily eventually came into the fold, but they were my best friends… I worry that my condition and the actions they took to protect that secret was what drove him to Voldemort in the first place. I fear I am the cause of the death of three of the people who I loved the most… I betrayed Dumbledore’s trust in allowing them to help me, trust that I feel I am betraying all over again if I do not confess soon.’ Lupin looked down at the ground, he seemed genuinely haunted. ‘What do you think I should do?’

Was he actually asking me? Did he seriously think that I could offer anything useful? Why was he even talking to me about it anyway?

‘Shay.’ Lupin looked at me when I didn’t answer. ‘I need your help here.’

‘Why me?’

He smiled again. ‘Because I think you can help me, I want you to help me.’

I thought for a moment, breathing in the smell of chocolate and tea. He was a sucker for home comforts and I actually enjoyed that about him.

‘Well, I think you should do whatever you feel is best for you.’ I said, diplomatically.

Lupin chuckled. ‘I think that could land me in a lot of trouble.’ He said, cryptically.

‘How much trouble?’

‘I think I could lose my job.’

I frowned again and watched him assess himself. 

‘Look, what do you want me to say here?’ I said, exasperated. I didn’t want to play games anymore, I was already in a little deeper than I had wanted to be with Lupin, I didn’t want to be anything more than this. 

‘Honestly?’ Lupin sat up straight and looked directly at me. ‘I want you to tell me that none of this is my fault, that I can be a good person if I really try. I want you to tell me that I deserve to be happy, after everything I’ve been through, I deserve something for myself.’ Lupin looked like he was about to cry as he looked back down to the ground, leaning his elbows on his knees with his hands clasped together. ‘I’m sorry.’ He said. ‘I shouldn’t have pressured you into listening to me… I’ll walk you back to the castle, Shay, I’m sorry I brought you out here.’

‘No, it’s fine.’ I said and stopped him from getting up and leaving before he was ready. ‘We can talk about it if that’s what you want to do, if it’ll make you feel better.’

I didn’t realise at that point that my hand was placed on his lower back and I was looking in his eyes pleadingly. Lupin stared at me for a moment and I saw his eyes darken in an all too familiar way.

I swallowed and took my hand away, shaking my head. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.’ 

‘Is this what you do with your clients?’ He suddenly asked, I could see he was angry.

‘I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.’

‘It’s not what I asked.’ 

I felt like crying. I didn’t want Lupin to feel like he was just another name on a list, he was different to other men, I knew that, I just made a mistake. 

‘My clients don’t usually want to do so much talking.’ I confessed and suddenly felt the shame I had felt on the train ride back to Hogwarts, the one that I felt before Lupin found me at the top of the Astronomy Tower. ‘How honest do you want me to be?’ 

‘Completely.’ Lupin shot back, he was still angry, but at least I felt like it was cooling. 

I pulled out the parchment and unfolded it. I handed it over to Lupin who was confused momentarily, before I let him read it.

‘Shay, this is-‘

‘I know you’re not like them.’ I interrupted him, feeling the tears start to get the better of me. ‘I know that you would never force me to do any of those things, even the things that have nothing to do with sex, but look at those numbers, I won’t have to do this for long before I can live quietly and away from people. This isn’t forever Lupin, but while it’s the only option I have, I figure I’ll take everything I can get, I’ll jump on every opportunity no matter what it is.’

Lupin just shook his head as he read the list. ‘I don’t understand. This is what you think you’re worth? Shay, some of these things even I don’t understand fully, how could you be expected to-‘

‘They don’t ask me to understand, they just pay me to do it.’

Lupin stood up and walked towards the lake, I wasn’t sure what to do. He took a while to think before turning back to me, there was a rage in his eyes that I hadn’t seen before.

‘You are worth more than this.’ He said. ‘Why can’t you see that?’ Lupin stopped for a moment before an idea hit him. ‘I’m going to ask you a question and I would like you to be honest with me.’ I nodded, completely unconcerned with what he was about to ask. ‘Have you ever made love to anyone?’ 

I felt a wave of terror trickled down my spine, similar to what the dementors were capable of and it must have shown on my face.

‘I thought as much.’ Lupin said.

‘Look, it’s not like I haven’t fucked anyone, that’s what they want, so why does it matter if I haven’t-‘ I stopped, I hadn’t realised I stood up in defiance. I wasn’t comfortable with this conversation in the slightest.

‘What these men want is vile and disrespects your existence in the worst possible way, and you don’t even know how wonderful it can really be. Do you realise how damaging that is? What if the day comes where you fall in love?’ Lupin was overreacting, I was regretting showing him the list, honesty was never a wise move. ‘What if you fall in love with someone and the ability to express that on the deepest level has escaped you? If this is all you know, then maybe-‘ Lupin stopped himself and took a breath. He handed me the list back and ran his hand over his face. ‘You should know your worth, your actual worth, not the price tag men place on you, because it falls so far short.’

I wasn’t sure how to respond for a moment and folded the parchment slowly. ‘You think I should charge more?’ I attempted to joke, but even trying that sounded so wrong in a way. 

‘I think you shouldn’t have a price tag on yourself,’ Lupin said, softly. ‘I think any amount of money shouldn’t be enough to make you do anything you don’t want to.’

I nodded and looked down at the ground. ‘Won’t help me pay my bills though, will it?’ I knew I wanted to cry, he could see I wanted to cry, but I wouldn’t do it. ‘What were you going to say? You stopped yourself, but what was the end of the sentence?’ Lupin suddenly looked very guilty. ‘Be honest with me?’ Those were the magic words.

He cleared his throat and stepped a little towards me, keeping his voice low. ‘If I tell you, you cannot repeat it, I don’t even particularly want you thinking on it, because it was simply heat of the moment, I wasn’t thinking straight.’

‘Okay.’ I frowned, suddenly a little scared of what he was about to say.

‘I was about to say: if this is all you know, then perhaps I should spend a night showing you exactly what you are truly worth.’ Lupin swallowed and I suddenly looked at him in a new light.

‘Would you?’ I tore my gaze away, I couldn’t look at him and not think about what that would look like.

‘I think I could lose my job if I even thought too hard on it.’ Lupin chuckled. ‘That experience should be reserved for someone more suited to give you what you need and want.’

I nodded and took a deep breath to stop the emotion getting to me. ‘Unfortunately we both know if I ever find such a person… well, you know.’ Lupin didn’t say anything and I worried for a moment that he was thinking something I would find as equally uncomfortable to talk about. ‘I should go. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more useful to you and I won’t tell anyone about this, I’m not like that.’

I went to walk away when Lupin stopped me. ‘Shay.’ I turned back to see him debating something in his head. ‘I am here if you want to talk… about anything.’

‘I know.’ I nodded and went back to the castle, thinking hard on my conversation with Lupin. This month’s transformation would be difficult, I knew that much.


	10. The Map

Lupin worried he’d revealed too much, but something about the way she had touched him meant he was almost in no control of what came out of his mouth, she was intoxicating. He could smell the spicy ginger scent that he was certain was the shampoo she used, but he could also smell something else that was entirely unique to her. Was it arousal? Probably not, he knew what that smelt like, but this was something completely desirable to him, it was addictive.

He stayed by the lake for a while and knew he was in serious trouble. He couldn’t have been certain, but a part of him was falling for her. Lupin was convinced it wasn’t real love, it was just a temporary cure for the loneliness he felt day in and day out, but her vulnerability was a rare sight and he found himself wanting to cradle her and take care of her every need and want. He was sure that part was more than temporary. 

Shay was mature enough to understand that he didn’t want to sleep with her, he just wanted her to be okay and his comment was just heat of the moment, but it definitely touched a nerve.

He didn’t bother giving her detention the next day, instead he pretended he’d forgotten the whole thing and allowed her to let off some steam in his class through performing the patronus charm with her partner. He wanted to make sure that they all had some idea of how to perform the spell and much to his delight her patronus took on the form of a fox, not a wolf like his. Shay caught him observing her closely, confused as to why her patronus didn’t take on the form of a wolf, but she didn’t say anything, instead she encouraged Oliver Wood to have a go.

Lupin thought on it for the next few weeks and before the following full moon, he once again asked her to transform with him. He knew the answer would be “no” every time, but he felt he would be doing her an injustice if he didn’t at least offer. She got into fights regularly and it provided a good cover for her condition, but Lupin did worry about the kind of permanent damage she was doing to herself.

By the time the next full moon came around, he’d confiscated the Marauder’s Map from Harry and felt an uncontrollable rage that he wasn’t respecting the sacrifice his parents made for him. Lupin went for a walk to cool off, observing Harry and Ron going back to Gryffindor Tower. Through some force of temptation, he looked for Shay who was currently in the kitchens, she would enjoy the map and possibly make him feel better as she had done after every full moon since the new year began.

It had become a ritual that they meet in the kitchens and he made her eat as much meat as her body needed to recover, she became less resistant over time and it pleased him to no end.

‘Oh, Remus, there you are.’ 

Lupin quickly tucked the map under his arm, pretending it wasn’t anything important as McGonagall came bounding up to him.

‘I meant to ask you if you’ve made any progress with Miss Clark yet?’ She asked, in a rather urgent manner.

‘A little.’ Lupin nodded. ‘Though not as much as I would have liked, she is still very resistant to idea of transforming together, so I’ve tried not to push her too hard on it.’

‘Well, why not? Surely she would feel less alone?’

‘My fear is that she worries she would become reliant,’ Lupin tried to explain, trying to be honest without revealing too much. ‘It’s a very common fear and entirely understandable.’

‘You mean bonding?’ McGonagall was trying to understand and Lupin gave her that much credit, but it was a complex thing to wrap one’s head around.

‘No, not quite.’ Lupin shook his head and cleared his throat. ‘It’s much more similar to what happens when a pack is formed, to become reliant on another werewolf during transformation can be a highly addictive experience, but not one that necessarily leads to bonding, however, Shay’s independence in her human form does not guarantee independence in wolf form and I think she is very aware of that.’

‘I see.’ McGonagall nodded. Lupin wasn’t sure if she did see what he was trying to say, but she listened and that may have been enough. ‘Do you think she will become reliant?’

‘It’s not a bad thing, Minerva.’ Lupin chuckled. ‘It could be exactly what she needs to see her own value, but to be perfectly honest, there is no way to tell what will happen or to what extent when two werewolves transform together.’

McGonagall nodded, she had a couple more questions about Shay’s behaviour, something Lupin had to admit was getting erractic in his class as well, but eventually she was satisfied enough to leave him alone so he could get back to the map. Shay was still in the kitchens and Lupin quickly made his way down there.

‘Miss Ginger, what a pleasant surprise.’ Lupin said, sitting down in his usual seat. 

Shay had been reading and drinking coffee when he arrived. She’d gone ahead and dyed her hair blue, much to the mysterious delight of the Weasley twins, Lupin didn’t ask any questions, he didn’t want to know. 

He couldn’t deny how good she looked with her hair tied up, her tight grey jeans complimenting her curves and her loose navy checked shirt, hanging from her slender frame. Lupin tried to focus on other things.

‘Mr Chocolate.’ She nodded. It was clear she was exhausted, it had probably been a long week for her. ‘To what do I owe the pleasure?’

‘I have something you might like.’ Lupin smiled and pulled out the map, laying it out on the table in front of her.

‘This is Fred and George’s.’ She frowned. ‘I thought they gave this to Harry.’

‘Wait a moment, how do Fred and George know about this map?’

‘How do you know about the map? Hang on, how the fuck do you even know it is a map? How did you open it?’

‘I wrote it!’ Lupin exclaimed, he was a little annoyed that his surprise was ruined. 

‘You wrote it?’

‘Yes, James, Peter, Black and myself wrote it when we were in school, we thought it’d be a laugh.’ Lupin sat back and sighed.

‘Moony?’ Shay narrowed her eyes, a smile threatening to escape. Lupin nodded, exasperated. ‘Merlin’s beard!’ She laughed. ‘You’re telling me that I’ve been running around for the last five years with the twins, pulling pranks and smuggling product using a map that one of the most moral men I’ve ever met, wrote when he was in school with a notorious mass murderer?’

Lupin exhaled deeply. ‘When you put it like that…’ He shrugged, but it was Shay laughing that had him not feeling so bad about it.

‘That is incredible.’ She still laughed, wiping away a tear and laughing loudly again. ‘I’ll tell you what, Lupin, you are full of surprises. Oh Merlin, you’re definitely not the man I thought you were.’

‘Oh yeah?’ He sighed. ‘And what kind of man did you think I was?’

Shay pulled out a cigarette from her familiar tin and lit it up without hesitation, Lupin had given up scolding her for it. 

‘A pillar of morality, respect and authority.’ She had a slightly more serious tone to her and Lupin feared it somewhat.

‘Any chance you could go back to thinking like that?’

‘Not at all, Mr Chocolate. Not at all.’ She offered him one of her hand made joints and Lupin couldn’t help but roll his eyes and take one.

‘Not a word to anyone.’ He warned.

‘As if I would.’ Shay rolled her eyes and watched as Lupin inhaled a deep spicy drag, he suddenly realised what the joint tasted of, it was ginger. ‘Anyway, are you going to start using this to spy on me?’

‘I might.’ Lupin shrugged with a grin. ‘I thought I might use it to catch Black.’

‘Using his own creation against him,’ Shay nodded and took a drag. ‘That’s dark man, real dark.’

‘It’s no less than he deserves for what he did.’ Lupin said, cynically. 

Shay held her hands up in surrender. ‘Not my business, I won’t ask.’

‘Oh that reminds me,’ it was Lupin’s turn to roll his eyes. ‘Will you transform with me this month?’

‘Nope.’ Shay was well used to the conversation by now.

‘Why not?’

‘Told you, lone wolf. Ask me a different question.’

Lupin inhaled deeply. ‘Is there anything I can do to change your mind?’

‘About what?’

‘Shay.’

‘What?’

‘You asked me to ask you a different question.’

‘I didn’t say I’d answer it.’

Shay inhaled a long drag and something about the way her lips softly wrapped around the end of the cigarette had Lupin glancing downwards, trying to compose himself. 

‘Why would someone want to be bound and ignored for hours?’ Lupin suddenly asked, he placed the joint between his lips and inhaled a little deeper than he wanted to. He looked up to see Shay eyeing him suspiciously, leaning on her hand and watching him. He had seen the activity on her invoice next to a client name and found it difficult to understand the activity and the purpose of it.

‘Why are you interested?’ She retorted, a small smile playing on her pink lips.

‘Just curious.’

‘Curious? How curious? Curious enough to want to try it, or just use it as a conversation opener to much more interesting topics?’ There was something a little smoother about her voice, was this how she was when she was servicing? Or was it just his hearing?

‘I just want to know how it works.’ Lupin played the innocent card.

‘How what works, my business or my clients?’

‘Both.’

‘We don’t have enough time.’

‘What if we did?’ 

Shay was silent for a moment. ‘What are you getting at, Mr Chocolate?’

Lupin sighed, he was letting himself get carried away. He took a deep breath and adjusted his position. ‘What if we had all the time in the world to talk about anything you want? Would you talk to me?’

‘What purpose would it serve?’ Shay was pushing his buttons a little harder. He finished the rest of the joint and roughly put it out on the table, under her constant gaze.

‘Shay, why do these men ask you for these things? What do they get out of it that you can’t share with me?’ Lupin hadn’t realised he raised his voice until Shay stood up without hesitation to pour some water and add salt. She placed the goblet next to Lupin on the desk and he took another deep breath, downing the liquid in one go. 

‘Well, congratulations on your first bad high.’ Shay half laughed once he’d finished the cure for his high. ‘You okay?’

‘I’m fine.’ Lupin nodded as if he’d never felt frustrated in the first place. ‘Though I think it best I don’t take anything from that tin anymore.’

‘Oh come on, one bad high shouldn’t ruin the rest.’ Shay said. ‘Just wait until you have a good one, and I mean a really good one, one where you just feel so fucking good all the time. Your head is full of ideas, your body feels full and you really think you’re capable of living. That, that is a good high.’ Shay finished the rest of her joint and frowned slightly. ‘Why are you smiling?’

‘Because what you’ve described isn’t just achieved by getting high.’ Lupin smiled and sat back, feeling much more relaxed than before. ‘That’s what making love feels like, especially when it is with someone you truly love.’ He watched her roll her eyes and get back to her book. ‘Shay, you can find it, you deserve to find it, just like everyone else.’

‘You and I are bound to have this same conversation until the end of our days it seems,’ she had a much harsher tone to her. ‘And the worst part is, no one plays witness to it, it’s just us. Me and you sitting, talking and never really saying anything of importance. If we were scholars, people would think we were wise… but we’re not. We’re monsters and any time we try to pretend otherwise is an injustice to our existence.’

‘Is that really what you think?’ 

Shay just looked at him for a moment. She turned to her cool coffee and finished it before closing her book and making a move to get up.

‘Shay, don’t go.’ Lupin asked, kindly. ‘Please stay and talk to me?’

‘Give me a reason to.’

Shay was at the door to the kitchens and Lupin suddenly confessed something he hadn’t wanted to. ‘It’s my birthday.’ She stopped and looked at him blankly. 

Lupin wasn’t sure what she was going to do at first, but soon she smiled softly and sat back down. 

‘I had a client whose birthday happened over Christmas,’ she started and Lupin was unsure of where she was going with her conversation. ‘He didn’t want the greatest sex of his life, or to experience things he’d never experienced before, he just wanted me to read to him while he went to sleep. That was it, nothing more or less than that. I figure it was something he didn’t get at home with his wife, but I don’t see why that’s something to refuse. It’s easy to do and it pleased him in some way.’ Lupin just watched her piercing green eyes, something about them was drawing him in, but it was nothing she was doing on purpose. ‘What would you like for your birthday, Mr Chocolate?’ 

Lupin couldn’t help his mind wandering, he could almost taste her, but he couldn’t let himself slip so far so quickly. He cleared his throat and felt the heat underneath his skin.

‘What about another freebie?’ Shay asked with a cheeky grin and suddenly Lupin felt the tension break. He laughed a little with her and ran his hand through his hair. 

‘I’m sure many men dream of a night with you free of charge.’

‘But not you?’ Shay frowned, she seemed genuinely curious.

‘I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think of it on occasion, but in this case, I’m not looking for anything more than you are willing to give.’ Lupin played it diplomatically. 

All rules went out the window with Shay, everything that made him a moral man was disarmed when she was around and he honestly wasn’t sure if he minded it much.

‘Why don’t you tell me what you want most from me and I will tell you if I’m willing to give it?’ She returned. ‘Let’s really be honest with one another.’

Lupin considered her offer but suddenly realised he just wasn’t ready to be that honest with her just yet. 

‘I see.’ She said, knowingly. ‘After all this time of asking me to be honest with you, you can’t even do the same.’ He could sense her annoyance, he knew he messed up, this was his chance to get her to transform with him and he didn’t take it, instead he thought on his own desires. ‘Well, if you change your mind, you let me know.’

‘Shay, it’s not that I don’t want to say it-‘

‘What is it then?’

Lupin sighed and ran his hand over his face briefly. ‘What I want from you is something I don’t know how to describe because I don’t fully understand the reason for it.’ Shay frowned, but he’d caught her interest. ‘I also don’t want to ask you for it just because we have an arrangement or it’s my birthday.’

‘Then why did you tell me it’s your birthday if you didn’t want anything?’ She half laughed, a little confused.

Lupin joined her, chuckling and shook his head. ‘I don’t know. I suppose I wanted an excuse to fall back on.’ 

Shay rested on her hand and smiled at him, an understanding was shared between them that Lupin enjoyed immensely. 

‘Is it just me, or do you think the rules are blurring between us?’ Lupin asked, more genuinely than he intended.

‘I think they’ve been blurred since day one.’ She grinned. ‘I think that whatever this is,’ she gestured between the two of them. ‘It’s more complicated than student-teacher, or friendship, or even companionship… it scares the hell out of me.’ She admitted much more quietly.

‘And yet, you enjoy it.’ Lupin added, knowing that he felt the same way.

‘I do.’ She nodded slowly.

‘As do I.’ 

They sat in more silence for a while and Lupin again, didn’t mind, he liked looking at her, she had pretty features that surely disarmed the most stoic of men, her skin was soft, her eyes were confident and focussed, her smile made him smile and her hair was thick, it smelt so good and part of him wanted to clear the table, lay with her and spend a whole evening wrapped up in the details of her body. Lupin sucked in a deep and uncomfortable breath, much to Shay’s amusement.

‘If it makes you feel any better,’ she started. ‘It has crossed my mind as well… and it wasn’t entirely unwanted.’

Lupin just watched her, almost shocked at her admission. ‘Why are you telling me that?’

Shay shrugged. ‘I figure if you’re not going to ask me for something… then I can at least give you the decency of being honest.’ 

He thought for a while, she was willing to be with him, something he couldn’t describe the reasoning for, she thought about it as well, possibly more regularly than was welcome. Lupin nodded casually, with a small smile on his face.

‘I think we could both lose our places here if we continue down this path.’ 

‘I think so too.’ Shay agreed. ‘So, what do we do?’

Lupin didn’t know what the answer was, he didn’t want to think on the reasons he was being starved of the experience and decided a small change in topic was necessary. ‘Why won’t you transform with me?’

Shay rolled her eyes, half laughing. ‘I’ve told you I don’t know how many times why not.’

‘Tell me again.’ Lupin pushed.

‘Because I don’t want to bond with you.’

‘But you know how unlikely that is to occur, so why are you denying yourself the company?’

Shay looked at him, she seemed genuinely confused. ‘You think it’s unlikely, do you?’

‘You don’t?’

‘Look at where we are,’ she said, a little annoyed. ‘Look at the conversations we’ve had, I don’t talk to anyone else about the things I do outside of school and I don’t care to… you’re the only person I feel I can let things slip and it’ll be fine in the end. I’m not in love with you or anything, fuck, some days I don’t even know if I like you, but I feel safe with you and it scares me.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I’ve never relied on a single person to give me anything in my life, and now, just because you turn up, smelling like chocolate, which by the way, I don’t hate as much as you think, and tell me that I can trust you to be there for me, I feel a need to rely on you for fuck knows what.’ Shay took a breath and Lupin tried to quickly process what she was saying. ‘I think the chances of us bonding skyrocketed the second you decided to care and I believed you… I can’t risk being wrong, but I don’t want to be right.’

‘So, you prefer not knowing at all?’ Lupin sighed. Shay nodded and he could see her emerald eyes filling with water. ‘How can that be better?’

‘I’m not looking for better, I’m just trying to prevent things from getting worse.’ Shay let a few tears go and Lupin felt for her. He moved to hold her hand, but once again, she jerked her hand away.

‘Why don’t you let me touch you?’ Lupin asked, gently.

Shay went to answer, but took a moment to get her emotions under control. ‘Because I don’t want to get attached.’ She said, simply. ‘I don’t want to know you like that and then have you reject me. I can’t do that again.’

Lupin felt the pain of her loss, he realised after all this time, he was in the same position as her, he had four great friends and then it all fell apart, he never connected with anyone after that and finally he found someone else he might have felt okay with, but she was just as scared as he was if it didn’t work out for the better. 

‘I understand, Shay.’ Lupin said, hoarsely. ‘But I still think that this could be worth it.’

‘Why do you think that? What makes you so sure?’

‘Because I lost everything when I was twenty-one years old.’ Lupin sighed. ‘I lost everything that made me feel good in the world, my friends, my job, my security, my sense of self… my will to live. Over the years I never found a single other person who could understand that and accept it for what it is, until you.’ Lupin gave a small smile. ‘You are infuriating and confusing, you are genuinely warm and kind, you don’t let people get hurt, like when you stood up for Miss Lovegood.’ He could see she didn’t quite remember who that was. ‘You are selfless, brave, staggeringly intelligent, beautiful and I find the combination of all those things… intoxicating.’ There was the twitch of a smile through her tears. ‘Shay, I ask you to be honest with me, I think, for the confirmation that you are who I think you are and I’ve yet to be proven wrong. You say I don’t know you and maybe that’s true, but I do understand you and I understand that you are lonely and in a lot of pain. Pain that I think I could ease for you.’ Lupin leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. ‘I think you are most helpless in the seconds before you transform, I am as well, because we both know at that moment, there’s no stopping what is about to happen, but you don’t have to experience that alone and you don’t have to worry about me fearing what you are. I accept you, Shay.’ She said nothing for a moment, her expression was unreadable and Lupin was getting worried. ‘Tell me what you think about that.’

Shay sniffed and turned away, still thinking. ‘I think… I want to run away and never see you again for the rest of my life. I think I want to throw you off the Owlery roof and pretend I never knew you… but I also think that I want…’ she was finding it difficult to say. ‘I think I want to be with you in a way I’ve never been with anyone before,’ Lupin heart suddenly lifted. ‘And I want to take you back to my cottage and we can just stay there forever and never cause anyone any harm.’ She suddenly laughed. ‘I think I’m feeling a lot of things right now.’

‘As am I.’ Lupin agreed, smiling with her. ‘You have a cottage?’

Shay laughed again. ‘Yeah, it’s a piece of shit though, needs a lot of work done on it.’

‘Where is it?’

‘In the middle of nowhere.’ She said, rather cryptically.

‘Tell me where you live.’ Lupin wanted to know and if she would let him visit. 

‘Yorkshire.’ She said, frowning slightly.

‘Will you let me visit you?’

‘Why would you want to do that?’ She chuckled.

‘Because I want to spend time with you,’ Lupin answered truthfully. ‘I care about you and I want to get to know you.’ 

For the first time, he watched as Shay considered his request, she thought hard on it for a while, before giving him a smile.

‘Fine. I’ll take a risk.’

Lupin felt his face stretch into a wide smile as she laughed at him. ‘I’ll make it worthwhile for you, I promise.’

‘That’s quite a promise.’ She flirted and it made him chuckle he felt a heat rising in his chest again as he misspoke. 

‘It is.’ Lupin watched her with softer eyes and just smiled. ‘Anyway, it’s my birthday and I would very like for you to go to bed and get some rest.’

‘Yes, sir.’ Shay nodded and collected her book once again. ‘I liked the map by the way, I liked that you shared that with me.’

‘Seems rather pointless considering you already knew about it.’

‘Yeah, but you didn’t know that.’ Shay stood up and wandered to the door. ‘If there’s anything else you feel like sharing, you know where to find me.’

‘I’m sure I do.’ Lupin nodded and watched her wander out of the door. 

He took a moment to think hard on the evening he’d had. It was well past curfew and he was tired, but somehow Shay had revitalised him. Lupin spent the remainder of the night trudging back to his room and thinking hard on what Shay’s cottage looked like, how she would have her life set out, how she would move around her home and how he would fit into all of it.


	11. The Cottage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for not replying to all the wonderful comments you guys have left, it's all been a bit overwhelming, but hopefully the next few chapters will make up for that :)

I didn’t mind my late night with Lupin as much as I thought, I liked that he was honest with me to an extent, but a part of me knew I was getting in too deep too quickly. 

I spent the remainder of the time leading up to the Easter holidays avoiding him like the plague, the problem being, he had that fucking map. I remembered the days that Fred, George and I would sneak out of the castle through the various passageways and into Hogsmeade or just simply to another part of the castle. I remembered the pranks we pulled, the product we snuck in and all the laughs we had, those days were few and far between now.

I scheduled more appointments with clients over the holidays, but made sure I had two or three days to go to my cottage and finally fix up the roof and back wall. I ventured out of Gryffindor Tower and made sure I went straight for the Owlery, avoiding Lupin’s classroom or any of the places I thought he might have been. I didn’t think he’d directly stop me from sending my invoices, but if he asked me to stay, I might have been more inclined to.

The night I spent with him in the kitchens was getting to me more and more, I thought about the way his eyes scanned over me, his thoughts running away with him, his bad experience with smoking, I could see him reaching his limits and if he went any further, he might have gone into shock and that was the very last thing I needed. 

The days were getting warmer, but the transformations weren’t getting easier. I hated thinking about Lupin in the moments before I transformed, it just confused me all the more. I had resigned to letting him get to know me, but I wasn’t in the mindset to return the gesture. If he wanted to try to connect with someone then that was his business, I wanted nothing to do with it. I needed to get my head refocused on that. 

I finally sent my invoices and let out a deep breath before heading back down the steps. 

‘Shay.’ The smell of chocolate was becoming a welcoming one. I turned to see his cheerful smile and rolled my eyes, unable to quite contain my own smile. ‘How are you feeling this morning?’

‘Tired.’ I said, simply, folding my arms and waiting for him to say something else. He quickly looked around before taking a step closer to me, I felt myself wanting to back up, but the wall was directly behind me so there was no room.

‘I was wondering if you would indulge me over the holidays?’ Lupin asked, quietly. There was no one around so I didn’t know why he was keeping his voice down.

‘In what way?’

Lupin shrugged. ‘Maybe I could visit you at your cottage? Help you fix it up?’ 

I sighed and shoved my hands in my pockets of my grey jeans, I could see his eyes drifting down to my legs and a faint pink blush fluttering across his cheeks. Lupin quickly looked away before returning my gaze again. I didn’t hate it. 

‘I’ll be at the cottage for a few days at the end of the holidays,’ I told him. ‘You can come over then if you really want.’

‘Only the last few days?’ Lupin frowned, I knew he’d pick up on that specific detail, why would I even describe it like that? ‘I thought you were leaving for the full two weeks?’

‘I am.’ I nodded. I didn’t want to say it, but he guessed it and Lupin’s face set into a deep sense of annoyance and frustration.

‘You don’t have to do this Shay.’ He said, that deep set frown appearing between his eyes again. ‘You don’t have to do what these men ask you to-‘

‘They pay me to do it.’ I interrupted. ‘That is my job, Lupin. This is what I do for a living and quite frankly, it’s none of your business.’

I didn’t wait for a reply, I just walked away. I couldn’t have this conversation again, not when I was this tired. I just needed to rest before I left the castle for the holidays. 

The holidays were as expected and I managed to get through it mostly unscathed. My joints were killing me, but luckily my last client cancelled and I could head back to the cottage for the last four days of the holidays before getting the train back to Hogwarts.

I made my potion to get rid of most of the bruising and went about fixing up the roof of my cottage. The back wall seemed okay, just a couple of holes that barely took much to fix up, it was pretty much there after a morning spent on it. The roof was just so awkward.

I had an old brown sofa that I decided to sleep on, avoiding the draft on the first floor. I thought hard on what I would do once Hogwarts was over and I honestly didn’t have much of a plan. I thought I would move to the east and just live out my days there until I was no longer wanted or required. 

I didn’t sleep well, so just as the sun was rising, I decided to get up and start work on building my bedroom up. I managed to construct the bed and tried to use it as motivation to get the roof done and dusted. 

It was mid-afternoon on the last day I had of the holidays when I smelt the intrusive scent of chocolate. I had almost forgotten that he was coming at all. 

Lupin strolled in the front door and looked around at his surroundings. I brought down another mug and began making us both some tea, resisting the urge to put anything extra into it. 

‘This is cosy.’ He smiled, cheerily. ‘Though I would suggest locking your front door.’

‘I don’t anticipate many visitors.’ I sighed and turned to see him. 

Lupin was really taking in his surroundings, he was wandering around my small living room that looked out at the hills between myself and the nearest village to my cottage. It was all dark floorboards and brown, cosy furniture. I didn’t really feel the need to afford anything else. I was almost certain I could have bought a luxury apartment in Diagon Alley with what I’d made over Easter, but I couldn’t maintain the upkeep forever.

Lupin wandered through to the kitchen and nodded. 

‘Satisfied?’ I asked, not quite in the mood for entertaining anyone, I was far too tired. 

‘Somewhat.’ He said, cryptically. ‘Are you alright?’

‘Fine. As per usual.’ I turned to pour the water into the two mugs and handed him one. Lupin took it gently and leaned against the wall in my kitchen, next to the back door.

‘Are you sure?’ He asked, much more seriously.

‘Yes.’

Lupin nodded and watched me for a moment. ‘Shay, are you surprised that I came here today?’

‘I wouldn’t have said surprised, no.’ I sighed and sat down at my kitchen table. I quickly tied up my brown hair into a loose bun, reminding myself to dye it again before I went back to school. 

‘What word would you use?’

I sighed and rolled my eyes. ‘Where is this going?’

‘I just want to know how you feel.’

‘Tired.’ I snapped. ‘I’m tired because I’ve been pretty busy over the last two weeks and I’m tired of feeling tired.’ Lupin frowned, not liking what I’d been up to over the holidays. ‘Is that what you wanted to hear?’

Lupin shook his head, thinking hard on something. ‘I think you look very beautiful with your hair that colour.’ I was surprised more than anything that he admitted to that particular piece of information, but he didn’t seem ashamed or guilty about it. 

I let a deep breath go and stood up. ‘I’m not in the right headspace to do this.’ I sighed. ‘I have a bathroom to fix up, so if you plan on staying, you can make yourself useful.’

I didn’t wait for him to reply, I just grabbed my tea and headed upstairs to my bedroom that took up the whole of the floor. 

The cottage was small, the stairs led straight into my bedroom and my double bed sat in the corner of the room below the highest point of the roof which was still fairly low. There was a large window in the roof that led out to a small balcony, where I had enjoyed sitting on the slant of the roof the night before. 

The bathroom was on the other side of the room to my bed and was small just like the rest of my home. It was all dark surfaces and cosy, which seemed to be the style I enjoyed the most and the one that was cheapest and easiest to build. 

Lupin eventually came up when I was in the middle of fixing the plumbing, he leaned on the door frame, his shirt sleeves rolled up with his forearms on show and I barely glanced at the scarring, having seen it all before and not really caring all that much.

‘Anything I can do?’ He asked, gently.

‘Pass me the wrench.’ I said and held out my hand. 

It was a moment before I felt the cool metal slide into my hand and only a second before I was handing it back to him, having fixed the problem fairly quickly. I stood up and dried my hands on a nearby towel. I turned on the shower and was relieved to find that it was running hot water as well as cold now.

‘There.’ I sighed and wiped my forehead, feeling the tiredness catch up to me again.

‘Didn’t seem like that hard a job.’ Lupin smiled and I just rolled my eyes at him.

‘Well, I have spent two days trying to fix it,’ I retorted. ‘You just caught the end when it finally got done.’ I gently pushed past him and grabbed a clean shirt to change into. 

I somehow forgot that Lupin was standing watching me, because I simply stripped off my old green and brown checked shirt, throwing it to one side, before collecting my navy checked shirt and slipping it on. When I turned around, Lupin was just watching me, I felt a discomfort take over that I wasn’t ready for.

‘See something you like?’ I teased, wandering towards the stairs and heading down to make another cup of tea. I listened to his footsteps as he slowly descended and the irritation began to build once again.

‘Shay-‘

‘Why did you come here?’ I demanded and little more aggressively than I intended.

‘Because I wanted to see you.’ A simple answer. I turned to see him leaning against my staircase as if inviting me back up and I knew it wasn’t intentional. 

‘You wanted to see me?’

‘I wanted to see how you were doing after…’

‘After what? After I had sex with strangers for two weeks?’ 

‘Shay.’ He snapped.

‘What?’ I snapped back. ‘It’s true. And you can only be angry because you know it isn’t going to stop just because you will it to, just because it disgusts you.’

‘It doesn’t disgust me, it makes me furious.’

‘Why? Because they have something that you can’t have?’ I didn’t quite recognise the point when it turned into an argument. ‘Because you can ask, if you really want me so much, just ask.’

Lupin shook his head. ‘I won’t.’

‘No?’ I stepped away from my counter and took a step towards him. ‘What is it you want then? You want me to throw myself at you? Because I can do that as well, if that’s what takes your fancy Lupin, we can play that game.’

‘I don’t want to play games with you!’

‘Then WHAT do you WANT?’

Lupin just looked at me sympathetically and I couldn’t hate it straight away. I was crying, tears were flooding out of my eyes at a rate I’d never quite comprehended before. 

‘I want you to have what you need and what you want.’ Lupin sighed. ‘Shay, I want you to have exactly what you deserve, which is not as sinister as you believe… I want you to feel loved.’

‘And what exactly is it you think you are going to do to make that happen?’ I could still hear venom in my words and I felt at a loss for control over myself. ‘You going to pretend to fall in love with me and pretend that it’s normal?’

‘There is more than one way to love someone Shay.’ Lupin looked as if he was fighting an internal battle. ‘There is more than one way to be with someone, none of this is about sex and yet that is your defence every time you get close to an honest conversation with me. Every single time I feel as though you are about to admit to what it is you really want out of life, you make it about the physical instead of the emotional. You asked me what the point would be, the point is that I am someone you can rely on to know exactly how it feels to do the things you do, to feel what you feel and to feel it so viciously that I want to run away as well.’ Lupin was panting as he calmed down a little. ‘I want to run.’ He repeated. ‘I want to hide, I want to never be found by anything pure ever again. I feel those things as well… but those things are not sustainable, they are not what I deserve. I didn’t ask to be this and nor did you, we don’t deserve to be this lonely.’

Things had begun clicking into place, he kept saying it, from day one he said it plainly and clearly, I just wasn’t listening. He knew how this felt. He knew because he had been here before.

‘You went east, didn’t you?’ I felt my voice cracking and Lupin’s reaction said it all. ‘You ran away as well.’

‘Shay-‘

‘Don’t you dare lie to me now!’ I felt a rage like I’d rarely felt before.

Lupin took a breath and it seemed to calm both of us down. ‘I went east.’ He admitted and suddenly my cheeks were burning with the tears that were gushing from my eyes. ‘For six months after the war. At that time, I didn’t have anyone else to turn to, I believed my life was over and that my best experiences were behind me. I was lost, just like you and without anyone there to tell me that I deserved more, just like you.’ He ran his hand over his face and leaned against my kitchen table. Lupin looked as though his thoughts were causing him a lot of pain. ‘In those days, there was a lot of money to be made from people who had fought in the war, widows, widowers, loners, those who had nowhere else to be or any desire to seek out more. I met a woman, she was eighteen and had been working in one of the clubs since she was sixteen, I felt immensely sorry for her and over the course of a week or so, I realised that she wasn’t trying to sell herself to me, she was flirting. I think in a way she knew I wouldn’t take advantage of someone like her, so there was a safety in sitting next to me at the bar.’ Lupin swallowed. ‘She was very wise and very kind, much like you. We spent time getting to know one another and every time we did, I could smell roses, I hate the smell of roses.’ He half laughed, making me smile a little. ‘But it wasn’t enough to put me off and one night she told me she’d fallen in love with me. I told her she didn’t know me well enough to fall in love. She said she didn’t care, she knew how she felt and told me she’d never felt that way before… she asked me to make love to her so that she could feel good about herself for a while.’ Lupin closed his eyes and the pain seemed to return.

‘Did you?’ I wasn’t sure why I asked.

‘I tried.’ Lupin nodded. ‘But I wasn’t in love with her, she was nice enough and I was bored enough to pretend for a month or two, but eventually she knew I was never going to feel the same way she did… I received a letter from her a few years ago, she was dying and asked if I could go and see her once more, to make her feel good once more. I sat with her while she died and I think it was enough for her to go peacefully, but I couldn’t help but remember all those things she was asked to do, what kind of life she was asked to lead and it… well, it broke my heart. I was the one person who went to her funeral, the one person she asked to love her the way she needed and I couldn’t do any of it.’ I could feel him staring straight through me, seeing every crack and tear I had. ‘I don’t want that to be you, Shay.’

I took a deep and shaky breath. I couldn’t look at him for a moment. ‘How… how did she die?’ I decided to ask.

‘A client was too rough with her.’ Lupin was about to start crying, I could feel it. ‘He ignored her when she said the safe word and resulted in her… in her bleeding heavily for days, no way to stop it. The man in question was never punished for it either. Shay, I can’t let that happen to you, I’ve watched far too many people die and I can’t watch anymore.’ 

I turned away, leaning over my kitchen sink and trying to breathe properly, I couldn’t let my resolve fail me now, I couldn’t let him get so close to me.

‘Shay, please say something.’ Lupin said, softly.

‘What do you want me to say?’

It was the longest time before he spoke. ‘I don’t know.’

I half laughed. ‘Yes, you do.’ I turned back to face him. ‘You want me to tell you that what you said has had an effect on me, that it makes me want to change and start treating myself with a bit of respect.’

‘Has it?’ It seemed a perfectly legitimate and simple question. 

‘I don’t want you to love me.’ I whispered.

‘Why not?’

‘Because I don’t deserve you.’ I could feel myself slipping once again. ‘You’re a good person, but I don’t deserve that.’

‘Yes, you do-‘ Lupin stood up suddenly.

‘No, I really don’t.’ I stopped him from getting too close. ‘What I deserve is to live here in my cottage until I can’t go on anymore and no one will come to my funeral, no one will even know I’ve died. That’s what I deserve.’

‘No, you don’t-‘

‘I’m the reason my parents were so unhappy, I was the reason they argued!’ I yelled. I stopped for a moment I’d never told a soul that before, so why was I telling Lupin now? He was just looking at me, no expression. 

‘Shay, you cannot blame yourself for their decision-‘

‘It was my fault.’ I said again. ‘They never meant to have me, I don’t have a single memory of my parents that wasn’t them arguing about how much it cost to send me to Hogwarts, or how there wasn’t enough room for them to live the way they wanted to live, or how they never got the chance to travel around the world because they were too busy trying to bring me up.’ I was full on crying, but something told me I’d be fine if I just got it all out. ‘I ran away that night because my dad had been drinking and told my mum that she was just a quick shag and when she told him she was pregnant, he figured he could learn to love her. I know what he meant by that, I know that they didn’t love each other, I know they spent years pretending for my sake, so I decided to make things easier for them and I ran away.’ I wiped away what I could of my tears, but my cheeks were soaked. ‘You know, that was the best night of my life because my dad carried me home and they stayed by my side all night, I felt like we were a real family for a while and I wondered if this was what it was supposed to be like, if this was what other kids got to have. They didn’t know what had attacked me, they didn’t know I was a monster and they cried and told me they would try to do better. As soon as we went to St Mungo’s and the Healers told them what had really happened, it all went back to the way it was before. They couldn’t bear to have a daughter so tainted, so monstrous, so three years ago I made everything easy for them and I left.’ I felt like I’d been yelling or shouting or screaming, because my throat was killing me and my heart was aching. ‘The best night of my life was the night I became a monster and my parents didn’t know. I hope they’re happy now, I really hope that they found some way to love each other without me as a burden, because they deserve that.’

Lupin just took a deep breath and scanned my face. ‘Would you like me to hold you for a while?’ 

It seemed like such an unusual question, but it was the right one. I didn’t want to say yes, but something about the way I looked must have given me away, because Lupin slowly entered my personal space, allowing me all the time in the world to refuse him, but I couldn’t, I needed whatever it was he was offering. His hands delicately slid up my arms, his thumbs stroked my shoulders and I felt my entire body ignite with warmth, I’d never know a touch like it. I felt his hands slide around my back and pull me close to his body, it was intoxicating, euphoric, better than any high I’d ever had before. The smell of chocolate, tea and old parchment invaded my senses and secured themselves firmly in my lungs, I never wanted this to end. 

Lupin gently held me, never holding too tight, never making it seem like I couldn’t step away, but through some unforeseen force, I found my own hands sliding up his lean waist and wrapping my arms around him, keeping him where he was. His thumbs stroked my back slowly and gently and I could feel myself relaxing into his touch. 

I felt my eyes close and when they opened, I was laying in bed and it was dark outside. I could see that my balcony window was open, I was still dressed, but I was exhausted, my eyes hurt and my body was heavy. 

A cool breeze circled my body and I didn’t mind it cooling my skin a little, I was too warm anyway. I eventually got myself up and saw that my tin of cigarettes was left open on a table near the window. I chuckled to myself, already smelling the spice from inside. I climbed out onto the roof to find Lupin sitting, looking up at the dark sky. He smiled at me and moved over for me to sit beside him. 

‘I didn’t think you’d mind.’ He said and handed what was left of the luxury cigarette over to me.

‘I don’t.’ I half laughed inhaling as deeply as I could. 

We sat for a few moments longer in silence, before Lupin decided to break it.

‘Shay, what you told me, your parents,’ he swallowed nervously. ‘I find it incredibly difficult to believe, not because I think you’re lying, but because I can’t imagine anyone would want to treat their child that way.’ I could feel the lump in my throat forming once again. ‘I can’t change the way you feel about it, I can’t even tell you if you were right or not, but I know I can make you see that you deserve more.’ I looked at him and saw the sincerity in his eyes. ‘I want you to be loved and cared for. Whatever your parents thought of each other, they did love you, I’m just sorry it took you almost dying for them to realise that, but you have to understand that I am sitting here, getting high with you, on the roof of your cottage, right now, telling you that you don’t have to die to be loved. You are worth more than anyone could possibly imagine.’

I couldn’t believe that I had anymore tears to cry, but I did and they came pouring out thick and fast. I took a deep breath and tried to think a little clearer, but I knew it wouldn’t happen with the rate I was smoking. 

‘Can I ask you for something?’ I whispered.

‘Anything.’ He whispered back.

‘Can we pretend for a while that we’re not monsters? Can I just have one night where I feel normal… and loved?’

‘Of course, you can.’ Lupin smiled and gently placed his hand on the top of my back. The same warmth spread through my entire being and for a moment I was dizzy. ‘Shay,’ I opened my eyes to see that Lupin’s were black and there was something strained about him. ‘I will give you whatever it is you need right now, but please understand that there is only so far we can go.’

‘I know.’ I nodded, I really did understand. ‘I just… will you just stay with me tonight? Just hold me while I sleep? Please?’

Lupin took a slightly calmer breath before nodding.


	12. Deserving Of Love

Lupin followed her back into her bedroom, he tried not to watch too closely when she took her navy checked shirt and bra off, replacing it with an old t-shirt. He tried so hard not to focus on the smell of arousal that was invading his senses when he touched her, but it was difficult when he was so close. He didn’t ever want her to know that he’d gone east for a time, he didn’t want her to know about the woman he’d met there or that he was a part of the problem for a time. But Shay had a way of igniting him in a way he wasn’t ready for. 

He slowly took his trousers off so that he was just in his underwear and t-shirt that he wore beneath his shirt, while Shay closed the window to her balcony, he could see her slender legs and the white t-shirt she wore riding up to reveal more than he could handle. Lupin looked away and took another breath to compose himself.

‘Having second thoughts?’ She teased, sliding herself beneath the sheets and getting comfortable. 

The truth was that this was a bad idea for so many reasons, but Lupin couldn’t escape the fact that she was so incredibly touch-starved that if this was the only positive experience she’d ever had, then he couldn’t worry about appropriateness. This wasn’t about him.

‘No.’ He smiled, smelling ginger as she smiled. He preferred her natural scent so much more and he was careful not to let that fact be known, but he had a feeling that Shay Clark would be his downfall. He slid beneath the sheets next to her. ‘Come here.’ He said gently and gestured for her to rest against his chest, which she did tentatively. ‘How’s that?’

‘Feels so good.’ She half laughed and it only made him smile and wrap his hands around her body. 

Lupin allowed her to fall asleep against him, knowing that he was enjoying the feel of her a lot more than he intended to. She broke his heart in her kitchen, all she ever wanted was to be cared for, her parents had barely given her any sense of what love really was, barely treated her like their daughter. It was no wonder she was so adamant that she deserved the worst things in life, if that was all she had ever been told then he had a long way to go in proving her wrong. 

He kissed the top of her head, inhaling that ginger smell once again, stopping before it became too much and tried hard to go to sleep.

Lupin woke the next morning with his arms wrapped around the waist of Shay, his fingers splayed over the skin on her stomach and hip, his body cradling hers so that he could feel every part of her from behind, all of her curves and soft shape. Lupin could feel her soft hair against his lips, he was close to her neck and the smell of ginger was a euphoric experience for him. He inhaled deeply and subtly pressed himself into her body just a little more before realising what exactly it was he was pressing into her.

Shay was still snoring softly, but there was a good chance that she would wake up any second and realise what was going on. Lupin carefully moved his hips away from her and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. Shay was still snoring softly and he found the noise was incredibly soothing. 

He needed to get up and remember the reason he came to her cottage. It wasn’t to sleep in the same bed as her, it was to see if she was okay after what had to have been a very difficult couple of weeks. 

Lupin hadn’t planned on telling her about his trip east, he hadn’t really planned on telling her anything at all, but rather finding out how she felt about herself. Lupin was starting to realise that this was a give and take scenario and it would require him to give a little more, at least for the time being. 

Eventually he was able to get up and leave her sleeping peacefully, he was in two minds about whether he should have left or not, but it took him far too long to decide what to do, to the point where he sat out on her rooftop in just his trousers and open shirt, thinking on how he really felt about sleeping next to her. 

He soon heard the sounds of Shay getting up and waited for her to inevitably make it out to the roof with him. She settled quietly next to him, wearing just an orange knit jumper, looking her age for a moment or two. It settled him in a way he wasn’t ready for, to see her as she should have been, young and innocent, was an absolute privilege.

‘You’re staring.’ She croaked with her heavy morning voice.

‘How did you sleep?’ Lupin asked, tearing his eyes away.

Shay paused for a moment to think. ‘Better than I have done in a long time.’ She admitted.

‘As did I.’ Lupin smiled gently. 

They sat there for a while longer, neither feeling the need to do or say anything. For a while, Lupin wasn’t thinking about anything and it felt peaceful. He wasn’t thinking about himself, or Shay or what would happen when they both went back to Hogwarts the next day, his mind was blank.

Shay eventually needed to make some food and kindly offered for him to stay for something as well. Lupin wasn’t sure why he obliged, but he told himself it was so that Shay wouldn’t be alone for a while. He even believed it. 

‘So, what happens now?’ Shay asked, pulling her legs up into her chest, whilst cradling her mug between her chest and knees. 

‘In terms of what?’ Lupin sat back in his chair, resting his hand on her kitchen table and observing the way the light ricocheted off of her soft skin.

‘In terms of us.’ Shay had a much more serious tone to her, one Lupin wasn’t sure he liked very much, it felt like a warning light in the fog. ‘It’s not like this has really changed anything, I’m still not transforming with you, last night won’t be a regular thing and it won’t exactly grow into anything else. So, what do we do now?’

Lupin felt his heart sink. After giving her everything she wanted, confessing to her, holding her, sleeping next to her and allowing himself to be some form of support for her, she still wouldn’t change.

He shifted uncomfortably and swallowed. ‘You think last night changed nothing, do you?’ Shay frowned. ‘I slept in the same bed as you… I have risked my job to come here and give you what you need and you think nothing has changed?’ Lupin felt angry, he felt almost humiliated and suddenly she could see that.

‘Tell me what’s changed then?’ She asked, perfectly innocently.

Lupin didn’t have a concrete answer. ‘You feel differently, you’re behaving differently-‘

‘I don’t feel different.’ Shay interrupted, she swallowed nervously, the same way she did when she lied and Lupin’s anger deflated somewhat.

‘You’re lying.’ He said and leaned forward. ‘I can see that you’re lying. I can’t understand why though, nothing that has happened here will make it out of this cottage, you can be as honest as you want without consequence, so why won’t you admit that things between us have now changed?’

Shay didn’t speak, she just observed him for a few moments. ‘Because what difference would it make?’

‘All the difference in the world,’ Lupin implored. ‘If you can see that even just a little bit of difference has been made to the way you feel, then there is hope.’

Shay seemed to completely shut down. She stood up and turned away, she was shaking. 

‘Is that what this is about?’ It was like a growl, coming from somewhere deep within her gut. ‘Hope?’ She said the word as if it was something entirely repulsive. 

‘What’s wrong with hope?’ 

‘Hope is something you tell kids to make them brave, to make them think you’re going to stick around,’ she said, Lupin could instantly feel her pain. ‘Hope is for people who are too scared to admit they’ve got nothing. But I’m not scared to admit that, everyone knows I don’t have a single thing worth fighting for, so if your only goal was to make me hope, then you can leave now.’ 

Lupin could admit to himself that he’d chosen the wrong word, he should have known it would trigger something within her, he should have known it was a pressure point. Hope was not something that had ever proved to be sustainable for her, but maybe he could be. 

‘Shay, I understand that you would have had some difficulty with hope in the past,’ he said, carefully. ‘But maybe I could help you change that. Maybe you could place your faith in me to not let you down?’ Lupin thought quickly. ‘Ask me for something.’ He saw her attention being captured. ‘Ask me for something you think I won’t give and I will prove that having hope for people, hoping they won’t let you down doesn’t always have to be a misguided dream.’ 

Shay took a long time to breath deeply and turn around to face him. She folded her arms and eyed him with a curious frown. 

‘Like what?’ She finally asked. 

‘Anything.’ He automatically responded. ‘Something you want, anything you want.’ 

She watched him. ‘That’s a dangerous thing to say.’ Was all she said before lifting herself away from the kitchen counter and heading back upstairs.

Lupin couldn’t let her walk away so easily, he followed her up and watch her take her jumper off, revealing just her thin, loose, tank top. 

‘Shay you have a chance to get what you want, what you really want and you still won’t take it.’ Lupin watched her face him, a little startled. ‘Why can’t you allow yourself to take what you need? I don’t understand.’ 

Shay swallowed nervously. ‘Because you can’t give me what I want.’ She confessed, but somehow she seemed small, innocent and unable to be the woman she was building herself into. ‘You just can’t.’ 

‘How do you know that?’ 

‘Because what you think I deserve, what you want to give, and what I really want are so far away from each other, you can’t even comprehend it.’ The tears were fighting their way out again. ‘You cannot give me what I want… I’m not as naïve or as stupid as you think I am. I am perfectly aware of the importance of love and I am painfully aware that you cannot ask for it and expect to get the real thing. It doesn’t matter how much you beg or need, some people just aren’t designed to be loved.’ 

Lupin was silent. Did she really think after all this time, everything he’d given and everything they’d talked about that she really didn’t deserve to be loved in anyway? It suddenly hit him like a lightning bolt. 

‘Your parents.’ He breathed, watching Shay go from defensive to very scared. ‘You just want your parents to love you. That’s what you want, the one thing above everything else.’

Shay’s eyes filled with tears. ‘Yeah.’ She breathed and all of a sudden the young woman he’d met on that first day, melted away. Shay Clark from day one was gone and this new, more human individual was all that was left.

‘I can’t give you their love, no one can.’ Lupin acknowledged. ‘Is there something else I can give you? Anything else you want?’ Shay looked up at him, not quite understanding what he was saying. ‘I could stay, I could hold you again, or maybe we could talk about things you want to get off your chest? Maybe something more material? Just tell me something else that you want.’

Shay took a breath, she quickly wiped away any tears that were about to fall and half smiled. ‘I’d like you to leave now.’ 

Not for the first time did Lupin feel his heart drop. He swallowed and thought for a moment, he couldn’t give her any other reason to doubt his intention, he didn’t want to leave her this way or even be away from the cottage, but if that was what she wanted and she asked for then he needed to do it. 

‘Okay.’ Lupin nodded and gathered up his shoes, getting properly dressed in silence, knowing that she was watching his every move, assessing his actions and possibly wondering why he was doing any of it. He wondering the exact same thing himself. He finally grabbed his jacket and put it on, ready to leave, but not before turning to see her frowning heavily with confusion. ‘I shall see you tomorrow I hope. If you need anything else, please don’t hesitate to come and find me. I will make the time for you.’ 

Shay gave a minuscule nod and Lupin figured there was nothing left to be said. He left her cottage and felt a hole starting to form in his chest in the shape of Shay Clark.


	13. Professionalism

I was so tempted to just stay home. Why bother going back to school? I was never going to use the results from my exams so what was the point in even turning up? I missed the train anyway, but McGonagall always sent a letter when I did and there was nothing I could come up with that would justify my absence. 

I quickly packed my trunk and sat on the end of my bed still debating with myself over whether I wanted to go back to that place. I had to. Too many people would ask too many questions if I didn’t. It wasn’t for very long, exams were upon us and people had their distractions to occupy themselves with. I just had to hang on until the end. 

I apparated to the gates and found the one person I really didn’t need to see, standing at the end of the path, checking his watch and awaiting my arrival.

‘I was sent to…’ Lupin started upon seeing me. ‘McGonagall was busy with some students, they seem to think you’d rather see my face than anyone else’s… I didn’t want to raise their suspicions by denying it.’ I just stood looking at him, wondering if this excuse was ever going to end. ‘Would you like me to take that for you?’

‘No.’ I heard my voice break as I spoke and mentally rolled my eyes. ‘Excuse me, Professor.’ I said and picked up my trunk, walking straight past him. 

I heard the sound of his long stride catching up to me. ‘I see you’re looking to approach this as professionally as possible and I agree it is probably the best course of action, but should you find yourself in need of-‘

‘Of what?’ I hissed, feeling my anger flaring as I spun on my heel to face him. ‘Comfort? A cuddle? Love? What if I am?’

Lupin’s brow furrowed. ‘Then I should hope that I have proven myself to be a reliable friend who you can turn to for such things.’ I couldn’t deny I was slightly intimidated by this side of Lupin. ‘But whilst we are in public settings, it would be wise to stick to the rules of professionalism so as not to cause harm to either of our reputations.’

I took a steadying breath. ‘Sure. No problem.’ I nodded and turned back towards the castle. I didn’t hear Lupin following me and I couldn’t smell chocolate anymore. I couldn’t care why not, I only had to stick it out for a couple more months and I would be free from Hogwarts and free from him.

Lupin hated that McGonagall had asked him to meet Shay at the gates, but there seemed to be little in the way of an excuse as to why he couldn’t go. Her dyed, red hair was a startling reminder to him that she was still in school and regardless of their condition and obvious connection to one another, he couldn’t let his personal feelings get in the way of what was the right thing to do. 

He wasn’t sure what her reaction would have been to his appearance at the gates, but it seemed she was as keen to remain quiet on their experiences together as he was. There was no point in drawing unwanted attention.

The next few days were difficult, Lupin looked down at the map every night and watched as Shay wandered around the castle with friends, alone, into the forest, disappearing down the secret passageways with the Weasley twins and sometimes disappearing entirely, only to appear again in Gryffindor Tower. How was she doing it? It was always the dead of night when she disappeared and Lupin never saw her do it until she reappeared.

One night he decided to keep a much firmer eye on her movements and find out where exactly she went. She was close to the greenhouse when he noticed her name fading from the map, he turned the corner to find her putting a glass vile away in her hoodie pocket. Aware that any closer and she’d be able to smell him, Lupin maintained a distance. 

He followed her out of Hogwarts and watched her get all the way to the castle gates, before she turned around to check if she was being followed. Lupin was sure she couldn’t see him, but it was a worry when her sharp eyes scanned over the spot behind the stone pillar that he’d chosen to hide behind. They didn’t linger too long, but soon she was doing something very unexpected. 

Shay began taking her clothes off. All of them. 

Lupin was entirely caught off guard, she was stunningly beautiful in the half moon light. Her pale skin looked soft and smooth, she had wonderfully shaped curves and her hair cascading down her back had his mouth watering. Shay picked up her wand and tapped the top of her head, her hair started turning from red to chestnut brown. 

She picked up her hoodie and started rummaging around in the pockets, taking out a white silk blouse and black pencil skirt. She dressed as elegantly as he’d ever seen anyone dress, charming her hair into a loose bun and grabbing her simple black heels. Shay took out a small black and gold clutch, opening it to summon her old clothes inside before sauntering off up the path and away from the school to apparate somewhere unknown. 

Lupin quickly took the map out to find that Shay’s name was still nowhere to be found. She was gone. He felt a fury starting to fill his whole being, where had she gone and how had she managed to fool the map? He had so many questions and the smell of ginger was suddenly all he could smell.

Lupin decided to wait until she returned to question her thoroughly on where she had gone, but after watching the map for nearly two hours, he checked Gryffindor Tower by chance to find that she was already back in her room. The same fury overtook him that had previously consumed him and he stormed back to his office to cool off. 

The next day, Lupin held onto his anger and breathed steadily throughout the day, keeping himself calm until the final class of the day. Shay had returned her hair to its red and gold from the very beginning of the year, he preferred the chestnut it had been the night before, but did his best not to make anything obvious. 

Shay was her usual brand of disruptive, but never quite stepping over the limit or giving him legitimate excuse to give her a detention. She was testing his patience in a different way and somehow managed to avoid him at every turn. He didn’t even notice when she had made it to the door of the classroom before he could ask her to stay behind, once again avoiding the impending discussion they needed to have.

Lupin was beginning to find himself more and more infuriated with Shay and the distance she was maintaining from him. She was quiet and able to avoid getting herself into real trouble with any of the teachers, naturally raising concern among them. 

McGonagall and Dumbledore were patrolling the corridors when Lupin left his office, Shay was in the kitchens according to the map and he was keen to intercept her before she disappeared again.

‘Remus.’ The headmaster politely bowed his head.

‘Dumbledore.’ Lupin greeted as politely as he could, hoping that whatever he had to say wouldn’t take too long. ‘Minerva, how are you this evening?’

‘Well, Remus,’ McGonagall smiled gently. ‘Albus and I were just discussing the progress you’ve made with Miss Clark.’ Lupin felt his heart dropping. ‘This month has been a remarkable improvement in her behaviour and she has been much less disruptive, much more receptive to her teachers and appears to have resisted temptation to fight with other students.’

‘Yes, I did notice an improvement.’ Lupin tried to keep it short and to the point.

‘Quite remarkable indeed.’ Dumbledore added. ‘Though the question of how still remains, perhaps you could share some advice so that we may better her final weeks at the school.’

‘Oh yes, well,’ Lupin was suddenly nervous. ‘I’m not so sure there is much advice I can give. It’s been a long year with a lot of very long conversations, I think Shay just feels better for knowing she can talk about her condition freely with someone who can relate.’

‘I see.’ Dumbledore eyed him curiously. ‘A great shame then that you were unable to teach here sooner.’ There was a slight pause before they both said goodnight to Lupin, who politely said his own goodbye and began to make his way down to the kitchens. 

He quickly checked the map again to find that Shay was still there and all of a sudden, he was nervous. Lupin tried to shake the feeling, knowing it was ridiculous and that he needed to speak with her like an adult. He turned the corner and found Shay hunched over a book, cigarette in one hand and a coffee in the other. She wore a grey pinstripe shirt, one that looked as though it may not have belonged to her and it caused the same fury to rise in Lupin’s chest momentarily.

‘Are you going to sit down?’ Shay asked without giving any indication that she knew he was standing there. Her nostrils flared very slightly and Lupin had a very bad feeling about where this was going. 

He sat down in his usual seat and leaned back against the wall, watching her lips wrap around the cigarette without taking her eyes off of the book on the table in front of her. Lupin wasn’t sure what to say, but noticed her hair was back to the red it had been when she returned for the final school term. 

‘Would you like to start,’ she interrupted his observations. ‘Or shall I?’

‘Start?’ Lupin frowned.

‘Yes, you have questions for me, I have some for you.’

‘You have questions for me?’ It was the first time Shay had made eye contact with him since he met her at the school gates and he disliked the rage that sat in the centre of them. ‘What are your questions?’ He tried.

Shay took a long drag before answering. ‘Did you come here to admit that you were following me the other night? Or to confess to monitoring me with the map?’ Lupin felt his body drain of all warmth. ‘I mean, it has to be one or the other, because you could have given me detention any time, you could have sent for me, but instead you chose to wait until now and knowing the little I care to know about you, it can only mean you’re here to admit to something you feel ashamed of… so, why don’t you tell which it is and let’s just get this over with.’

Shay didn’t break eye contact, she just stared a hole into him and Lupin feared it, but it also ignited an anger in him, the likes of which he’d never felt before.

‘Things between us have changed,’ he said simply. ‘At risk of repeating myself, you are behaving differently and you feel different. Why can’t you admit it?’

‘What good would it do?’

‘It might make you feel less lonely.’ 

Shay paused and took another long drag and a mouthful of coffee. ‘Did you enjoy seeing me?’

Lupin swallowed nervously. ‘Where were you going?’

They were both silent.

‘Yet again, we have reached an impasse.’ Lupin commented. 

‘And yet again, you ask for more honesty than you’re willing to give.’ Shay retorted and made movements to leave the kitchens.

‘Fine.’ Lupin stopped her with just his tone. ‘Fine, if I tell you my thoughts, will you tell me where you were going?’

Shay didn’t say anything, but sat back down, ready for him to be honest. 

Lupin took a nervous breath. ‘You’re a very beautiful woman Shay, I don’t know if ‘enjoy’ is the right word, but I certainly didn’t despise seeing you like that.’ Lupin tried as hard as he could to play it diplomatically, but something about her expression told him it just wouldn’t do. ‘You are attractive, Shay, I’ve never denied it and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to share a bed with you had I thought anything else.’ Lupin sighed. ‘But I will reiterate that you have other qualities that I value far more.’

Shay watched him curiously and inhaled from her cigarette, putting it out in the nearby ash tray. ‘I was in Paris,.’

‘What’s in Paris?’

‘French people.’

‘Shay.’ Lupin warned, Shay got the message very quickly. He wasn’t messing around.

‘I was concluding a deal I set up at the end of the holidays.’

‘What kind of deal?’

‘Have you been using the map to spy on me?’

Lupin narrowed his gaze and leaned forward on his knees. ‘Yes, I have been worried about your nightly wanders and considering there is still a mass murderer on the loose, I think it is a legitimate concern.’

‘I don’t.’

‘Well, my concern for you has nothing to do with you,’ Lupin retorted. ‘It’s my choice to worry for you and I take great pride in my choices. I don’t make them lightly.’ Lupin watched her expression change to something he wasn’t sure he understood. ‘Tell me about the deal in Paris.’ He gently commanded.

Shay nodded and finished what was left of her coffee. ‘There’s a medical research centre in Paris, I have investments there.’

Lupin was pleasantly stunned by her answer. ‘You’re making medicine?’

‘I’m selling some of my formulas to them to use for whatever they see fit, it’s hardly medicine and I will be making a significant profit on the whole thing, providing I can negotiate accordingly.’ Shay sighed and threw one leg over the other, still watching Lupin curiously. 

‘I have to say, it’s not what I thought you would tell me.’ Lupin felt his body deflating with relief.

‘What did you think I was going to say? That I was fucking some rich businessman, letting him do whatever he wants to me for a bit of spare change?’ Shay stood up defiantly. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll be back to my old ways before you know it, this is just a side job, it’s not a long term plan.’ 

Shay went to leave, but Lupin found himself, gently grabbing her arm and silently asking her to stay. 

‘How are you doing it?’ He asked quietly, noting her delicate removal of her arm from his light grasp. He was surprised at how little force he needed to get her to physically stay with him. ‘How are you hiding from the map? Why can’t I see you when you come back to the castle?’

‘Maybe you’re not looking hard enough.’ Shay spoke just as quietly and the smell of ginger was consuming him entirely. ‘I used that map with Fred and George for years, do you really think we didn’t try every trick in the book to figure out a way around it? Maybe your friend Black knows the same tricks.’

‘He’s not my friend.’ Lupin hissed, immediately regretting it. ‘Shay, he is a murderer and if he finds you and I can’t see you…’ Lupin took a steady breath, he was losing his control. ‘Transform with me this month.’ It wasn’t quite a command, but he could see Shay was hesitating to say no.

‘Do you know, I have never been more tempted in my life.’ Water began filling her eyes. ‘But the answer is still no.’

Shay took a stuttered step back, leaving Lupin’s personal space and it was only then that he realised just how close he was to her, it was intoxicating and just for a moment, not a single other thing in the world mattered. Shay left him in the kitchens and Lupin couldn’t resist the temptation to watch her make her way back up to the tower. What in the world had possessed him to behave like that? He should have been calm and composed, but Shay had disarmed him in the most unexpected and infuriating way.


	14. Shaken

I found myself working harder to stay away from Lupin in the days leading up to the full moon, skipping classes was easy and a quick fix, but I didn’t count on a note slipping under my hand when in the library studying one afternoon. 

Miss Clark,  
Detention at six o’clock this evening in my office.  
Don’t be late.  
Professor Lupin

Shit! I knew I couldn’t get away with it, not really. Lupin had kept a very close eye on me since the conversation in the kitchens, he didn’t miss a beat and this was only fuelling his motivations. He wanted to talk to me in private and away from anyone that may have overheard anything and taken it out of context. It could only mean that this would be an uncomfortable and extensive conversation.

I went about my day, sent some letters to the research centre in Paris on some formulas to look at and another letter which was an invoice to the investor of the research. I was absolutely not telling Lupin about him, I’d already bent the truth of where I went the night he followed me, there was no need to reveal anything more than I thought he could handle. 

I remembered that night very well indeed, I smelt chocolate the second I put the glass vile away in my hoodie pocket, the reason I was able to hide from the map whenever I wanted to, it was an old recipe from fifth year when I first started my side business and mostly gave me an alibi if ever Fred or George were watching the map. 

I knew Lupin was following me because the intrusion of his scent was so bloody strong! I remember looking back across the horizon of the grounds and seeing him peeking out just slightly from the stone pillar of the courtyard. He thought he was being subtle, and it angered me that he didn’t just walk out and reveal that he was in fact watching me. I don’t know how much I would have cared, but the fact that he did it without really admitting to it was what got to me the most.

It wasn’t like I could avoid Lupin forever, I knew I needed to be a grown up at least until the end of the year when I could leave and never see him again. I took a deep breath and made my way up to the Dark Arts classroom. I saw Oliver and the rest of my friends talking and heading down to get dinner, suddenly unable to remember the last time I actually spoke to them. When was the last time I had a conversation I actually enjoyed with anyone other than Lupin? 

My mind was blank.

‘Something wrong?’ Lupin asked, I hadn’t realised that he was walking towards me from the opposite direction and through my thinking about how lonely I really felt, I appeared to have arrived at the classroom. He had a sympathetic expression and I half hated it.

‘Fine.’ I mumbled. I didn’t want him to be concerned for me, I just wanted to get this evening over and done with. 

Lupin gestured for us to enter the classroom and led us up to his office, it was cosy as per usual and reeked of chocolate, tea, parchment and wolfsbane. 

‘You drink your wolfsbane in here?’ I exclaimed. 

Lupin sighed and shut the door with a gentle snap. 

‘Sorry, I don’t know why I said that so loudly.’ I shook my head, looking down at my shoes.

‘You do seem a little out of sorts,’ Lupin noted and gestured for me to sit in one of his comfy chairs. ‘Anything you want to get off your chest?’ I sat down and stayed silent while Lupin made us both some tea. I was more confused than ever, I thought this was supposed to be a detention. ‘Very well, this may well be a very short conversation then.’ He handed me tea made exactly the way I liked it and sat opposite me. ‘I haven’t been fair to you, I feel I have not presented myself as an honest friend, but rather as another hostile and manipulative conduit for other people’s agendas.’ I felt my face change, though I couldn’t quite be sure of the expression I now wore. ‘You seem surprised.’ Surprise? I suppose it was as good as anything.

‘I’m just curious about what you’re going to say next.’

‘Quite simply I’m going to be honest with you.’ Lupin sipped his tea and placed it down on the table next to him. ‘Shay, I’ve never lied to you, I have often withheld information I believed to be of no use or concern to you, but I should have known better, I would like to offer you this opportunity to ask me anything with the knowledge that I will try to be as honest as I possibly can be.’

I was stunned. This was not what I had planned for my evening. I could easily have taken advantage of his offer and humiliated him, but something about Lupin made me both want to go for the jugular and ask what he wanted me to ask. The problem was I had no idea what would come out when I spoke.

‘Did you enjoy sharing a bed with me?’ Jugular it was. Lupin didn’t seem surprised though, he just seemed to consider the question, replaying the night in his head.

‘Yes.’ He said, nodding. His blue eyes reaching mine and holding my gaze for a second or two. ‘Would you like me to expand on that?’ I nodded, not realising what I was doing. Lupin looked out of the window at the setting sun. ‘I enjoyed being close to you, I felt as though I was helping in some fashion, keeping you safe and I enjoyed being the person who might have made you feel better about yourself. From a slightly more selfish standpoint, I felt comforted, it has been a while since I have felt like that and to the degree in which you made me feel.’

‘You liked the physical contact.’ I looked down, feeling shame. It wasn’t something I’d felt for a while, but when Lupin spoke to me like this, all I felt was shame.

‘Shay, don’t make this about sex, because it’s not.’ Lupin said, gently, leaning forward. ‘I am attracted to you and I do feel a form of love for you, but it has nothing to do with sex.’

I watched Lupin for a moment and wished I had a cigarette to hand, just to calm my nerves and focus my mind a little. I took a short breath and leaned on my hand, nervously playing with my lip. What was I supposed to say to that? 

‘What am I supposed to say to that?’ 

‘What do you want to say?’ Lupin was more curious than anything.

‘Don’t you feel ashamed?’

He suddenly frowned and leaned forward. ‘Of what? Of wanted to feel comforted? No, of course not, how could I feel ashamed of something so wonderful?’ He seemed to genuinely be asking, but I didn’t have an answer. ‘Shay, if you feel shame over that night, I have a right to know. It could change everything if that’s how you feel… is it?’

‘No.’ I hadn’t realised that my eyes were filling with tears and I was about to start shaking again. 

‘If it’s not shame, it must be something else.’ Lupin coaxed. 

I knew what he was doing and I didn’t want to play his game, but something about him always had me admitting to whatever it was he wanted to know. 

‘I feel…’ Did I really want to admit this to him? He was quite possibly the only person who would understand the way I felt, but I still wasn’t sure whether I wanted to tell him anything. ‘Relevant.’ It was the only word that fit, but I still wasn’t sure it was the right one.

‘Relevant is good.’ Lupin smiled.

‘Is it?’ I felt my anger returning. ‘Because since that night…’ It was too late, I was shaking and I was angry, the tears were forming and I had no way of stopping them.

‘Tell me.’ He gently commanded again.

‘I don’t want to.’ I shot back. 

Lupin took a breath and nodded. ‘Okay, you don’t have to, I won’t force anything from you, but I will ask once more if you would consider-‘

‘No.’ I knew what the end of the question was.

‘Why not?’

‘The answer hasn’t changed.’

‘No, but the way you feel about it has.’ 

I stayed silent.

‘I think you’re scared because all this has made you realise something you are not yet ready to embrace.’ Lupin was getting frustrated, I could see it. ‘Shay, you must understand that I no longer care about the position I hold here, all I want is for you to have the very best chance to live as fully as you can.’

‘Why can’t you understand that I already consider my life to be over?’ I stood up, defiantly. ‘I feel sorry for you Lupin, you’ve wasted a year on someone who doesn’t want your help.’

‘That’s not true.’ Lupin stood with me and it instantly put a fear in me. ‘You know that’s not true.’

‘I don’t want to do this anymore.’ I whispered, feeling my tears dropping from eyes, barely hitting my cheeks. 

‘I won’t force you. I want you to choose something different for yourself.’

‘There is nothing else.’ 

Lupin began thinking very fast and I recognised the quick glance to my mouth instantly.

‘If you’re going to kiss me, it’ll cost you.’

I’d never seen a fury like it behind anyone’s gaze before, he was raging and still said nothing. I wasn’t sure what to do, he was just staring at me and the smell of chocolate was being replaced by his anger, I could smell sweat forming in the palms of his hands.

‘I have been frighteningly honest with you,’ Lupin growled. ‘It’s your turn… if I asked to come back to your cottage with you and spend the time showing you your worth, your real worth, would you let me?’

I was still shaking, I didn’t want the answer to slip out, but I couldn’t help it. ‘Yes.’ I breathed.

‘Would you want me to?’ 

‘I don’t know.’ 

I hated it, I hated that just by looking at me he could make me answer his questions honestly. Suddenly Lupin’s expression changed, it was as if he realised something and found it incredibly shocking and shook him to the core. 

‘Shay, if you want to leave, you should take the opportunity to do so.’

I wasn’t sure what was happening, but Lupin looked out of sorts, like his world had just crumbled around him and he was sitting in the aftermath of devastation. Had I really upset him so much with my honesty? 

I backed away from Lupin slowly and left his office the second I got to the door. I didn’t see him for the days leading up to the full moon, in fact I skipped all of his classes and most of the others, only attending my exams and avoiding eye contact with him whenever he was watching over the exam room. I could smell him though, chocolate, but now mixed with something else that I couldn’t quite recognise, I couldn’t even identify it, but it was insanely distracting. 

Lupin seemed somehow aware of it and chose to stay well away, something I was grateful for, but also annoyed by. 

The full moon was about to come up and I managed to get myself down to the Shrieking Shack to sleep the day away, the only problem was that I was woken up fairly sharply by someone screaming.


	15. The Prisoner and The Wolf

I could feel pain in all my limbs, the hard floor of the lower levels of the shack always did this to me, they always made my bones hurt and for the longest time I didn’t care, but since Lupin had arrived at the school, I felt a new hurt, one I wasn’t ready for and one I was beginning to despise.

I got myself to my knees, taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the pain radiating through every single cell in my body. I quickly downed my wolfsbane and tried to stand, but my stomach felt like it had daggers inside it. 

Another scream.

‘Fuck.’ I panted and ignored whatever pain I could to get to wherever the scream had come from. It looked to be one of the bedrooms, one of the ones I never went into because it was too far away from the entrance to the shack. 

I slipped on something wet on the floor and suddenly my lungs were filled with the smell of copper and… death. I tired so hard to ignore all the pain in stomach and rushed upstairs to where the smell of blood was more overpowering than before. 

I made it to the room where an argument had broken out between Harry, Hermione, Ron and a man I only recognised from his poster. I brought my wand out, but found my body failed me as I slumped against the wall, startling everyone. 

‘Why is it always you three?’ I panted, half trying to make light of the situation, half terrified. 

‘Shay?’ Hermione frowned. ‘What are you doing here?’ She asked before realisation set in. I couldn’t worry about that now, not when Sirius Black was only standing a few feet away, something about him smelt familiar though.

‘Sirius Black.’ I nodded in acknowledgement. ‘I suppose I should try to say something heroic like “Don’t hurt the kids, take me instead.”’

‘That would be heroic.’ Black had a small glint in his eye, one I’d seen before and suddenly I knew that smell.

‘You’re an animagus.’ I said and the room quietened. ‘You don’t happen to be a big black dog, do you?’ He nodded once. ‘Thought so.’

‘You’ve seen him before?’ Harry exclaimed. ‘Why didn’t you do something? Tell someone?’

‘Because, I didn't know it was Sirius fucking Black,’ I snapped. ‘Thought it was the bloody grim following me around.’

Black let a miniscule smile form and I wondered how murderous he really was. 

‘It’s funny, you don’t smell like a murderer.’ I suddenly found myself saying. ‘Your mate Lupin says you are, but all I can smell is death, no guilt or shame.’

‘That’s a keen sense of smell you have, Miss Clark.’

‘Oh, I’m full of talent me.’ I adjusted my position, figuring I had no plan and the moon would be up soon, if nothing else, I could hold Black off for a while until Harry and his friends could get some help.

‘So I’ve heard.’ He had a knowing look.

I didn’t know what to say and before I could respond, another argument broke out between Black and Harry. I didn’t know the full story of how the Potters died that night, but it seemed that Black had a much heavier involvement than I realised, at least according to Harry. I felt for the kid, I really did, it can’t have been easier to grow up without parents, but at least he could be grateful for the fact that they really did love him and he could feel it. 

Somehow Crookshanks had ended up in the middle of everything and seemed to be protecting Black. It was at that moment I could smell the familiar scent of chocolate, I groaned internally before anyone heard the footsteps from downstairs. 

Hermione was the first to shout for help and seconds later, the heroic Mr Chocolate came hurtling through the door. He didn’t give me a second look, not when there were children’s lives in danger and Sirius Black disarmed. 

‘Where is he, Sirius?’ 

Black pointed towards Ron and like everyone else, I was mystified. I thought Harry was the one he was looking for. Lupin lowered his wand and I decided if he wasn’t going to see reason then someone should, I gripped mine and tried to find a comfortable position to defend if it turned out the worst was happening. Surely Lupin wasn’t in league with Black? But then, I’d spent so much time ignoring Lupin, trying to keep him away from my business that I may well have overlooked something very important.

The faint smell of something else was now invading my senses, I turned around to look out of the bedroom door, but there was nothing there. It was the full moon, I was imagining things, I needed to remain focused on what was in front of me. 

‘Get away from me werewolf!’ I heard Ron shout. Lupin looked incredibly hurt, I understood it, but honestly what did he expect from them? 

My stomach was killing me, my muscles were weak, how was Lupin able to stand, let alone anything else? He seemed to be impressed with Hermione’s deduction of his symptoms and not at all upset by it, even complimenting her and calling her clever.

‘I just didn’t realise there were two of you.’ Hermione said and all attention turned to me. I had never felt so exposed than in a room full of people who began to realise that I was a monster. ‘You’re a werewolf as well, admit it.’

‘Yeah, so what?’ I said, defensively. 

‘Shay!’ Lupin snapped and I was half way between being terrified and angry. ‘Understand that they do not understand your position and patience is needed... I can’t deal with you right now.’ He shook his head and suddenly it was anger that over took.

‘Deal with me?’ I stood up, the anger replacing any pain I might have felt. ‘No one asked you to deal with me, Lupin!’ I shouted. ‘Not a single person asked you to come here and ruin everything I worked to build for myself!’

‘Dumbledore did!’ Lupin shouted back, but I could smell a small trickle of fear. ‘You were out of control and someone needed to put that right!’

‘That wasn’t your job!’

‘No, but no one else seemed to get through to you!’ 

‘Professor-‘ Hermione went to interrupt.

‘No!’ Sirius exclaimed and suddenly all mine and Lupin’s rage turn towards Hermione. ‘Hermione, don’t interrupt.’

‘Why not?’ Harry was getting progressively more and more angry as well and it was exhausting, to the point that I could suddenly feel the pain in my stomach and limbs again and it disarmed me. 

I fell to the floor, crumpled in a heap, trying not to cry. I wasn’t angry anymore. Lupin didn’t even try to help and I honestly couldn’t give a shit, I just wanted to be gone. 

‘No, no,’ Lupin seemed to be calmer as well. ‘Sirius, it was a good thing that she did.’

‘Remus?’

‘We don’t have much time.’ Lupin muttered. ‘Shay, can you stand?’ I couldn’t even speak. ‘Then I will leave soon, but first we need to explain things to Harry.’

Lupin was trying to explain things to Harry, something about Peter Pettigrew and Ron’s rat. Chocolate would invade my senses every so often and I would need to take a breath to focus myself, but it was getting too much. 

Suddenly I heard the sound of creak on the stairs, both Lupin and I looked to where seemingly no one else had heard anything. 

‘Shay?’ Lupin asked a silent question. 

‘I can’t focus,’ I panted, sweating heavily and just wanting it to be over. ‘I can’t smell anything other than you anyway.’ Lupin tried to move away to give me a little room, but it didn’t seem to do much good. 

He continued the story of how he was bitten, Sirius, James, Peter and himself creating the map, becoming friends and fighting in the war. It sounded terrible and for a while I watched Lupin, I could feel his mind working and every lonely memory he had making it to the surface. I saw Lupin differently and a part of me was hating every moment and the other half was craving more. I’d never transformed with anyone close by before and wondered if this was in fact what happened with larger packs. 

Suddenly a very familiar and terrifying smell invaded my nostrils. 

‘Wotcher, we’re no longer alone.’ I stared at the point where the smell was strongest, it smelt like parchment and the potions cupboard, like someone had been brewing wolfsbane. 

Snape revealed himself and the atmosphere of the room changed instantly, even I was scared, he was making up a story about Lupin helping Sirius, who I now fully believed was innocent, making out like they were bad people and there was only so much I could take. 

‘This is ridiculous, none of you should be here.’ I mumbled still holding my stomach which was only getting worse. 

‘I wouldn’t interfere too much Miss Clark,’ Snape hissed. ‘You’re already in quite the mess of your own, try not to make any decisions you might not be able to talk your way out of.’ I felt my heart dropping but my anger rising, Lupin looked at me and asked a silent question and before I knew what was happening, my wand was out and Snape was flying across the room. 

‘Shay!’ Lupin cried. 

‘You attacked a teacher!’ Hermione exclaimed. I slumped back down and felt the last of my energy draining from me. I was breathing fast and my chest was killing me, Lupin kneeled down and his soft hand touched my soaking wet forehead. It felt so good to have him touch me in any way. What was happening to me?

‘Sirius, we need to finish this, now.’ Lupin said urgently. ‘I can’t change here, not with her.’ 

‘I don’t understand, aren’t you-‘ 

‘I don’t have time to explain.’ 

I wanted to ask what they were talking about but I didn’t have the energy to talk, I still couldn’t understand how Lupin was still able to stand. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deeply, let the wolfsbane take effect and relax into the change as much as I could. 

I listened to the rest of the story about the night the Potters died and it seemed that this Peter man, who had disguised himself as a rat for twelve years, was the spy all along and Lupin and Black wanted to kill him. I pulled myself up and towards Harry.

‘Don’t let him do it,’ I said, quietly. ‘Lupin isn’t a killer, don’t let him kill Peter, your dad wouldn’t want that for his friends.’

Lupin and Black rolled up their sleeves and once again my eyes closed so I never really knew what had happened. I felt so tired, the wolfsbane making me want to fall asleep finally.

It was the moment I thought it that my eyes snapped open. Lupin still had energy to wander around, but wolfsbane, I’d always found, made me drowsy. I knew something about him smelt off, he hadn’t taken his wolfsbane that night! 

I stood up and caught sight of the full moon just out of the window, my whole body began to submit to the change, my limbs stretched, my back cracked and every bone began breaking. It was agony, nothing like it. 

By the time it was over I could hear the distant howl and knew I needed to do something, I couldn’t let him hurt anyone. I raced down the passageway, flexing my much stronger legs and leapt up into the night air in time to stop Lupin attacking Snape who was protecting Harry, Ron and Hermione. 

I pushed him away and found myself growling at a spindly creature with thinning hair and a very bony structure cowering on the floor. My own form, from what I had seen of my paws, was much more wolf-like, thicker chestnut fur and a less starved body. 

I lunged forward towards Lupin who was backing away like a very scared dog, I pushed him back all the way towards the Forest, before turning and leading him deeper in as far away from the children as possible. I looked up to see the dementors heading for the lake, whatever was there must have been human, they wouldn’t be attracted otherwise.

Lupin was following me around for most of the night and I knew I needed to keep him away from anything human. I couldn’t worry too much about the fact that we were two fully grown werewolves running around together, I couldn’t worry about whether we had bonded or whether my life was now changed, all I needed to do was keep him away from humans.

For a while it was easy, he was curious about me and followed me around like a lost puppy, but on occasion he would try to get me to go somewhere, I shut him down quickly and made sure he knew I wasn’t messing around. He couldn’t hurt me because I was the same as him, so I had no issues with making him bleed if that was what I had to do. 

The night was long despite it being the summer when the moon was out for shorter periods of time, most of it spent focusing on Lupin instead of myself. He’d wandered off for a few minutes and gotten caught my Buckbeak who was defending Harry and Hermione, why they were still around, I had no clue, but Buckbeak needed the back up and I decided it was time to get Lupin back to the Shack to rest for a while. 

Once he’d been scratched by Buckbeak, he was much more compliant and I felt I could take a small breather and finally go to sleep without having to worry about where he was. 

My last thoughts as I closed my eyes, listening to the sleepy werewolf snore: fuck Lupin!


	16. Last Day of School

Lupin woke feeling a guilt in his chest that he’d rarely felt before, how could he have been so stupid? It was a simple thing to remember, drink the damn wolfsbane! 

He turned over to find he was back inside the Shack, beneath the piano, he quickly reached for something to cover his body, feeling himself flare and ache in the usual way he did and found Shay curled up at the entrance to the bedroom. She looked exhausted, pale and thin, but so incredibly beautiful in the morning sun. He remembered only small snippets from the night before, including Shay darting out to catch him before he attacked Snape, Lupin also remembered how she protected him from Buckbeak and how she lured him away from anything human.

Lupin sat up, the scratches on his neck and his hand were killing him; he grabbed a blanket from the bed, wrapping it around his waist, before crawling over to Shay’s shivering body.

‘Shay.’ He croaked. ‘Shay, are you awake?’ Why did she have to look so good naked? She mumbled something and turned her body so she was flat on her back, Lupin’s mouth watered for a moment. He found another blanket and eased her body up into his arms, cradling her and keeping her warm. The smell of her was intoxicating. ‘It’s alright, just sleep now. Just rest, Shay, you’ve done enough.’ He felt her drained body deflate and finally fall into a deep sleep. 

Pomfrey and Dumbledore soon found them both and helped get Shay to the castle. Lupin downed a recovery potion, knowing it did very little, and let Pomfrey see to his injuries in his room. He wrote out a resignation letter to Dumbledore and asked the matron to deliver it. He was done. It was over.

The school had begun waking up for breakfast, by the time Shay made it to his office. He was nearly packed and imagined Harry would make a visit before he left for good as well. All he was able to do was think about how he fucked everything up, he forgot to take his wolfsbane, he could’ve killed Harry, he got distracted by Shay, he let his desperation get the better of him, he allowed Peter to escape. It was all his fault. 

Shay looked more exhausted than usual in her grey, pinstripe shirt and black jeans, she sat down with some difficulty in the only remaining armchair he had in his office and sighed. 

Lupin made her some coffee and placed it down on the table next to her. Her bright green eyes were bloodshot and he wondered if she had managed anymore than an hour of sleep.

‘I owe you a great debt, Shay.’ Lupin said as he continued to pack. ‘One I cannot possibly hope to repay, but you probably know that. I can’t imagine my saying “thank you” would be enough to express the gratitude I feel at what you did last night. If you hadn’t of lured me away from Harry and his friends… well, you know.’

She nodded slightly and sipped the coffee. Lupin sighed and watched her.

‘I can’t tell whether you’re angry or not.’ Lupin frowned, honestly not being able to read her expression. 

Shay let her body slump down a little further in the chair and eyed him curiously. ‘Yeah.’ She said and just watched him, as if trying to work out the answer herself to no avail.

Shay sipped her coffee and seemed to be waiting for him to say something else.

‘Do you accept my apology and gratitude for last night?’ Lupin frowned, he could tell it wasn’t quite rage she felt, but possibly she was confused about what she was feeling and had chosen to stay silent on the matter. ‘Is there anything you’d like to say? Maybe something you’d like me to say?’

Shay sucked in a deep breath, coughing slightly, drowning it out with a mouthful of coffee before leaning on one hand, draping her leg over the arm of the chair, still observing him silently. She remained that way for a while and Lupin began to wonder more out of frustration than anything. 

Lupin decided to let her think for a while, one of them had to stay focused on the present and he needed to leave before anyone asked any awkward questions. He wondered how people would react to Shay, surely her condition had also been revealed? Lupin imagined Dumbledore would have done everything he could to protect Shay, but things always found the light eventually.

‘If you find it difficult to stay here,’ Lupin started, unsure of where the sentence was going. ‘You can talk to me. You can tell Dumbledore or McGonagall, I’m sure they would both find a way for you to take your exams without feeling the pressure of… well, you know.’

Lupin trailed off, but still Shay just watched him. She eventually rolled her eyes and took a deep breath, apparently having had enough.

‘Okay.’ She finished her coffee in two more mouthfuls and stood up, adjusting her jeans and stretching her neck, she went to leave his office.

‘Can I come and see you? At your cottage?’ Lupin called after her.

‘Why would you want to?’ She said, not giving him a second to react, before disappearing from his sight for good. She was gone and Lupin had a very firm feeling that she would never see him again if she could help it.

Lupin took a deep breath, took the map out and tried to finish packing. Harry eventually came along and expressed his regret at letting Pettigrew escape, but it would be nothing compared to the guilt Lupin felt at how the night went. Lupin couldn’t help constantly acknowledge if he’d just taken his wolfsbane, none of this would of happened.

He soon left the castle, wanting nothing more than to cry loudly and scream in the middle of a field. Lupin suddenly hated his existence the same way he did when he was a student.

It was a long train ride back to King’s Cross and a very short journey to his cottage in Yorkshire. Lupin was tired, he was angry, he was disappointed and he felt like a failure. He curled up in bed, still fully clothed and slept for as many hours as he felt it took to feel less like a monster.


	17. Ships

I watched as my friends panicked about their exam results, knowing what mine would be before I even took the exams, Dumbledore insisted that I could wait a day or two before taking them, just so I had some time to recover from the night before, but I didn’t care in the slightest and if I was going to make it to the end of the year blending in, then the sooner the better. 

It was an absolute miracle that my involvement hadn’t made it out into the public, I thought for sure someone would have found out about my condition and apparently so did Lupin. 

I hated waking up in the hospital wing and I hated the memories I had of the night, I hated that Lupin didn’t take his wolfsbane and I hated that I suspected it was partially on purpose. I was filled with hate and rage and it was making me numb in a way, I couldn’t feel anymore and even the sight of Lupin, looking a little banged up and exhausted, just wasn’t enough to coax anything out of me.

I made it to the end of the year in once piece, Harry nodded to me and I rolled my eyes playfully. Fred and George said they’d miss me and I couldn’t deny I would definitely miss the pranks. Everything else just didn’t seem important. I didn’t say goodbye to any of my friends, I didn’t say thanks to any of my teachers, the only thing I left Hogwarts with was the bittersweet memories and the crushing relief that it was finally over. How anticlimactic.

The cottage looked much the same as when I left it, nothing too spectacular and nothing of note. I went straight to bed, fully clothed and slept for a while, knowing I would need to schedule in a meeting in Paris and a couple of clients to tide me over for a couple of months. It could all wait until I was more rested though, it was only the rest of my life I needed to figure out, it wouldn’t take me long.

After only a week I heard from Lupin, in all honesty I thought he would try to make contact sooner, the rashness of communication felt more his style. He wanted to see me, he wanted to come to the cottage and talk. I put the letter to one side and focused on the more important ones from Paris and clients. I looked to make a substantial profit in the next few weeks and I would have to hand over very little dignity it seemed. My concoctions were worth more than I anticipated.

I left a couple of days later and over the course of another week, I had managed to secure the deal and negotiated a thirty percent cut of all sales. I liked working out the maths and wading through the figures that, to most people, would be overwhelming. 

I returned home with a new type of exhaustion and found the smell of chocolate especially strong. I found a note sitting on my kitchen table and Lupin’s scent difficult to shake. 

Shay,

You left the door unlocked. I didn’t think you’d mind. We need to talk, I understand that you may find it uncomfortable and the last thing you want is to engage in idle small talk, but there are things that need to be clarified. I’m no longer your teacher and therefore no rules but our own, apply. We can talk and act freely without consequence. I don’t know how much comfort that provides you.

Remus

P.S. You were running low on coffee and I suspected you may have needed some more. Check the cupboard.

I felt myself give a little tug of a smile and found a fresh pot of coffee sitting in my cupboard, he was right, I was running low. I made some food cobbled together with whatever I had and went to bed. 

Over the course of the summer, I was in and out of the country on business and very little pleasure, Paris took up most of my time and unfortunately I had to stay over the full moon. Lupin and I left notes for each other and I offered my cottage as a safe place for him to change if he didn’t have one and made sure there was some wolfsbane for him to take. He was no good at making it himself and I figured I would meet him halfway. 

My place reeked of chocolate constantly as well as Lupin’s own scent which still baffled me, I couldn’t identify it, nothing else smelt like him and it was infuriating particularly in moments of stress. But I never saw him, we were like ships passing in the night, evidence of him staying at my place and in my bed existed, but I never saw it and for a while that was perfectly fine.

Shay,

You’ve got a little damp in the kitchen below the bathroom, noticed it last time I was here. You should probably look at getting it fixed soon before mould appears or more damage is done.

We need to talk.

Remus

R,

Feel free to fix it. I won’t have time.

S

Shay,

It would be easier if I had an extra pair of hands, are you likely to be home any time soon?

Thank you again for the wolfsbane, I took your offer as I didn’t think you’d mind my staying here for a while.

We need to talk.

Remus

R,

No problem. I don’t, do what you like.

S

Shay,

I’m assuming this is a longer business trip, you were barely here, you have been eating properly, haven’t you? You need to look after your body while it recovers and the long trips won’t be helping.

Is this Paris again?

We need to talk.

Remus

R,

Three square meals. Yes, it’s Paris.

S

Shay,

The full moon is coming up again, will you be spending it here or abroad? I would be grateful if you could show me how to make wolfsbane, it seems unfair that you go to the trouble of keeping us both safe.

I would like to contribute more to our arrangement, especially if you’re going to be away more often.

We need to talk.

Remus

R,

I’ll make some when I’m back. Arrangement?

S

Shay,

Thank you for the wolfsbane again, I would rather express my thanks in person. Will you be back again soon?

I believe ‘arrangement’ is as good a word as any. Though, I would be keen to renegotiate terms, as I said before, I don’t feel as though I have contributed very much. The damp is now gone completely, apologies for the hole in the ceiling, it was the piping; just a small leak, but it’s all fixed now.

We need to talk.

Remus

R,

What are your terms? 

S

It was weird, Lupin didn’t leave another note. I didn’t even realise it until the school year started up again and the need for burn treatment was being shipped out of the Paris storehouses. It was a new mix we were trying out, just a little something to help the initial burns and quick repairs of the skin. The initial results said it worked and now the minister was placing a massive order for a sanctuary in Romania and for the Triwizard Tournament being held at Hogwarts. Poor sods. Eternal glory, who’d dream of it?

I returned home, late at night, dead on my feet and the smell of chocolate was strong, stronger than it had been since I last saw Lupin; it was making me suspicious. There was no light except for at the tip of my wand as I ascended the stairs to my bedroom, almost tripping on every step as I went.

I was too tired to stop in my tracks, but if I’d been even a little more awake, I definitely would have screamed. But I’d had a long trip and a longer trip back, my body just wasn’t in the mood. Lupin lay curled beneath the fresh quilt, his clothes dumped in a pile beside the bed and he was snoring softly. 

I honestly couldn’t be bothered to wake him, but I did need a quick shower to clean the grease of traveling via portkey, I hated it, if I could have apparated then I would have done, but the exhaustion got the better of me. I managed to slip into an old t-shirt, but failed to recognise the quiet of the bedroom, indicating that Lupin may not have been sleeping anymore. 

I stopped by the bed and rolled my eyes, not that he could see. ‘Move over.’ I whispered and slid in next to his warm body, feeling him adjust to me entering the bed. He didn’t refuse or say anything, he just let me curl up next to him and fall asleep almost straight away, finally getting a good night’s sleep.


	18. We Need To Talk

Remus fell asleep almost instantly, the second that Shay’s warm, soft body curled in next to his, he felt all his anxiety and nervousness wash away, everything that worried him or even minor concerns he had just seemed irrelevant and unimportant. He was settled.

He woke the next morning with the sun streaking in through the window leading out to the roof, it was bright and just the thing he needed to wake himself up. 

Remus could smell Shay, feel her arms wrapped around his waist and he honestly didn’t have the heart to move her. She snored softly, she was very peaceful and it was one of the only times he had seen her as such.

Eventually he moved enough to look down at her, he frowned seeing that she had gotten tattoos on her arm. One stood out as being particularly beautiful, it was a very recognisable flower: Wolfsbane. There was no colour to the tattoo, but it sat on her forearm just below her elbow, surround the wolfsbane was an array of images, things like herbs he recognised, small symbols that related to alchemy and arithmancy. He found himself tracing over some of the symbols trying to understand what the hidden meaning behind them were, but he only ended up waking Shay.

She inhaled deeply and turned onto her back, stretching out. Remus turned with her and saw that her other arm was covered in tattoos as well, each one unique to Shay. Her hair was chestnut, her soft, womanly complexion just as beautiful as the last time he’d seen her. 

She threw her legs over the bed and ignoring his presence, she went downstairs. 

Remus sighed and sat up, just trying to wake up a little. After nearly two months of pathetic little notes passed back and forth, they were finally at the cottage at the same time and all she could do was ignore him. But she’d gotten into bed with him the night before. Surely that meant something more?

In all his contemplation of Shay, the woman herself appeared carrying two cups of tea, setting one down beside Remus and sipping at the other while rummaging around her top drawer, searching for the tin he knew used to be in there.

‘They’re on top, next to the chest.’ He said, almost in a whisper. 

Shay barely hesitated and shut the drawer gently, finding the small tin and taking it over to the window. She opened it and let the fresh air in, revealing the top of her thighs and a little more than Remus could take. He never really slept in anything other than his briefs during the summer, but he wished he’d put something on to hide his thin frame. 

‘You coming?’ Shay called, climbing out to the roof with her joint and cup of tea. It wasn’t completely clear if she was talking to him, but he figured she couldn’t have been talking to anyone else. 

Remus followed her out with his own tea and settled down beside her, watching the sunrise together. He watched Shay smoke and thought on how different she appeared to the woman he’d first met on the train to Hogwarts. She had been through so much and learnt even more about herself, he was sure of it.

Shay didn’t seem especially put off or annoyed that Remus was just watching her, she seemed at peace in a way, like she had nothing better to do than be watched by him. She gave the slightest tug of a smile as if confirming his suspicion before frowning and inhaling deeply. She offered the joint to him and Remus couldn’t resist taking a drag, anything to get the scent of Shay closer to his body, just to feel a part of her in some way.

‘Ginger.’ Remus nodded.

They sat in silence, passing the joint between them and drinking the rest of their tea. The sun was heating Remus’s skin and he thought he could spend all day just sitting on the roof with Shay, but it seemed she had other plans. 

She stood up and stretched her arms up, revealing the very tops of her thighs and the most perfectly shaped behind he’d ever seen. Lupin felt like an animal just staring aimlessly at her soft flesh, but he couldn’t look away. Shay took a deep breath, picking up her mug and stepping over Remus’s legs, almost straddling him. His instinct was to pull her down and be as close as he could to her, but he resisted every fibre in his being. He could have sworn she hesitated for a moment, feeling his desire and he could have sworn he could feel her own desires. 

Shay went back inside and he could hear the sounds of her descending the stairs. Remus took a deep breath, collecting his own mug and went inside after her. She appeared at the top of the stairs only a minute later and it was the first eye contact she made with him. They both stilled for a moment, not quite knowing what to do. 

Remus could suddenly feel a new anxiety, one he’d never felt before, it was an ownership, but a nervous one, something about his body, but it didn’t feel like his.

‘I hate you.’ Shay whispered, it was stuttered and Remus caught a tear falling before she wiped it away heading into the bathroom to turn the shower on. 

Remus sighed, placing his mug down on the side table and taking step towards the bathroom to talk to her. She was leaning over the sink and trying to breathe while the hot water ran. 

‘Shay, we need to-‘ Before Remus could say another word, Shay lifted the hem of her t-shirt and slid her underwear down so that she was entirely naked in front of him. Remus stopped in his tracks, he admired her body in a way that he tried to hide, but she probably already knew. 

Shay had more tattoos up her arms and a little over one side of her shoulder blade, they seemed to be a collection of symbols as well as words, but he didn’t recognise a lot of them.

‘When did you do that?’ Remus asked, more because he thought it would be an easier question for her to answer than him actually wanting to know the answer at all. 

Curiously she didn’t answer, she just stepped beneath the water and began to soak her body.

‘You getting in?’ She asked, grabbing her shampoo and for a moment the smell of ginger was all-consuming, making Remus step towards her a little. He tried to steady his breathing for a moment.

‘No.’ He shook his head.

‘Why?’

‘Because it wouldn’t be right of me.’

Shay just looked at him with her sharp eyes and he could feel a sense of fear surrounding her, but also something of need.

‘You don’t hate me, Shay.’ Remus said, taking another step forward. 

Shay’s eyes flickered over him, still a little fearful and he could feel the need arising in her again. Remus sighed leaned against the wall next to the shower, the bathroom was cramped enough but with two of them in there, it was stifling. He decided enough was enough.

‘You and I both know what has happened here,’ he said firmly. ‘We need to talk it through, because if we don’t, it will only get worse.’ He felt the unspoken question in her mind. ‘We will both start to feel a frustration and we cannot predict in what way that frustration will make itself known.’ Remus tried to get her to understand. ‘We can’t ignore it and expect it to go away. I acknowledge that it is mostly my fault that we find ourselves in these positions, but can you see that I am trying to make amends as best I can and find a way for us to live with this?’

Shay said nothing, she just stared at him, unsure of what to do or say.

‘I have errands to run.’ She said, going back to washing herself.

Remus just sighed and tried to stay calm, giving her all the space she needed, but he couldn’t let her escape their situation. ‘Fine. Would you like any help?’

Shay shook her head and seemed to be concentrating very hard on washing her hair. Remus could sense she was torn, a decision needed to be made, but he couldn’t identify the specifics. 

‘Shay, please don’t let yourself suffer anymore.’ Remus was almost begging. ‘Please just see that there could be some positives to this and they may not be what you think they are.’

Her eyes snapped up to his, there was an instant fury there that he wasn’t ready for, but it soon dissipated and left a very scared young woman staring at him.

Remus decided to stay quiet for a while, give her some time to think, he wanted her to make a choice about what to do, but if she was still angry then nothing would further his cause to get her to accept the circumstances. He watched her finish her shower, staying as quiet as he could and trying desperately not to disturb her, he tried to think about how to make things better, how to get her to talk to him, to say anything, but nothing jumped to mind, especially not while she was naked in front of him like that.

Shay eventually got out and wrapped a towel around her body, she combed through her hair in the mirror and Remus felt an urge to help her, he didn’t care how, he just wanted to be there for her and show that he could be trusted.

She didn’t give him that chance, she left the bathroom and headed back into the bedroom to get dressed into her brown and yellow checked shirt and denim shorts. Remus continued to watch her, hoping she would say something. 

‘I’ll be back later.’ She said, putting her hair up into a loose bun. She looked gorgeous, like a woman ready for a casual day gardening, not someone who was in every sense troubled. 

‘Right.’ Remus nodded, folding his arms. ‘So, you don’t want to talk about things?’ He could feel his jaw clenching with the frustration. 

‘I don’t have time, right now.’ Shay checked herself in the mirror, grabbing her wand and bag and heading downstairs. He followed her, trying one last time.

‘What about tonight?’ Remus pushed, watching her put her shoes on.

‘Probably not.’ She couldn’t even look at him. 

‘Shay.’

‘What?’

‘You’re avoiding something that cannot be put off forever.’ Remus said as firmly as he could without raising his voice, but the anger was starting to get to him. ‘You need to make time for this, I don’t care what the result is, I don’t care what you decide you want, but you have got to decide!’

Shay just looked at him, giving him an unreadable stare. ‘I will.’ She said and left the house. Before Remus could follow her out, he heard the cracking sound of Shay apparating away. 

His heart felt like it was about to give out, the sudden loss of her was momentarily unbearable and he knew perfectly well it wasn’t going away.


	19. Over Quicker

I knew what I felt, I hated it, I hated every second I felt it, he’d ruined me. Remus Lupin fucking ruined me. I was perfectly fucking fine, living my life, earning my money, dabbling in drug sales and sex clubs and then he had to come along reeking of chocolate, which I now craved more than anything in the world, and give me a fucking desire to live as fully as I could. Fuck Remus Lupin.

I resisted every need I had to answer his questions, deliberately taking too long to answer, trying to convince myself that I couldn’t hear him, but it was killing me to do it, it was killing me to look at him and see the disappointment in his eyes. I needed to get out of there before I changed my mind and he asked me to stay, if he had, I might not have found the strength to say no.

I felt so settled when I woke, feeling his soft fingers tracing my arms, the tattoos that covered my me, filled with personal jokes and potion instructions for my own joints and various other concoctions. I knew he’d be hypnotised by the picture of the Wolfsbane flower, but I hadn’t expected to enjoy his touch quite as much and I hadn’t expected to hate the loss of it so much when I went to make tea.

Just sitting with him on the roof of my cottage was a bliss I didn’t know I needed, but it was and I loved every second being under his gaze. The problem was, it only served to remind me of how he had forced a change in me that I didn’t want. For a moment, I truly hated Remus Lupin.

I had errands to run in Diagon Alley, mostly it was picking up supplies for a new experimental drug I wanted to try, I needed he space and spent pretty much the whole day in Diagon Alley, trying to find more and more excuses not to go back home. It worked and by the time I returned home, Lupin was gone, from the smell of the place, I may have only just missed him.

Curiously, Lupin didn’t make an appearance for the next week, not until the day before the full moon. I was still in bed and the whole cottage smelt like burning, a few failed experiments using leeches and the smell wasn’t going away any time soon. I couldn't find the will to do anything other than laze around, sipping wolfsbane and trying to think of anything else that wasn’t the pain in my body. 

Lupin had trudged in and made some idle comment about the burning smell, but I didn’t reply, I just looked at him lazily.

‘Can I stay here?’ He asked, his skin was pale, he looked so incredibly sick and helpless. Why did I want to help him so much? I found the energy just enough to move over and soon Lupin was climbing into bed next to me, his warm body wrapping around mine and I felt as if all was right with the world. This was euphoria like nothing else.

I was kind to Lupin because he asked me to be, I poured him a mug of Wolfsbane and he thanked me by helping relax the muscles in my neck and settle my stomach which always aggravated me the most. His hands were incredibly soft, but they were strong and I craved the touch more than I wanted to admit. He just had a way of making me want him to stay around.

Lupin’s breathing was getting heavier and I could imagine mine wasn’t much different, the familiar fear was setting in and I couldn’t do anything about it, I was terrified and helpless. I wanted to cry and scream, but I also just wanted everything to stop. Lupin never let me fall too far down that hole though, he was there to help me every step of the way and I hated how much I loved it.

‘It’s alright, I’m right here.’ Lupin panted and placed his hand over my waist. ‘Just relax, try to breathe, Shay.’

My body instinctively pushed back into him and I did exactly as he asked, he complied with my body’s wishes and once again pulled me flat out against him. He was warm and the smell of chocolate was all that was keeping me sane and present.

The moon shone brightly in through the window in my roof and I felt all courage and warmth leave me as my body started to stretch, my bones started to crack and break and the agony took over. When I turned, it was to see Lupin had fallen off the other side of the bed, I stepped towards the edge to see if he was okay and it was to find him curled up, panting heavily in his wolf form. 

For whatever reason, I felt sorry for him, hopping down off of the bed and curling up next to him to sleep. Maybe if I just gave in for a while, it’d all be over quicker.


	20. A Change In The Night

Remus craved her, he needed to take care of her, he needed to try and make her see that everything would be okay. The moon made him groggy and exhausted at the best of times, he rarely ever thought straight, so it shouldn’t have been a shock to anyone that he would feel an indescribable need to be with Shay.

He dragged his heavy feet through her cottage, smelling that beautiful ginger scent that ignited his every step up the stairs, finally seeing her laying in bed, trying to stay as still as possible, holding her stomach and breathing as steadily as she could. He needed to hold her, to tell her everything would be okay, to be the one constant in her life where she previously had none.

Her skin was soft and smooth and addictive, she whimpered so beautifully, such a pure and innocent sound to his ears. In some far-off corner of Remus’s mind, he knew that this was all just a result of the change that was about to happen in his body, but he didn’t care, it felt like such a basic need and one that had such an easy and willing solution.

Shay struggled against the pain, but Remus made sure that she felt she could rely on him, made sure that she felt comforted and safe with him beside her. Part of Remus knew he should have resisted his desire to be close to her, she would probably be upset about him being there, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care so close to the full moon. 

He felt her shaking and whimpering with fear, holding her seemed to relax her a little, talking to her changed her whimpers into small groans of appreciation and Remus felt like he’d at least done something right. 

Once the light of the moon shone into the room, the fear hit him hard, his whole body stretching and breaking, he rolled over not wanting to hurt Shay during the change and found himself on the floor. He soon felt her much fuller figure curling in beside him, giving him a small amount of comfort, keeping his body warm and on occasion through the night, he would feel her nuzzling into him. It was the best transformation he’d ever experienced.

Remus soon opened his eyes, seeing the morning sun streaking in over the bed above him. Shay was cold and naked next to him, her hands placed delicately on his chest, her face was so pure and innocent and Remus felt a rush of adrenaline that refocused his desire to protect her. He wanted to see her always safe and sound, always happy and always his.

His heart began dropping as he started to realise what he’d done. Shay didn’t want to bond with him, she said as much countless times, she didn’t want to have to rely on him for anything and Remus had taken away that freedom of choice, all because he was lonely on a full moon. 

Shay began to stir, but she was far too exhausted to wake up completely. Remus felt his throat getting tight and his eyes filling with water. He held her body close to his, keeping her warm, hoping it was enough for her not to hate him so viciously as she often did.

‘I’m sorry.’ He whispered into her hair. ‘I’m so sorry.’

Shay seemed to hear him, but had almost no reaction, she soon snored softly and Remus let her sleep the day away. 

He managed to help her back into bed and once again, she secured herself against him, not caring that he was naked next to her, but somehow he could feel her desperate and terrible need for him. Remus sighed, but couldn’t just get up and leave her, despite her obvious resistance and hatred of what he did to her, he saw this as an opportunity to offer her something she’d never experienced before. Love without condition. Love without sale. Love without sacrifice. 

It was only through the slight discomfort in the positioning of his body, causing him to move a little, that Remus noticed a stain on the bed sheet. Blood. His heart was falling again, Remus felt a rush of adrenaline once again, he pulled the sheets down and saw that Shay had five lines running in parallel across her ribcage. Claw marks. 

He couldn’t have been sure which one of them had done it, but Shay was clearly suffering because of it and Remus needed to help. He got up, pulled his briefs on and found a cloth and bowl. He made sure the water was warm and remembered that she had some excellent medicinal potions stashed in a cupboard in the kitchen. Remus mixed the water with the potion next to the bed and gently moved Shay’s arm, mostly to cover her chest and stop him ogling her, but also to save a little of her dignity.

As gently as he could, Remus cleaned the wound, listening to her small groans and hisses of pain as he successfully managed to close the open wound. Remus wasn’t sure how long it took, but he concentrated on his task and soon looked up to see her darkened green eyes watching him. 

He didn’t know what to say, she didn’t look angry or upset, if anything, she looked momentarily grateful. Remus decided to give her a little space, enough for her to move freely, without him hovering or making her feel as though she couldn’t do anything by herself. He cleaned up the bowl and cloth in the bathroom, coming back into the bedroom to see her putting a t-shirt on, struggling, but just about able.

Remus wanted to help her, he wanted to dress her so that she didn’t have to struggle alone. She looked incredibly beautiful in the morning light, her skin looked soft, her hair was silky and everything about her was perfect.

Remus stepped towards the bed, her head turning just slightly to see him.

‘Shay,’ Remus felt the quake in his own voice. 

‘Please don’t.’ It was a beg, small, quivering, filled with fear and disgust and it shook Remus to the core. 

He took a deep breath and stepped towards her. ‘I know this isn’t what you wanted, I know that I forced a change in you that you didn’t want-‘

‘Please.’ She begged again and Remus’s adrenaline spiked. ‘Please, just stop.’ Shay cried silently and Remus tested her resolve, he needed her to be okay. 

He sat beside her on the bed and felt her relax, but at the same time, he felt her disgust rise again. It was a strange feeling, the physical feeling of himself and her sitting beside one another, but to also feel something that related more to what was going on inside them both. 

Shay was shaking, she needed food to regain her strength.

‘I want to stay here.’ Remus said, quietly. ‘I want to make sure you recover properly.’

Shay inhaled deeply, tears still streamed down her face. ‘I know.’ She breathed. 

Remus could have kissed her there and then, fallen into her and never desired anything else, but he couldn’t do it, it wasn’t what she wanted. Her eyes opened, they were dark and a small fear sat in the middle. He had seen that look before and resisted every fibre of his being telling him to act on what he saw.

‘If I asked you to do it, would you?’ Shay didn’t look at him while she spoke. She didn’t need to, he knew what she was asking him.

‘It would go against everything I feel inside, but no, I wouldn’t.’ Remus replied as honestly as he could.

‘Why?’

‘You know why.’ Remus felt a flurry of frustration, but he was unsure of if it was his own or not. ‘Please don’t ask me that again.’

Shay suddenly looked at him and he could feel something sinister brewing.

‘I should.’ She said, a new type of hatred formulating behind her eyes. ‘I should ask you after every full moon to make love to me, I know you’d say no, but you would hate yourself for it and then you would know how it feels.’

Remus’s chest was inflating with a heat he’d never felt before. He swallowed nervously. ‘How what feels?’

‘To say no to transforming with you.’ Shay let her tears flood from her face, she turned back to the window and Remus was at a loss. He could feel her need for someone to be there with her, to hold her, to make her see that everything would be okay, but it was her fear of losing something so wonderful that was holding her back from accepting his love. Remus wanted to pity her, but the reality was, he understood her.

‘Shay, if you ask me be with you, if you really want it…’ Remus wasn’t exactly sure of the end of the sentence, but his emotions were all over the place. His entire being was filled with the scent of Shay and it still wasn’t enough. ‘Do you want me to leave?’

She didn’t speak, she nodded just enough for him to see she may not have wanted it entirely, but she definitely didn’t want to feel the way she did anymore.

Remus dressed silently and left the cottage, feeling the instant loss and hating that he didn’t push for more.


	21. Freddie

I did everything I could to stay away from the cottage, I went on more frequent business trips, I left smaller notes in response to Lupin’s, I tried so very hard to stay away, but it was painful. I only stayed at the cottage during the full moon and sure enough, Lupin was there as well, holding me, touching my skin, soothing my mind with his voice and the smell of chocolate became more addictive every time.

We barely spoke anymore, he would ask if he could get into bed with me, I would nod, we would transform together and feel a few moments of glorious euphoria, we would wake up, tend to any wounds we had and he would ask if I wanted him to leave. The answer was always “yes”, but I found it harder and harder to nod, it was like I could no longer function properly without him there, like I was being starved and it was killing me.

Christmas was coming up and I had no real plans for it, until Freddie sent me a letter inviting me to Norway for a few days. I didn’t really want to go, not after feeling betrayed by him when he bonded, so I found an excuse to go in the form of a new medical facility, researching ways to treat Yeti related injuries and diseases. I told Freddie I was heading there anyway and if I found time I would go and see him, I knew he probably didn’t believe me, but I wasn’t ready to admit I needed someone to talk to. 

Lupin left a note questioning why I had medical journals on Yetis turn up one morning, I think he was worried I was about to do something stupid and a part of me wanted him to suffer, so I said nothing, just that I was going away and he could stay at the cottage if he wanted. He’d asked me when I would be back, but I didn’t tell him, fearing he would be waiting for me if I did.

I left for Norway just a few days before Christmas and hoped I could get the trip over and done with as soon as possible. I knew Freddie worked as an Auror, a career he’d only realised once he bonded, but there seemed to be little in the way of crime in Norway, so I wondered what exactly took up his time. 

He lived in a very lovely two storey house in the middle of nowhere, it was pitch black when I turned up to the meeting point at the edge of a snowy field close by and Freddie made no hesitation is scaring the living shit out of me.

‘Oh fuck you!’ I yelled as his pale face was suddenly illuminated by his wand. He was laughing far too hard for my liking, but it was contagious and I couldn’t stay angry at him for too long.

‘Your face!’ Freddie laughed. ‘You should have seen it.’ His accent was so playful and had a hint of something French.

‘Oh fuck off, it’s too fucking cold for shit like that.’ I whined, still chuckling and feeling my heart rate wind down. 

‘Oh what? You don’t like the Norwegian weather?’

‘You know I don’t.’

Freddie still laughed and carefully guided me down the track to his home, he looked so at ease with himself and actually happy compared to the last time I’d seen him when he was angry and upset. 

I hated to admit it, but I actually missed Freddie, I missed my best friend. 

We made it inside and I could see him better, his white blonde hair poking out from his dark green beanie and his long black coat covering his lean frame. He was just a little taller than me, but his grey eyes, framed by round glasses made him look significantly younger. He gently took my own coat, smiling as he hung everything up and got a fire going. 

His home was cosy and smaller than I expected, filled with books and music and furniture that looked well-worn and accustomed to being used, I wondered how much time he actually spent at home.

‘So,’ Freddie clapped his hands together, inviting me to sit at his dining room table while he made some tea. ‘Tell me, why did you get so many tattoos?’

I had to chuckle, realising that I’d rolled the sleeves of my thick brown jumper up to expose my forearms. ‘I don’t know,’ I lied. ‘Just felt like it was more me.’

‘Liar.’ Freddie said as casually as I’d ever heard the word uttered. ‘You don’t need to be so defensive, since when did we start not being honest with each other? When did I ever lie to you?’ He challenged me. ‘Tell me why you decided to get tattoos.’

I folded my arms and eyed my friend. ‘If you already know the answer, why are you asking?’ 

‘Because I want you to tell me some epic story that I have never heard before.’ He grinned and handed me a packet of ginger biscuits, it was a joke he often liked to make at my expense. 

‘There is no story, there never is.’ I sighed as Freddie sat across the table from me, placing two brown mugs filled with tea down in front of us. He pushed his glasses up his nose and waited for me to continue. ‘I don’t know what you want me to say here.’

‘Who did you bond with?’ Freddie suddenly asked, making my heart drop. ‘I can smell chocolate on you and something else that isn’t you at all.’ He briefly explained, sipping his tea. ‘It’s not a client because last time all I could smell was sex, but this is different, it’s lingering and not in a way that you dislike.’

I just looked at him. I’d always been honest with Freddie, always said things directly as they were, never beating around the bush at all because there was never any need. We had an understanding. 

‘His name is Lupin.’ I said, not really wanting to say much more and it made Freddie chuckle.

‘Well, he seems to have rumbled you.’ Freddie laughed. ‘Why don’t you show more joy at this? You feel better, don’t you?’

‘No.’ I sighed. 

‘No?’ He seemed surprised. ‘So you don’t feel like you now have someone to talk to? Someone who makes you feel less lonely?’

‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘Is this why you invited me here? To talk about Lupin, because you shouldn’t even know about him.’

Freddie smiled. ‘You haven’t been seeing your clients since June, six months of not being anywhere near those clubs and a new drive to push forward medicinal potions across Europe. You think people don’t talk? I found out from one of your ex-clients that you cancelled all agreements after not being able to go through with a routine session… I put two and two together and I know you very well, Shay.’ 

I felt like my whole world had just been discovered. I hadn’t told anyone about cancelling clients, as far as Lupin was concerned, I was still a whore and I was fine with that. 

‘Tell me how it happened.’ Freddie said, gently. 

I half laughed, wiping away a few tears that I hadn’t realised had fallen. I told him all about my last years at Hogwarts, about Lupin trying so hard to connect with me and asking so many times to transform with me, Freddie understood my resistance and understood that I already felt betrayed by him and my parents, I didn’t want to fall into the same trap again.

When I was done telling Freddie everything that happened since the school year ended, he sat back and watched me carefully, frowning slightly.

‘Well,’ he tilted his head to one side, considering me in the sweet way he did. ‘That is not a very clean bond at all, Shay.’ I rolled my eyes and sighed. ‘Don’t get me wrong, it could have gone a lot worse for you, but you are probably having such trouble with this because you have not given yourselves permission to surrender.’

‘I don’t want to surrender, I want to get rid of it.’ I snapped frustrated at the whole conversation.

‘Shay,’ Freddie leaned forward, much more seriously. ‘There is no reversing this. You have shown yourself to this man, shared things that are truly raw and honest and you cannot take that back.’

‘So, what do I do?’

‘Embrace it.’ Freddie implored kindly. ‘Surrender yourself to him and give yourselves permission to explore this, find out exactly what you are capable of.’

‘Is that what you did?’

‘Of course!’ Freddie pushed his glasses up again. ‘Angelika and I shared many things, faced countless struggles before we felt a balance had been reached. She helped me to realise that I am a much better person than I used to give myself credit for.’

I nodded, realising that Freddie did seem happier and I was happy for him. ‘Do you change together?’

‘Every full moon.’ He nodded, smiling. ‘It has become much more tolerable in the last year or so, even enjoyable to some extent.’

‘Enjoyable?’ I mocked him. How could such a thing be enjoyable?

‘This is why you must talk to Lupin about what you feel,’ Freddie turned the conversation back around. ‘Otherwise, you cannot possibly hope to live a comfortable life.’

I shook my head not quite believing that I was still talking about this. ‘I can’t do that.’

‘Yes, you can.’

‘I don’t want to do that.’ I corrected my previous statement.

‘Shay, this is serious.’ Freddie wasn’t backing down. ‘You cannot resist this forever and hope to survive, people have died from not embracing this as a basic need.’

‘I don’t want to need him!’ I snapped, feeling my emotions get the better of me. ‘He didn’t give me a choice, he just went and did it, despite me saying no a thousand times!’

‘What?’

‘Lupin… the first time was an accident and we didn’t exactly change together, but he kept following me around during the night.’ I rubbed my temples. ‘I had to keep him away from Harry and his friends, he didn’t take his damn Wolfsbane and the whole thing was so fucked.’ I breathed deeply, not being able to look at Freddie for a moment. ‘I sat in his office just as he was about to leave the school for good, I watched him and he could have told me to do anything in the world and I wouldn’t have questioned it.’

‘Wait, wait, you didn’t mention that bit,’ Freddie stopped me. ‘You said when you changed, he followed you around, but you said he didn’t take his potion?’

‘Yeah.’ I sniffed, not quite following.

‘What about now? What about when you haven’t transformed? Does he still follow you around?’

‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘He comes to my cottage a lot, we never really see each other, but we leave notes.’

‘Do you feel compelled to follow him?’

‘I don’t know.’ I was getting frustrated now. ‘I find it hard to say no when he asks me to do stuff.’

Freddie nodded and thought for a moment. ‘Shay, I don’t know if this is normal.’

‘What do you mean?’

Freddie ran his hand through his hair and sighed. ‘When Angelika first came to the school to teach me about the condition, I didn’t think much would change, she was there to help guide me through the transformation when it was difficult and I listened to her instruction, I wanted to please her, but once we transformed together everything changed. Like most werewolves, we have a balanced relationship now. We give each other what we are lacking, I felt I was an awful person and she made me believe that I wasn’t. Angelika always felt a lack of confidence in her ability to make friends, I allow her to feel better about it and now she has many friends.’

I frowned. ‘I thought one was supposed to be dominant and the other submissive.’

‘It’s how it starts, but it always changes so that you compliment each other,’ he explained. ‘So that you feel like you are a part of one another. Do you feel like you are a part of him?’

I didn’t answer. I didn’t really know what to say. I took a breath. ‘Can we talk about something else?’

‘Shay-‘

‘Please.’ I demanded. ‘I don’t want to talk about Lupin anymore.’

Freddie took a deep breath. ‘You cannot change what you refuse to confront. You will never feel normal again unless you find a way to live with this. I will not say anymore, but you need to deal with this Shay. You cannot run away from everything.’

Freddie didn’t say anything else on the subject, we talked about his work and I was vague about mine. I could see he was disappointed in my unwillingness to be honest with him, but I was already done with Freddie. I would never say no to a quick conversation with him, but we had our time when we were young and wondering what we were. That time was over and we were different people with different needs now.

I stayed the night, but needed to leave in the morning to make the meeting for the new deal I was setting up in the research facility. I understood a lot of what they were trying to do and agreed to spend the next few weeks working on a few newer potions and improving some older ones. 

The only annoying thing about it all was Lupin was constantly on my mind, I could constantly hear his voice penetrating my ears and his fingers drifting over my skin and I was craving it more viciously than I’d ever craved it before.


	22. Freddie pt.2

Remus could feel himself going mad, he didn’t want to force Shay into anything, he didn’t want to suffer, he especially didn’t want her to suffer, but it was becoming a very real worry for them. 

He woke up in the cottage, smelling ginger and despite being surrounded by it, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t her. A letter had come via owl and he was about to put it in the pile with the rest of Shay’s post as he always did, when the name caught his eye. It was his. No one should have known he was at Shay’s cottage, so why was he receiving letters there?

Lupin,

Shay has told me everything about what happened to you both, but I fear for my friend’s wellbeing if she continues to deny this bond you now share.

If you want to help her, and I beg that you do, please meet me outside Ollivander’s in Diagon Alley, I’m afraid it’s the only place I remember the location of in England. I will be there tomorrow at ten if you are available, I would appreciate a few moments of your time.

Freddie

Freddie? Shay’s Norwegian friend? The handwriting was very neat, not one Remus recognised, it must have been Freddie. Was this why Shay had gone away? Had she gone to Norway to see him? Was she asking his advice? Maybe it was a good thing. 

Ten the following day could not come soon enough. Remus had so many questions for the young man Shay rarely spoke about, he wanted to understand what was happening and maybe Freddie could help him.

He grabbed his coat a little before ten and apparated into the busy street of Diagon Alley, heading for Ollivander’s. It suddenly occurred to Remus that he didn’t know what Freddie actually looked like, but Freddie found him instantly.

‘Lupin?’ The cheery young man appeared, his white-blonde hair that stuck out from beneath his dark green beanie was caked with snow. 

‘Freddie?’ Remus smiled and shook his hand. 

‘What a pleasure to meet you.’ Freddie said, enthusiastically. ‘I’m sorry to say that I don’t have much time, Shay is staying at my house and I am worried that she will suspect something. I’ve already told her I will be late home, but I have a feeling she didn’t believe me.’

‘No, well, she can be…’ Remus struggled to find the word, he was overwhelmed by the young wizard’s cheery persona and by the new information concerning Shay. 

‘Difficult seems an appropriate word.’ He laughed and Remus nodded in agreement. 

‘There’s a café just down the road, get us out of the cold.’

‘Of course, lead the way.’ Freddie chuckled and followed Remus down Diagon Alley. Despite it snowing, Remus noticed that Freddie seemed not to feel it, in fact, he was certain that Freddie was wearing only a loose t-shirt beneath his coat.

They settled down in a quiet corner out of the way and Remus tried to keep himself away from prying eyes. 

‘So,’ Freddie sipped his coffee and spoke quietly, knowing that they may not have been welcomed into such a public setting. ‘I hear that Shay has been having problems with what has happened and from the little she has revealed, it sounds as if it wasn’t a very clean process.’

‘No, not at all,’ Remus half laughed. ‘I tried several times to encourage her to voluntarily change with me.’ He gave a quick look around him, but no one was paying them any attention, there were too many people more concerned with Christmas to be interested in what Remus was saying. ‘She was very resistant and then things took a turn for the worst, I forgot to take my potion and she… well, she saved some important people despite not wanting anything to do with me.’

‘She said you did not give her a choice?’ Freddie’s grey eyes narrowed slightly.

‘I suppose I didn’t.’ Remus shook his head. ‘But she said yes, didn’t she? That’s how I remember it anyway.’

‘When did she say yes?’ The young man asked. Remus was hesitant to say anything, not really knowing him and feeling as if this was a private matter that needed to be discussed with Shay. ‘She said you changed together a few months ago? Was that the first time she willingly joined you?’

Remus shifted, swallowing nervously. ‘I asked… she was in bed, I asked if could stay.’

‘And did she say yes?’

‘She moved over in the bed, but she didn’t say anything.’

‘She said yes,’ Freddie nodded, breathing in relief. ‘Believe me, if there’s one thing I know about Shay, it’s that if you ask her something and she says nothing, she is saying yes.’

‘How do you know?’

‘Because I have known her for many years, I know Shay very well.’ Freddie sipped his coffee and it was only then that Remus noticed he wore silver rings on his thumbs and a few of his fingers, he seemed like such a gentle soul. ‘And how did you feel about it the first time? At the school?’

‘Excuse me?’

‘When you were together, what did you feel?’ Freddie clarified, but it still didn’t make much sense to him. 

‘Erm…’ Remus shook his head. ‘I’m not really sure, I don’t remember much, but I do remember feeling a need that I can’t explain.’

‘A need for Shay?’ Freddie said is so casually and it made Remus slightly embarrassed to admit it. ‘Lupin, she feels the same need for you constantly, she is resisting it at every moment and I can see that it is killing her to do it. You must sit down together and talk about what it is you both feel. You cannot find your balance if you don’t.’

‘I understand that,’ Remus said, a little frustrated. ‘But getting her to talk about anything is difficult at the best of times.’

‘It is, but you are the only person now who can do it.’ Freddie nodded, adjusting his round glasses up his nose. ‘When I bonded, it was difficult for me to understand as well, I felt a need for something that I couldn’t place. Angelika and I spent a long time trying to understand what the other needed, it wasn’t a relationship or sex or anything else, it was simply a friend. Shay needs something from you and you need something from her. You must try to figure out what that is.’

‘The problem is, Shay won’t tell me anything she needs that I can actually give.’ Remus sighed, looking out of the window at the snow falling outside. ‘She told me about her parents, but I can’t give her their love.’ 

‘Then that is not what she needs from you.’ Freddie implored. ‘Shay is not a very subtle individual, I’ve found, she doesn’t tend to beat around the bush when it comes to what she wants.’

Remus watched the bright grey eyes of the young Norwegian and something began to click in the back of his mind. 

‘Shay has never had the luxury of getting what she wants,’ Freddie continued. ‘When we used to write letters together as children, she told me all she ever wanted was to feel loved, to share her life with someone. I think she went east for many reasons, the most important one was that she never wanted anyone to feel the loneliness she experienced. Perhaps that has manifested itself as something else as she has gotten older? Perhaps she is looking for something more physical from you?’

Remus stayed still for a moment. ‘That’s not what she wants.’ He said, firmly. ‘That is the one thing she really doesn’t want.’

Freddie leaned forward and gave a small smirk. ‘Have you heard the phrase “she doth protest too much”?’

‘Shakespeare, a muggle writer.’ Remus nodded, suddenly realising what he was saying. ‘I can’t do that to her. She told me she didn’t want that, she’s quite happy to torture me with the notion, but she doesn’t really want it.’

Freddie sighed and leaned back, trying to think of something else. 

‘Look, all I know is that you did not bond cleanly,’ he said. ‘So, this will not be an easy task for either of you, it will take time and patience if you can spare it. Please do not let my friend kill herself because of stupidity and stubbornness.’

‘I won’t.’ Remus said, quickly. ‘I can’t let her kill herself, not like this.’

‘Good.’ Freddie nodded. ‘Now, would you like me to tell you what no one tells you when you bond?’

There was a playful glint in his eye, much like Shay’s, it was full of youth and hopefulness and Remus enjoyed it immensely. Freddie told him about his initial resistance to bonding, much like Shay, he had no intentions of making it very far through his life, but his behaviour was getting reckless and out of control, that was when Angelika was brought in to help. Freddie spoke about her with admiration and a little sadness, he felt sorry for her, but never pitied her. It was clear to Remus that their bond was platonic and based solely on the transfer of confidence and honesty, it was like having a friend who knew you inside and out and could never judge you for the very worst things about yourself. 

Freddie observed Remus carefully and they both realised that he never pitied Shay, he loved her, he was terribly in love with her and the bond only turned that desire into a basic need for him to continue living. 

‘None of this is a bad thing, Lupin.’ Freddie tried to encourage him. ‘The only advice I can give you is this: know that Shay wants to be loved, not in the way that I love her, but in the way that you do. So just love her.’

‘What if she runs away from me?’

‘She will come back,’ Freddie smiled. ‘Every full moon, even she with the strength of a dragon cannot transform without you now, so use that time wisely.’

Remus nodded and thought about what the wise young man was saying. He needed to have an honest conversation with himself before he tried again with Shay.

‘I should get going,’ Freddie interrupted his thoughts. ‘No doubt the second I get home, Shay will know what I have done and it will be very difficult to get her to understand.’ He stood up and put his coat back on, it was only then that Remus noticed just how happy Freddie seemed, like everything in his life was exactly the way he wanted it to be.

‘Do you think she will be happy?’ Remus suddenly asked. Freddie stopped and looked at him for a moment.

‘Happy? I have no idea.’ Freddie shook his head looking out the window thoughtfully. ‘Fulfilled? Absolutely.’ He smiled, giving Remus a friendly wink. ‘You are always welcome in Norway, should you ever need anything.’

Remus nodded and Freddie left the café, saying his goodbye to the staff, something Remus thought was a nice touch. He left soon after as well, thinking on all the ways he could show Shay that he loved her without any condition, he knew she would reject him immediately, but eventually, she may have allowed him a little further into her life.


	23. Mr Grim

I don’t know what Freddie was thinking. He knew how I felt about Lupin and he went behind my back anyway. I could smell it on him, chocolate, Lupin’s chocolate and I hated it. I hated the way it smelt on Freddie and found myself wanting to go straight to the source.

‘Shay, I only want the best for you.’ Freddie pleaded. I hadn’t said anything when I smelt it, just stood and listened to him trying to explain that there could be serious consequences if I didn’t talk to Lupin about this. He pleaded with me to say something, anything to give him some indication that I would talk to Lupin, but I gave him nothing more than a stare. What else did he think would happen?

I left his home with no intention of coming back. I knew Freddie and he liked to talk about things, but that was the one thing I couldn’t do where Lupin was concerned. I just couldn’t talk about it.

I didn’t speak with Freddie for weeks after that and I didn’t acknowledge it to Lupin. I had tried to stay away during the full moon, but I couldn’t do it, something vicious and painful was telling me to go back to my cottage and find comfort in the only person who was willing to give it. 

I didn’t speak to Lupin, I just dragged myself into bed and let my arm drape over his chest. I just needed to feel his skin on mine, just for a while, enough to soothe the pain. In the morning, I heard him asking if I was hungry, my stomach growled as a response and the next thing I knew, I could smell bacon. Lupin helped me eat, I was far too tired to manage on my own.

‘Shay, are you cold?’ He asked, I could still smell chocolate and something about the sweet smell of it mixed with the bacon he’d been eating, made me turn over and curl into his neck, inhaling deeply. I wanted nothing more than to taste the combination for myself…

My eyes snapped open and I stilled. Lupin was letting me lay against his chest, his arms were wrapped around me, it was comforting and I was craving more of it. I forced myself up and out of bed, not caring that we were both naked and not giving a single shit that I felt like something had been ripped away from me and it hurt.

‘Shay?’ I heard as I entered the bathroom and turned the shower on. I leaned over the sink and tried to breathe deeply. I could hear him following me and decided I just needed to get under the water for a while. 

The heat of the water was somewhat soothing, having it run down my body was the feeling I needed, I needed something to descend the full length of my body and the water was about as close as I was getting to what I really wanted.

The smell of chocolate was the invasion I didn’t need, I suddenly realised that my hands were moving up and down my body, I could easily pass it off as me just washing myself, but I had a feeling that Lupin may have known differently.

‘Shay,’ his voice was a little deep for my liking. ‘Can we talk about this now?’

I swallowed hard and going against everything my body and mind wanted, I shook my head and listened to Lupin sigh. 

‘Fine.’ He said. ‘Would you like me to leave?’

Again, it was more difficult than it had ever been before, but I managed to nod.

‘Fine.’ Lupin said, again. 

I listened to the sounds of him moving around my bedroom, getting dressed and eventually leaving my house. I felt my body weakening immediately and slid down the cool tile of my shower. I’d never cried so hard in all my life, never felt such a loss before, but Lupin leaving me there was simply unbearable.

I tried so hard for months to stay away from the cottage, to be anywhere else that wasn’t with him, but Lupin seemed to always know I’d come back to transform with him and he never let me down in the moments before and the morning after. He took care of me, he was kind and tended to any wounds I had with very little regard for himself, not that he ever seemed to suffer too badly, but on occasion he would have a small cut or bruise that he asked me to help with.

It was so hard not to admit to myself that I was compelled to want to be with Lupin, I wanted to transform with him and make sure his body was taken care of and a part of me was hating every second of it, but the other part craved the euphoria he made me feel.

Every morning after, he would ask me if I wanted him to leave and it was getting harder and harder to say yes, until one morning as Easter was upon us, I stood underneath the shower and said nothing.

‘Shay,’ Lupin sighed. ‘You have to tell me if you want me to leave or stay, which would you rather?’ I said nothing and just looked up to let the water run down my face for a while, letting the smell of chocolate surround me and fill me up. ‘Shay?’ Lupin was much closer this time and I wanted nothing more than to turn around and kiss him. 

‘What did Freddie say?’ I found myself asking. 

‘He said we needed to talk about this,’ Lupin replied, gently. ‘We need to find out what we need from each other and find a way to provide that without upsetting each other.’ 

I shook my head, feeling a surge of anger. ‘I hate him.’

‘No, you don’t.’ Lupin’s voice was suddenly softer. ‘You don’t hate Freddie, he’s your oldest and closest friend. I know you probably feel a lot of things for him, but hatred isn’t one of them.’

I closed my eyes and absorbed the feel of the water once more, the heat was somehow exactly what I needed, but also incredibly irritating. I knew why, it wasn’t the heat of the water that I needed.

‘Shay, can I help?’ Lupin may as well have been under the water with me, I could smell chocolate and bacon and parchment and all of it was intoxicating. 

I felt the cool tile of the shower on my back, it was enough to jolt me back into reality. I took a deep breath and turned the shower off, getting out to lean over the sink and trying so hard not to look at Lupin. I just couldn’t get caught by his gaze, I may never have turned away if I did.

‘Shay, tell me what you need.’ He gently coaxed and I couldn’t help but breath out a laugh. 

‘If I told you, would you give it to me?’ I breathed deeply.

‘Yes.’ He said almost immediately. ‘Yes, I would.’ Lupin stepped towards me, I could feel his body close to mine. I stayed silent for a few moments, just waiting for him to make another move, but it wasn’t what I expected. ‘You got another tattoo.’ He said. 

I knew the one he was referring to, it was on my shoulder blade, a picture of a wolf howling, I was surprised he didn’t notice it sooner. I wasn’t about to tell him it was a self-portrait, but I assumed from his silence he would have guessed it. I suddenly felt the tips of his fingers tracing lightly over the edge of the tattoo, it made me stand still, just feeling the warmth from his skin touching mine. He continued to trace a pattern around my shoulder blade and I hated to admit it out loud, but it was making me feel euphoric again, I wanted more. I needed more. 

‘Shay,’ Lupin whispered, his voice the only thing pulling me out of the trance-like state I was in and making me realise where I was. My body pressed lightly against him, I could feel the warmth of him and it was everything I needed. ‘Tell me what you need.’ His lips were close to my ear and it was sending shivers down my spine. I felt myself panting a little, my chest heaving and I didn’t care, I’d never felt like this before. 

I felt my mouth open, about to speak. I stopped. I felt Lupin’s lips graze the top of my ear and it was too much to take. I inhaled deeply and opened my eyes, I avoided looking at my reflection in the mirror, knowing I would see him too. 

‘Nothing.’ I whispered, wanting to throw up the second I said it. ‘I don’t need anything from you.’ I felt the tears cutting through my cheeks, it burnt so much. 

Lupin sighed and slowly pulled himself away from my body. The cool air was enough to clear my head a little. 

‘Fine.’ Lupin breathed and left the bathroom. 

I listened to him getting changed, putting his trousers on, sighing, running his hands over his face, pausing, buttoning his shirt up, but not all the way and grabbing his cardigan. I heard him pick up his shoes and pause outside the bathroom door, the smell of chocolate floated in and I couldn’t help but step towards the door, wanting to taste it. I waited a moment, before feeling my heart drop at the sound of him leaving my cottage. 

Why did I suddenly need him so much?

I was away for the next month or so, making visits to Paris, Tromso, Bucharest and Rotterdam where I was setting up new facilities focused on new formulas to research poisons and other incurable diseases. The ministries of those countries seemed very interested in what I was doing, but I had no interest in being a face for it. As a result, each facility’s lead Healer or Researcher would take that responsibility for me, while I dealt with the politics of what I was trying to do. 

I took pride in my professionalism and picked up some great intel concerning Wizards of interest, including a rumour that known Death Eaters were starting to come out of hiding for brief periods. I figured it was something Fudge would have wanted to know, but he was never far away from someone who reeked of Dark Magic. Malfoy was one of them and I hated the look he would give me every time I showed up in the ministry building.

‘Miss Clark,’ he said, smoothly as I was waiting for the lift to arrive. ‘What a pleasure to see you.’ His eyes scanned the entirety of my body, taking note of my tight black pencil skirt, white silk blouse and sharp black heels, I always wore my hair up, knowing exactly what it did to some of the men I met, my neck was something they all seemed to find fascinating. But with Malfoy, it was something he always seemed particularly keen to focus on. I smiled pleasantly.

‘Mr Malfoy, a pleasure to see you.’ I held out my hand for him to press his lips to, I hated that he was doing it, but I was getting good at faking it by now. ‘I hear you’ve been busy of late, the minister tells me you’ve made some sizeable donations to some very worthy causes.’ 

‘Well, it’s always good to show a bit of support for those less fortunate than ourselves.’ Malfoy smiled and I watched his eyes darken. ‘I don’t suppose there’s any chance I could make an appointment to… to talk about you own projects.’ I knew what Malfoy was doing and a part of me knew that now I was a little older and more established, I could charge more, but as soon as I thought it, the image of Lupin in my bathroom jumped to mind. ‘Shay?’ Malfoy frowned, bringing me back from the image. 

‘I’m sorry, Mr Malfoy,’ I smiled pleasantly again. ‘I’m afraid I’ve not got any available appointments left.’ 

Malfoy gave a tight smile, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was disappointment. ‘Well, perhaps you could reschedule someone?’

I frowned. ‘Do you think you’re more important, Mr Malfoy?’ I took a step into his space, I knew what he liked and I knew how to use it against him. ‘Do you think I have time to spend rescheduling appointments with men who have had the patience to wait, just to fulfil your needs?’ By the time I was done talking, I was almost pressed up against him and whispering every word. Malfoy swallowed and I knew I had him. 

Before he could speak, the doors to the lifts opened. I took a small step back, but it was obvious to the two men I recognised inside the lift that something was going on that possibly shouldn’t have done. 

‘Perhaps our paths will cross again, Mr Malfoy.’ I said, pleasantly as I stepped into the lift. ‘Until then.’ I nodded and let the doors close again. 

‘Causing trouble are we, Miss Clark?’ Kingsley asked, a little amused. Kingsley was a good man and I always counted on him for a good laugh, he didn’t judge me for my previous sexual exploits, but he didn’t take much joy in my drug-making, even less in distribution. But I’d not been caught out by him for anything like that for a while now. 

‘Of course, what else would I do with my time?’ I joked and heard him chuckle. ‘Are you well, Mr Weasley?’

‘Fine, Miss Clark.’ Arthur looked straight ahead. Oh, I knew that look, he disapproved heavily of me entirely.

‘Well, that is very good to hear,’ I decided to push his buttons a little, just enough to make me feel normal. ‘I hope the family is well? I heard Charlie is doing very well in Romania.’

‘They’re fine, thank you.’ His eyes faced forwards, not daring look at me and it made me laugh to myself. 

‘Do send my love, won’t you?’ I pushed a little more and it looked as though Arthur was finally about to snap, when the doors to the lift opened and a few other wizards stepped in. 

I eventually left the ministry, deciding if Fudge wasn’t going to make himself available to hear me out, then maybe Dumbledore would. I went straight to Hogsmeade where everyone was buzzing so much about the Tournament that hardly anyone paid attention to me. 

I walked to the outskirts of Hogsmeade, taking in the village again, when I suddenly smelt something very familiar indeed. I followed the smell, taking my heels off to walk through the edge of the forest. 

I stopped when I could smell the familiar scent close by. 

‘Mr Grim.’ I smiled and turned to see a big black dog sitting watching me. ‘Any reason you’re still hanging around this place?’

Sirius morphed from his dog form back to human and he looked much the same as he did nearly a year ago. He smiled and stepped cautiously towards me.

‘I’ve been keeping an eye on Harry.’ He said, his voice quiet and uncertain.

‘It’s a good thing someone has,’ I nodded a bit more seriously. ‘I heard this tournament is getting out of control and with what’s been happening beyond the school, I can’t see it ending on a happy note.’

‘Come on, we should get somewhere safer before we keep talking.’ Sirius looked a little panicked and I wondered if he’d heard something I didn’t.

I followed him to a cave nearby where it looked like he’d been dwelling, collecting newspapers and scrounging for food. I felt a little sorry for him, but I imagined he preferred it to Azkaban. 

‘Sorry, I can’t be more hospitable, but it’s not like people are lining up to sell me a spare chair.’

‘It’s fine.’ I chuckled. ‘But if you are looking for something a bit more comfortable, you’re always welcome at mine.’ I sat down opposite Sirius and watched him nod and look to the opening of the cave, worried. 

‘Safe, is it?’ He asked.

‘I mean, it’s in the middle of nowhere and I don’t get visitors.’ I told him. ‘Apart from Lupin, but he’s always hanging around anyway.’

‘Remus?’ Sirius’s eyes suddenly focused on me. ‘So, you and him… you…’

‘I don’t like him.’ I narrowed my eyes, suddenly having no idea why I brought Lupin up in the first place. ‘I didn’t ask him to do what he did and I don’t ask him to stay.’ I sighed. ‘Look, if you want to stay, you’re very welcome, just… I don’t want to talk about him.’

‘Okay.’ Sirius nodded with a small smirk on his face. ‘Can I ask you something? Not about Remus.’

‘Sure.’

He looked a little uncomfortable. ‘Are you still…’ I could see his cheeks blushing, making me frown. ‘It’s been a while since I’ve… you don’t much opportunity for human contact.’ I suddenly realised what it was that Sirius was asking and I felt a little uncomfortable. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked, please forget that I said anything.’

I swallowed nervously. ‘Look, if this had been a year ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about saying yes and letting you have whatever you wanted, literally anything goes… but I can’t do that anymore. I don’t even know why, but just something keeps stopping me every time and I can’t anymore.’

‘It’s fine.’ Sirius shook his head. 

‘How’s Harry doing?’ I decided to try and change the subject, Sirius was rocking slightly on the floor, but he seemed to find distraction in thinking about Harry so that was a start. 

‘Well, better than anyone expected anyway.’ Sirius explained. ‘He did well with the dragon and in the lake, could’ve frozen to death, but he did okay.’

Sirius told me a little more about the tournament he’d seen and he was so animated when talking about his Godson. It was nice to watch, but every so often I would catch him feeling uncomfortable with himself. I decided it was time for me to leave and head to the school which was what I came to do. 

I gave Sirius a hug, making sure it was as comforting as I could make it and I think he understood that and appreciated it.

‘Seriously,’ I said, still holding him. ‘Come to the cottage, take a shower.’ I felt him chuckling. ‘You smell like a stray.’

‘I know.’ He chuckled and pulled back. ‘Thank you, Shay.’

‘Any time, Sirius.’ I smiled. ‘Don’t bother writing, just turn up, get showered, get fed.’

‘I will.’

‘Good.’ I smiled once last time and finally left Sirius, heading for the castle.


	24. Hot, Cold, Crumbling

Remus was yet again in a daze, he was desperate to experience more than a moment with Shay, he’d done so well in the past few months to show patience. She was a little more compliant with his wishes and ate a little more when he asked her too. He’d woken up with a nasty bruise one morning and asked for her help, she didn’t hesitate in bringing some potion that he recognised from when she had bruises on her neck over a year ago. 

Shay often curled closer to his body, relaxing when she could feel his skin against hers, or when he massaged her muscles, just trying to loosen them to reduce any pain she might have felt leading up to the change. She was so soft and warm and welcomed him against her without even realising it.

He remembered being in her bathroom, seeing the tattoo of her wolf form on her shoulder blade, it mesmerised him somewhat, seeing her transformed against the canvas of her paler skin was something he found quite beautiful and then to touch it and have her respond positively to his touch was an exhilaration he hadn’t counted on. 

Leaving was difficult, it was probably the hardest thing he had done in a long time, knowing that she might not have actually wanted him to leave, but he couldn’t give her any reason not to trust him. He paused beside the bathroom door, listening to her move closer on the other side, but she didn’t step any further, so he left. 

Remus spent the next month trying to keep up with the goings on around Hogwarts and the tournament, trying to figure out why they let Harry compete in the first place, but also why he hadn’t been given more protection.

He thought long and hard about the next transformation, he wanted Shay to feel more secure around him, he wanted her to talk to him, no matter what it was she said, he just wanted her to ask him for what she needed. 

Remus trudged up the path as he normally did and opened her front door. This time he found Shay lying on her sofa, half asleep still wearing her white silk blouse and pencil skirt that she often wore. She was panting heavily and Remus sighed kneeling down beside her.

‘Shay?’ He said, just loud enough for her to hear him. ‘Shay, we need to get you upstairs, can you stand?’

Shay just turned the other way and held her stomach. Remus still had time, it would be several hours until the moon was up and given that summer was approaching, the nights were shorter and it gave him more time to talk to Shay and get through to her. 

He went into the kitchen and found she’d already made some Wolfsbane. From the looks of the mug sitting next to it, she’d already taken hers. Remus used the same mug and dipped it into the potion, scooping out his own dosage and quickly downed the foul potion. He went back to see Shay panting and starting to struggle with her stomach as she often did. 

‘Shay, we need to get you upstairs to bed.’ Remus said, realising that she wasn’t going to be able to move on her own and helping her to her feet.

Shay struggled to keep her balance and Remus was barely holding on himself. He got her into the bedroom and watched her pulling at her blouse.

‘Help me.’ She said it so quietly, anyone else could have missed it, but Remus was certain about what she said and he was eager to do what he could.

‘Okay.’ I said and moved her to face him. He lifted her arms to wrap around his shoulders. ‘Will you hold on for me?’ She did as he asked. ‘It’s okay, just rest there for a moment.’ 

He felt her relaxing against him and the smell of ginger ignited his senses. Remus lost himself for a moment and ran his hand through her hair, before remembering what it was he was doing. He moved his hands down to the back of her tight skirt, unzipping it and doing everything in his power to resist doing what he really wanted to do. 

Remus gently pushed her skirt down enough for it to fall to the floor, he listened to her soft sigh and swallowed hard as he tried to steer his thoughts away from that sound. He managed to move his hands around enough to start on her blouse. 

‘Shay,’ he said, quietly. ‘Move back a little for me.’ She again did as he asked, resting her head against his shoulder, giving him just enough room to unbutton her blouse. Remus could smell her so strongly and see her full chest heaving, it was making his mouth water. He managed to get to the last button and took a deep breath. 

‘If you want me so much,’ she whispered. ‘Why not just have me?’ 

Remus was never more tempted in his life, she was so compliant and clearly wanted him to touch her. She wanted his hands over her skin and to enjoy the feel of someone being kind with her body, but he still couldn’t do that to her. She was exhausted as it was and he was sure she was only saying it to get a rise out of him.

‘Wouldn’t you rather sleep for a while?’ He whispered gently. ‘Shay, do you want to rest?’

‘Yes.’ She was too tired to cry, but Remus was certain she wanted to. He’d let her sob for days if he thought it would help, but all she wanted at that moment was to sleep. 

Remus pushed her blouse off of her shoulders and took another deep breath as he unclasped her bra, she hated wearing one and he knew she’d be more comfortable without it anyway. 

He felt her unbuttoning his own shirt and through some moment of indulgence that he couldn’t control, Remus let her continue. Shay’s head rested on his shoulder and she breathed close to his neck, making him pant harder as her fingers traced the skin over his chest. Her hands glided up to push his shirt off and Remus felt his body heat up instantly. She went to work his trousers off, but her body wouldn’t let her and Remus decided to take some responsibility and get her into bed to rest.

‘Shay, lie down, let me do that.’ He gathered her hands up and manoeuvred her under the sheets, she fell asleep almost instantly.

Remus looked down to see what her exploration of his skin had done, but he didn’t feel so ashamed of himself, not when he could smell the same arousal on her. Maybe he was wrong, maybe Shay did need something physical from him, maybe he needed to be more direct in his approach to finding out what she needed.

The transformation was painful and difficult, but Remus forced himself to pay closer attention to Shay’s needs, to take note of any little requirement she had and make sure he provided her with it. Remus wasn’t messing this up again, he needed Shay more than he wanted to need anything in his life, he wasn’t about to let her leave him in such a state. 

The agony was about as bad as it had ever been, everything seemed somehow amplified and the smell of Shay was hitting every part of his being in the right way. In fact, when Remus thought about it, everything he was feeling was amplified. In his wolf form, he couldn’t help but want to her investigate his body, he wanted her to nuzzle her face closer to his and he was desperate to make her his once and for all. But Remus did nothing. He remained quiet and still and let Shay sleep soundly, trying to keep her calm when she was restless.

In the morning, he wrapped his arms around her still body and touched her softly and delicately, he soothed her, he wanted to trace his lips over her shoulder, but resisted. Remus felt her move to turn over, her body draped over his and it was bliss. He could hear her soothing breath, feel her soft pale skin and smell the warm, spicy scent of her silky hair. 

Remus felt her hips moving towards his, just the once before she stopped. He knew what was coming, she would realise what she’d done and get up to shower. Remus stayed still, he could feel how much of an effort it was, it was like he could literally feel her thought process as she began denying herself.

‘Shay,’ he whispered against her dark hair. ‘Don’t get up… just this once, stay with me a little longer.’ He was aware he was almost begging her, making his desperation known without thought for the consequences, but Shay didn’t move. 

Remus knew that Shay’s intention was never to cause him harm, but to deny herself simple pleasures. The worst part about it, was that Remus knew why she was doing it, he knew that she would never want him to suffer, not really, she put on a great face, pretending as if she didn’t care, but underneath it all, she still craved the same things as everyone else. 

Remus gently moved so that he could hold her closer and drag his fingers through her hair, something she softly sighed to. He inhaled her over and over again, knowing it wasn’t quite enough, it wasn’t quite satisfying enough. He softly traced his fingers over her jawline and into her hair, watching as her soft, full lips parted while her head stretched back to reveal her smooth neck. If Remus was a lesser man he would have just kissed her and made love to her for as long as she wanted, but his need to gain her trust was still somewhere in his mind, telling him to do right by her.

‘Would you like me to kiss you?’ He breathed, feeling Shay’s body react for a moment, before she suddenly stilled.

Remus shut his eyes tight, it was over. Shay was about to get up and leave him alone in the bed. He released her from his embrace and turned onto his back, giving her the room to get up and leave, which she did, but he could feel her confusion as she slowly wandered towards the bathroom.

Remus took a few deep breaths, running his hands over his face and trying to ignore what Shay had done to him. He was losing his mind, this was killing him and for just a moment, he felt a rage take over. Remus took another deep, steadying breath and followed Shay to the bathroom. 

He caught the tail end of her hands running down her body, the same way he wanted to run his own hands over her and the same way she wanted him to do it. He could feel it and it only frustrated him further.

‘Shay, why do you keep stopping yourself?’ Remus asked, only half expecting a reply, to which there was none. ‘I’ve already proven to you that I wouldn’t take advantage and I wouldn’t act without permission. I am offering you something you clearly need, why don’t you just take it?’

‘You don’t know what I need.’ She whispered.

‘Maybe not specifically, no.’ Remus leaned against the doorframe, watching her beautiful body beneath the water. ‘But if you tell me, I will give it to you.’

‘Why?’ She snapped. ‘Why would you want to?’

‘Because… I need you as well.’ He admitted, making Shay still for a moment. She turned to face him, her bold green eyes darkened as they quickly scanned his body without even realising and Remus believed he had made a little progress. 

‘I believe you, but…’ Shay’s eyes filled with tears and Remus felt bad for making her cry, but he needed her to see the truth.

Remus suddenly realised that he may have been going about this all wrong. 

‘But what?’ Remus may as well have been in the shower with her. ‘Are you going to try and tell me that you don’t want to feel valued? That you don’t want to feel me giving you everything you want?’ Her breath hitched as she thought about it. ‘You only have to say yes, and I would do it.’ Remus watched her think and decided that maybe she needed a little more coaxing to fully appreciate what he could do for her. ‘Shay, do you want me to step into the shower with you?’ She didn’t say no, but her eyes did suddenly look darker than he’d ever seen them before. ‘Will you let me shower with you? Just this once, just to see… you can always tell me to leave if it’s too much.’ Remus could feel himself coming back to reality as he was speaking, he could feel his sense of respect for Shay and his desire to always be kind and never forceful coming back.

‘Yes.’ It was barely a breath, barely anything audible, but Remus heard it loud and clear.

He slowly stepped into the shower, standing so close to Shay who was watching his every movement. Remus didn’t mind that she was watching him with caution, he’d prefer that than her not looking at him at all. Her breath was shallow and quick, her eyes were dark and showed no fear, only desire. Remus wanted desperately to kiss her, to taste her, but he knew she wouldn’t let him just yet, he would have to earn that over a little more time.

He brought his hand up to trace his fingers over her jaw, it was the first time her eyes moved from him, fluttering shut under his touch. For a moment, Remus couldn’t believe that this was all it took, just this one simple touch of acknowledgement to make her start to give in to him. 

He slowly dragged his fingers over her skin and up into her hair, making Shay sigh softly the way he found himself craving. His other hand went to the other side, knowing that she never admitted to the headaches she was prone to, and began to massage her scalp, relaxing her.

Remus was hypnotised by her face, he loved to see how beautiful she could look when she wasn’t on the defensive all the time. Shay had incredibly precise and perfectly shaped features, nothing harsh, just soft… innocent… Remus slowed his movements a little and begun to see Shay for what she really was, a nineteen-year-old woman who underneath all the hardships and broken nature, was innocent. 

Remus wanted so badly to hold her, to really hold her and make her see that she held far more value than she realised. He wanted her to feel what real pleasure was, to know how it felt to be loved purely for the person you were when no one was around, because that person should never be hidden. 

‘Shay,’ Remus breathed, suddenly realising that her own hands were drifting over his chest, his lean stomach, his hips. ‘Will you let me love you?’

Shay’s whole body reacted, she pressed herself against him, her face millimetres away from his and Remus was convinced she was about to kiss him… but she stopped. Shay stopped exactly where she was, her breathing was shallow and quick, but it was evening out, her hands were no longer exploring him. Remus could feel his whole world crumbling.

Shay’s hands were gone, she reached back to turn off the shower and after one more moment of hesitation, she tore herself away from him. Remus felt like he was about to transform again, he was sure he was about to die again, Shay wasn’t next to him anymore, she was gone. 

Everything was cold.


	25. Can I Stay?

Remus had gotten dressed and left Shay that morning to carry on with the work she had been doing the night before. She didn’t speak or even acknowledge that he was leaving. Remus said nothing to her and that was it for the next month.

He continued to turn up, to give her the little things she needed, someone to hold onto, someone to share the fear with, to wake up next to and feel like she was okay again. 

The news came suddenly that Voldemort had returned and Remus answered the call to reform the Order. Shay seemed to have little to no interest in the Order and he thought it odd that she would barely react to the news that the world’s most dangerous wizard was back. He didn’t have time to question it, instead he reunited with Sirius at Grimmauld Place.

‘Sirius.’ He smiled and embraced his old friend like a brother, he could smell the familiar wet dog smell that he always associated with Sirius.

‘Remus, how are you?’ He half laughed.

‘Same as always.’ Remus laughed with him. ‘Bet you’re glad to be back.’ He joked as Sirius offered him a seat next to him at the kitchen table. 

‘Ecstatic.’ Sirius rolled his eyes. ‘It’s about the only useful thing I’ve been able to do.’ Remus understood his dislike for his family home and nodded. ‘Anyway, how’s Shay?’ 

Remus froze. He narrowed his eyes at his old friend. ‘Fine.’ Remus said and made it clear with his tone that that was the end of the conversation. 

Dumbledore gave them a run down of what had happened the night of the tournament and mentioned Cedric Diggory’s death, showing pain and sadness for the poor young man, but he swiftly moved on, there were more important things to do than mourn. 

He introduced a few other members who answered the call, including a very bright and energetic young Auror named Tonks. Remus shook her hand and could smell something that resembled pink bubble gum, fun, playful and sweet. She seemed to have done very well for herself and Mad-Eye was impressed with her which was enough for Remus for the time being. 

He spoke with Kingsley about the mass break-out, Tonks occasionally adding little pieces of information that was missing, but it sounded like they were all connected to Voldemort’s return, which begged the question, why did no one realise what was happening? Remus’s mind suddenly turned to Shay and he couldn’t quite place why.

‘So, I guess this means we’ll be working together a bit?’ Tonks smiled, he liked her smile, it was infectious. 

‘Yes, I suppose it will.’ Remus smiled back and noticed how warm her dark eyes were. He caught himself watching for a little too long and cleared his throat. ‘So, what made you want to be an Auror?’

It was the strangest thing, but talking to Tonks was amazing, he learnt so much about her and found himself incredibly amused by her antics, her stories and her vivid nature was contagious in a way that had his face hurting from smiling so much. He didn’t think of Shay once when he was talking to Tonks, that was, until he said goodbye to the vibrant young woman. His thoughts were then consumed by Shay once again and the craving he had for her.

‘Remus?’ Sirius gestured for his old friend to follow him into a dusty old room off to the side of the hallway.

‘What’s wrong?’ Remus frowned.

‘Nothing, I just wanted to ask you something.’ Sirius looked behind Remus, just checking that no one could overhear him. ‘I heard a rumour that… Shay, I heard she makes… remedies for certain things, requirements people have…’

‘She makes a lot of things, why are you talking to me about it?’ Remus shook his head, not wanting to talk about Shay especially. 

‘Because I also heard a rumour…’ Sirius looked uncomfortable. ‘She’s been seen talking to Malfoy a lot… I’m not suggesting that she’s one of them, but I don’t know her that well and I can’t exactly go strolling up to her place when Voldemort’s whole following want me dead.’

Remus nodded, still eyeing Sirius suspiciously. ‘So, you want me to go on a drug run for you?’

‘Just ask her if she has anything…’

‘Anything for what? You’re not giving me a lot of detail here.’ Remus could feel himself getting agitated.

‘Just-‘ Sirius took a breath. ‘She’ll know what I’m looking for. Just ask her, please?’

Remus looked at his handsome face, he hadn’t lost any of his looks since Azkaban and Remus felt a wave of jealousy washing over him that he hadn’t felt in a long time. 

‘She’s not a whore, Sirius.’ Remus growled, he didn’t even realise how angry he was about it.

‘That’s not what I’m asking.’ Sirius told him, calmly. ‘She made it clear the last time we spoke that she hasn’t been in that business for over a year now, so I wouldn’t dare ask that of her, but I heard a lot of very good things about her remedies-‘

‘What do you mean?’ Remus interrupted.

‘What?’

‘What do you mean “she hasn’t been in that business for over a year”? She goes away all the time.’ Remus could feel himself starting to tower over Sirius, intimidating a man he’d never intimidated in all his life. 

‘Remus, calm down, think about what you’re doing.’ Sirius managed to get him to breathe steadily and understand what was going on. ‘Shay hasn’t seen a single client since Peter escaped, she’s been using these drugs to make people experience the same effect, these joints I think.’

‘Joints?’ Remus felt his heart skipping a few beats. ‘The ginger ones?’

‘I don’t know-‘

Sirius never got a chance to finish his sentence, because Remus had flown out of the room and pushed passed the remaining Order members saying their good nights. He apparated straight to Shay’s cottage to find her passed out sleeping on her kitchen table, surrounded by parchment and open books.

For just a moment, Remus froze. Shay was intoxicatingly beautiful, she wore her brown and yellow checked top with nothing underneath and her hair was up in a messy bun, sprawled over her work. For a moment Remus didn’t want to wake her at all, he wanted to take her to bed and make sure she got the rest she clearly needed. But the need for the truth was overwhelming him.

‘Shay?’ He said, quietly at first, gently shaking her awake until he saw her tired green eyes.

‘Lupin?’ She mumbled with a frown. ‘What do you want now?’ Shay lifted her head and ran her hands over her face, trying to wake up, but still rest all the same. It was only then that Remus noticed she wasn’t wearing anything beneath her long button up top and his mouth watered a little.

He stood up properly and began making coffee. ‘I’ve had enough.’ He said, quietly, knowing she was listening.

‘Finally decided to leave then?’ Shay mocked him a little, but she wasn’t getting away that easily.

‘No,’ Remus shook his head. ‘No, I’ve decided to stop pretending like I can’t simply get what I want by asking.’ 

He placed the coffee mug down on the table and watch as fear flashed over Shay’s face. 

‘Tell me what you want.’ Remus leaning back against the dark counter and folded his arms.

‘Back to this, are we?’ Shay rolled her eyes.

‘Yes, we are back to this,’ Remus snapped, making Shay still. ‘And we will continue to come back to this until you give me some answers.’ He watched her swallow, nervously and suddenly the guilt caught up to him for a moment. ‘I don’t like doing this, but seeing as nothing else has worked, you’ve given me little choice.’

Shay’s face resigned to something helpless, he was convinced this was the look she would give just before servicing clients, one that appeared every full moon, the knowledge that there was no escape and a part of him hated that he was the one making it happen.

‘I am aware that you find it difficult to say no to me a lot of the time,’ he started. ‘A side effect of what has happened, but I have given you every chance and every opportunity to say no, which you have done… I spoke with Sirius this evening, he wants me to ask you about your remedies, says you’ll know what he’s talking about... Shay, when is the last time you saw one of your clients?’

Her eyes began filling with tears, she held onto them very well. ‘Last year.’ She whispered, he could feel how scared she was, but there was also a relief there.

‘Is that the last time you had sex?’

‘Yes.’ Shay looked up, trying to stop the tears, but it was no use, a few fell and she sucked in a deep, shaky breath. She sniffed and Remus could only watch her and feel sorry for her, this wasn’t what he wanted. ‘Are you going to make me have sex with you?’

‘What? No, of course not!’ Remus exclaimed, horrified at the thought. ‘You think after all this time, after everything we have physically shared with one another, I would force you to go a step further? Shay, you know me far better than that, which can only mean you know full well how much it pains me for you to ask such a thing.’ Remus begged her to see reason. ‘Shay, I would love nothing more than to take you upstairs right now and give in to everything we both feel… but you have said no, you can continue to say no for as long as you like and our circumstance will not change, but you have got to start being honest with me. Tell me why you haven’t seen any of your clients, you never used to keep it so secret, so what changed?’

Shay just looked at him, that helplessness was still there, her innocence. He felt the anxiety around her body, not his but hers, he could feel something of what she felt and the realisation dawned on him.

‘Ownership.’ Remus whispered, nodding. ‘You got tattoos because your body is finally yours to do with as you please. That’s what changed, wasn’t it?’

Shay’s tears fell a little faster, she was desperately trying to keep her emotions in check, but she was failing. 

‘It’s not though, is it?’ She wiped away her tears and half smiled. ‘This still isn’t my body, it’s yours. You made it your property-‘

‘Shay-‘

‘When you didn’t leave the Shack-‘

‘That’s not what happened-‘

‘You didn’t take your potion and I can’t understand why-‘

‘It was a mistake-‘

‘The only reason you would have done that is to have me-‘

‘It wasn’t what I intended-‘

‘You told me you wanted me and there was a really easy way to get it-‘

‘It wasn’t about sex-‘

‘Without the risk of me saying no.’

Remus was silent, Shay just watched him, her cheeks were soaking wet. He listened to the soft crackling of the candles lit around her kitchen and thought about what she said.

‘You know none of that is true,’ Remus frowned, knowing that what he was feeling was contradicting what she was saying. ‘So, why say it?’

Shay let out an exhaustion sob. 

‘Shay, tell me why you said that?’ He said again.

‘Because I want it to be true,’ she couldn’t look at him. ‘So much. That’s how I want to remember it.’ 

‘Why?’ Remus pressed gently.

‘Because remembering the truth hurts too much.’ Shay began sobbing hard and Remus couldn’t help himself, he sat in the chair next to her and placed his hand over her shoulder. Shay automatically leaned into his touch, feeling so much better when they were closer.

‘Come here.’ He said, gently. Remus was surprised at how compliant she was when he guided her to sit across his lap, head buried in the crook of his neck. He wrapped his arms around her and inhaled the ginger scent of her hair, keeping her close and safe. ‘Shay, your body has never been mine,’ Remus said, quietly into her hair. ‘But I have tried so hard to show you that we both care about it. You’ve always told me no when you really didn’t want something, but I can feel that it hasn’t satisfied you, we need to talk about what you need, what you really need.’ 

Shay sniffed and was quiet for a moment. ‘I don’t want to.’ She whispered and her breath hit his skin, igniting it and making everything so much harder for him to resist. 

‘Okay.’ Remus breathed. ‘Can we talk about what I need then?’ He felt her frown into his neck. Remus inhaled deeply and swallowed, his hand rested on her waist, but he could see her bare leg draping over his and wanted so badly to run his hand over the skin. ‘I want to see you happy,’ he started. ‘I want to see you achieving everything you are capable of, I want you to change the world with your ideas and help people where others have failed…’ Remus swallowed again. ‘And in the interest of complete honesty; I want you. I want to kiss you and make love to you, I want to be the reason you’re happy and I desperately want to see you smile again. I don’t remember the last time you smiled at me. I miss it.’

Shay stayed still for a while longer, thinking on what he said. 

‘When?’ One simple word with so much left unsaid around it. 

‘When what?’ Remus turned a little so his lips were grazing her forehead.

‘When did you start to want me like that?’ 

Remus liked how warm her fingertips on his chest were making him feel. 

‘I’m afraid, I don’t quite remember,’ he tried to think, but her touch was blurring his mind. ‘I think it was around the night you gave me a freebie,’ he chuckled to himself. ‘I certainly begun thinking about it, though I’m not so sure it was all me.’

‘The freebie.’ Shay frowned, remembering that night.

‘I think I realised that night, somewhere in the back of my mind, that we were not on course for a healthy relationship of any kind.’ Remus sighed. ‘Shay, I have no idea where all this will lead us, but we make the rules here and whatever they are, I will abide by them… I feel somehow compelled to.’

Remus could feel a familiarity surrounding Shay, like she may have understood what he meant.

‘If… if I asked you to do it, would you?’ Shay repeated the same question from previous conversations, it made Remus frowned a little.

‘If you’re asking if I’d make love to you the second you asked, the answer is yes,’ Remus said, honestly. ‘But you’re not going to ask me, are you?’

Shay sat up and looked at him, the innocence was back in full force. ‘I don’t know yet.’ She matched his honesty and he appreciated it at least, but he did feel hopeful for her asking him. ‘Tell me what you would do.’

‘Anything you want.’

‘No, tell me what you’d want to do to me.’ She corrected herself. She was trying to show some kind of authority, but unfortunately that wasn’t what worked on Remus. 

‘Why?’ He tilted his head to observe her.

‘Because I’m asking.’

Remus scanned her pretty face in the candlelight and somehow, he couldn’t resist. 

‘I would…’ Remus swallowed, knowing full well that she could feel him beneath her legs, but he didn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed, she didn’t make him feel that at all. ‘I would kiss you, I would-‘

‘Where?’ She interrupted. She wanted detail.

‘On your lips,’ Remus swallowed, again, focussing on her slightly parted, full pink mouth. ‘I would kiss your lips, I would run my hands through your hair the way you like, I would kiss down your jaw, I would kiss your neck, along your shoulders…’ Remus licked his lips, feeling himself getting warm and dizzy from the thought of kissing her, just kissing her. ‘I would… I would… I would do it again…’ Remus frowned. ‘Why are you asking me to do this?’

‘Because, I want to know.’ Shay responded, he noticed that her breathing was quickening as well.

‘I’d rather show you.’ He replied, not skipping a beat. Remus looked into her darkened green eyes and tried to understand her game. ‘What if I asked you?’ The hint of fear returned. ‘Shay, what if I asked you to make love to me? Would you?’

‘Please don’t.’ She whispered immediately.

Remus took a breath. ‘I won’t.’ He shook his head. ‘Not if you really don’t want me to, but you should know that I want you to ask me, desperately so.’

Shay observed him curiously for a moment, unsure of what she wanted to do next as far as he could see. But what she said, was not what he expected.

‘I got another tattoo.’ He could see the tears filling in the corners of her green eyes.

Remus felt a small smile form on his face. ‘What of?’ He asked, hoping to play this new game with her, wanting to play any game with her if it meant talking to her honestly.

‘It’s on my back, I can show you.’ Shay seemed nervous and Remus wanted her to be brave and bold. 

‘I’d love to see it.’ Remus smiled, watching her eyes light up subtly, no one else would have noticed it. 

Shay began unbuttoning her checked top, but she didn’t turn away, she held his gaze and Remus felt himself breathing quicker with anticipation. Part of him just wanted to tear her shirt off himself, but the other part was actually enjoying how slow she was going, teasing him and testing his patience. 

She stood up, somehow finding herself between his legs, staring down at him, she reached the last button and Remus swallowed hard, his eyes flickering towards her hands, which came up to pull the shirt from her shoulders, but before Remus could get any kind of look at her body, she turned around, letting the shirt pool around her elbows. 

Remus forgot all about how attracted he was to her body for a moment when he saw the tattoo. A fox. He remembered her patronus was a fox, not a wolf, something he thought was odd in the beginning, but now seemed incredibly important. The fox was staring at him with big green eyes and Remus found himself hypnotised.

‘What do you think?’ Shay asked, her head turning slightly towards him.

‘I think it’s beautiful.’ Remus whispered, finding himself captivated by the image and suddenly realised it was another self-portrait, it had to have been.

‘You can…’ Shay’s bravery failed her for a moment. ‘Like with the other one…’ She said it much quieter and Remus knew exactly what she was asking of him. 

‘Of course.’ Remus breathed, preparing himself. ‘Will you sit for me?’ 

She hesitated for a split second, before slowly sitting back onto his lap. Remus held her waist with one hand, just to keep her balanced and steady, knowing that anywhere else would not only arouse him further, but would possibly indicate he wanted something more. He couldn’t let Shay think this wasn’t purely about her, she needed something from him, simple, kind touch, nothing more.

Remus swallowed nervously, watching the candlelight bounce off of her pale skin and once again found himself entranced by her tattoo. He brought his other hand up and very delicately placed the tips of his fingers on the very edge of the fox. Remus listened to the sharp intake of breath from Shay and it exhilarated him a little, he wanted to hear it again. He slowly traced the outline of the new tattoo, making sure he was listening out for any indication that she may have wanted him to stop. 

He had no idea how long they sat together, Remus tracing lines around the fox, rubbing soft circles around each eye, outlining the snout and the ears, all of it in an effort to get Shay to enjoy herself more which she was. She sighed and her skin warmed beneath his fingers, he could smell how aroused it was making her and Remus knew he would need to stop soon before it became too much. He slowed his movements and made it clear he would stop soon, but she didn’t seem so disappointed. 

‘Shay, I have to stop now.’ Remus breathed, noting how close he was to the back of her neck, no wonder his head was dizzying, he was so close to the smell of ginger it was intoxicating. ‘Unless…’ Remus swallowed, trying to both tell her what he needed and not pressure her into anything. ‘Unless you want more tonight?’ His hand lay still on her back, half covering the fox.

Shay sucked in a deep, steady breath and made movements to stand up, pulling her shirt up over her shoulders and buttoning it up, not letting Remus see her once again. Remus took a few of his own steady breaths, running his slightly shaky hands through his hair and watching her closely. 

Shay went over to a set of drawers that he hadn’t seen before, about chest height and a worn mahogany colour, she delved her hands into the top drawer and pulled out a small tin and a rectangular parchment, which she easily slid into the back of the tin. 

‘Give this to Sirius,’ she said, handing him the metal tin, no bigger than her cigarette tin. ‘First one’s on the house, tell him I charge fifty galleons for every one after.’ 

Remus looked at the tin and sighed. ‘Can I stay?’ He asked, just as Shay reached the bottom of her stairs, she stopped and let her head hang low. 

‘Yeah.’ She breathed.

Remus stood up with a little difficulty, his trousers were tight and he was sore, but he really didn’t care; he was about to spend the night with Shay, one where they didn’t have to be scared of transformation or tend to one another, he could just be with her and be happy for a while. It was worth everything.


End file.
